Sourpuss

Further Evidence That I'm Aging

2007-04-16T11:07:00.000-04:00

The first clue was that I could't make it through a screening of Borat last weekend.

I recently heard this song and was impressed that she was using some of her vocal "talent". Then I listened to the lyrics. This is just plain offensive:

U + Ur Hand by Pink

Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Check it out
Going out
On the late night
Looking tight
Feeling nice
It's a cock fight
I can tell
I just know
That it's going down
Tonight
At the door we don't wait cause we know them
At the bar six shots just beginning
That's when dickhead put his hands on me
But you see

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it begins
Keep your drink just give me the money
just you and your hand tonight

Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh

Midnight
I'm drunk
I don't give a fuck
Wanna dance
By myself
Guess you're outta luck
Don't touch
Back up
I'm not the one
Uh,uh, buh bye
Listen up it's just not happening
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight
A'ight

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it begins
Keep your drink just give me the money
just you and your hand tonight

Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Break break break
Break it down

In the corner with your boys you bet up five bucks
To get at the girl that just walked in but she thinks you suck
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me yeah

You know who you are
High fivin, talkin shit, but you're going home alone arentcha?

Cause I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it begins
Keep your drink just give me the money
just you and your hand tonight

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it begins
Keep your drink just give me the money
just you and your hand tonight

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it begins
Keep your drink just give me the money
just you and your hand tonight

Y'all Gonna Make Me Act the Fool Up in Here

2007-04-12T17:27:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I just made a complete ass of myself in front of my new next door neighbors and their children. Their tax return check was delivered to our house by mistake. Joe held up the envelope to the light and saw that it was for $23,000 and change. No wonder people make plans around their tax refunds.

Anyway, I knocked on their door and must have blacked out because I introduced myself three times, and made at least seven lame jokes about bearing good news. What a jerk. I blame it on the following:

1. I'm coming off a particularly bad bout of PMS during which I've been subsisting solely on Easter candy and spending my days bitching at my husband.
2. I accidentally got drunk at Bunko last night and had my first work hangover in years.
3. My car registered that it was 94 degrees out today.
4. We had to pay the IRS $5,000 this year, so I'm slightly bitter towards those who are getting back $23,000.

Ladybug it is

2007-04-05T09:04:00.000-04:00

My sister and brother-in-law will welcome another boy baby this summer. Someone my sister knows had the idea to let big brother Evan name the baby. Yes, the three-year-old with a genius I.Q. (I believe) and an amazing imagination. We laughed about this idea, and agreed that he would probably name him Thomas the Tank Engine. After all, this is the child who named a chair Tiny Tim and a stuffed dog Kramerbell.

His first three picks when asked what to name the baby:

1. Benjamin Bunny
2. Ladybug
3. A Wadybug

No Wonder I Can't Take a Compliment

2007-04-04T09:19:00.000-04:00

Coworker: You're wearing makeup today!

Me: I wear makeup every day.

Coworker: You do?

She is one of the guilty parties who also said "Oh, you cut your hair!"

Grrr.

Help Me

2007-04-03T10:37:00.000-04:00

Ok. I clearly recognize Elvis, Aretha Franklin, Bette Midler, and Prince. But just who is the guy in the middle? All I can think of is the dad from the Brady Bunch. The movie, not even the TV show.

*Ding ding ding* It's a tie - both my mom and Barbara guessed Tom Jones. I can sleep tonight.

Since I've Quit Blogging:

2007-04-02T09:17:00.000-04:00

I went to Las Vegas.
I bought a house.
I schlepped all my stuff across town.
I've cried. Sometimes daily.
I've had company for a whole week.
I've cried some more.

I've realized that I don't have a release for all my inner angst, hence the sporadic blogging once again.

We somehow have survived this past month with our marriage intact. Our senses of humor? Not so much.

Yesterday I got all huffy when I realized that Joe threw away the $100 Littermaid cat box. He thought it was broken because the top came off, and I'll grant him that it smelled. After my hissy fit I remembered that last weekend I locked the keys in the new house and we had to break down a door. It was a magical door made of gold and fairy dust because it's $500 to replace.

My bad.

Happy Birthday Mystery Girl!

2007-03-31T09:13:00.000-04:00

I didn't forget your birthday, just how to blog.

I hope this is your best year yet. And if you happen to move back to Florida, it will be C.'s and my best year yet.

You are a great friend, and I'm thankful you're in my life.

What? I Have a Blog?

2007-03-27T18:53:00.000-04:00

ATTENTION ASSHOLES:

"Oh, you cut your hair" is in no way a compliment. Neither is "Oh, you cut your hair. What do you think?" If you think it looks that bad, just keep your mouth shut.

What Could This Possibly Mean?

2007-02-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

I was just browsing on Craig's List for "wanted items." Get a load of this one:

One water tank, slightly used. Also, one pinata, semi-molested, but intact. STD's OK

Serious sellers only. Please reply to this message.

Happy Birthday Christine!

2007-02-19T07:00:00.000-05:00

You're the best friend
that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
You're my best friend

-Queen

(Please God, don't let Freddie Mercury have written that song about a lover. Thanks.)

This Just In

2007-02-04T19:38:00.000-05:00

I only go to McDonald's once or twice a year. I just discovered that the one near my house doesn't serve hot caramel sundaes. That's unspeakable.

The Colts have a player named Booger McFarland. I hope to God that's just a nickname.

This morning while watching college basketball, one of the announcers said "That's ridunkulous!" That comment was met by embarrassed silence by his counterpart and hysterical laughter by me.

That's all for now.

True Love

2007-02-03T16:59:00.000-05:00

Joe and I are hitting that four year mark in our relationship. That means less flowers and jewelry, and more practical gifts. Awhile ago he bought me a booklight for reading in bed. I loved it and used it all the time. One day I accidently washed it in the washing machine. It somehow survived, but ended up dying from an unknown cause last week. Today Joe bought me this at Home Depot:
I'm so excited that I could go to bed right now. When I finish mining for coal, that it.

I Hope She Googles Her Name and Finds This

2007-02-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

Today I was visiting my Dad and I made my twice a decade trip up to the attic. I found treasures like my Barbies and Little People and baby blanket. Even though the weather's been cool I found myself nauseated and feeling faint. I said to myself "just one more box before I pass out and/or throw up and Dad has to call the fire department to haul me down." In the last box I found every V.C. Andrews book ever published and lots of INXS cassettes. I also found a certificate from my 9th grade Spanish teacher. I have no memory of receiving this award, but it's probably because I block painful events. She voted me "Most likely to get lost in Spain." Why would you do that to a self-conscious 14-year-old girl? Did I laugh? Was I mortified? Probably both. But today I just felt angry.

I'm going to make my own certificate and vote Sra. Lemus "Most likely to wear her elastic waist pants backwards." Not only is she most likely to, but she already did. That's about the only thing I remember from that class.

This Brings a Happy Tear to my Eye

2007-01-30T19:37:00.000-05:00

Mint Mojito gum! I don't even like gum, but I like mojitos enough to forget that fact.

Housekeeping

2007-01-24T08:17:00.000-05:00

Mystery Girl - I cannot load your blog. Did you change sites again? Or is it something weird with my computer?

Preppy Princess - I'm locked out. I think you have to add my email address so I can sign in. That is, if you want to. I definitely enjoy reading it. If you respond I'll leave my address in the comments.

Mother of the Year

2007-01-22T17:49:00.000-05:00

Today I was pumping gas when an SUV pulled up and I heard a woman screaming. I didn't hear the start of it, but what I did catch sounded like this (with no exaggeration):

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO PEE? YOU HAD THEM FOR THREE FUCKING HOURS AND YOU CAN'T FUCKING SEE IF THEY HAVE TO PEE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

At this point we make eye contact because I couldn't help but stare. She got the baby out and then screamed at the toddler to get out of the car if she had to pee.

I finished pumping my gas and waited in my car to see if the kids were okay, since their mother was obviously teetering on the brink. She came out, threw the kids in the car, made sure I was still watching, then called the unlucky/irresponsible baby daddy:

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DORA BACKPACK? I HAD DIAPERS IN IT WHERETHEFUCKISIT? YOU HAD THEM FOR HOURS AND DIDN'T CHANGE HER DIAPER? WHERE'S THE BAG YOU FUCKHEAD?

Wow. This hurt me on so many levels. I don't know if the woman enjoyed the audience, or if she's always like this. I can see being mad at your ex, but come on. I can guess what that baby's first word is going to be.

Mom, You Asked Me to Post Again...

2007-01-22T16:36:00.001-05:00

I recently gave my BFF a Paula Deen cookbook for her upcoming birthday. She writes about her family and different holiday traditions they have. At one point she says that she and her husband like to eat in the garden, then hit the hot tub with the MOTION LOTION. Eew. Seriously? In a cookbook? That her children are going to read?

Do I have a dirty mind or does motion lotion only mean one thing?

January in Florida is...

2007-01-10T16:40:00.000-05:00

A sweater and scarf paired with capri pants (saw this one today).

Central heat in stores and offices cranked up the minute the temperature drops below 60.

The time swimsuits and patio furniture are put on display in department stores.

A wool overcoat worn with flip flops (saw this one last week).

Confused fleurs.

Hollah!

2007-01-09T19:07:00.000-05:00

I'm Pretty Proud of Myself

2007-01-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

For not buying this today:

If you knew how close I came, you'd be proud of me too.

(Bed Bath & Beyond - I dare you.)

Resolutions

2007-01-05T12:39:00.000-05:00

1. Let the little things go.
2. Get my blogging mojo back for longer than 3 days at a time.
3. Say No more often.
4. Cancel all magazine subscriptions that don’t cause me to squeal with joy upon their arrival.
5. Work more, stress less.
6. Resist the urge to say Fo’ Schizzle as often as I want.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T08:21:00.000-05:00

From Barbie, Skipper, and Evan's new chair, which I later learned he named Tiny Tim.

Shopping for Dummies

2006-12-27T17:40:00.000-05:00

Alternate title: My Wednesday Afternoon

1. Stupidly think that the mall won't be crowded because people work on Wednesdays.

2. Forget all gift cards at home.

3. Swear quietly when you realize this.

4. Eat a pretzel.

5. Walk by Bath and Body Works 3 times to see if the crowd inside is still agoraphobia-inducing thick.

6. Dodge several children wearing those shoes with wheels on the bottom.

7. Buy hair products at Trade Secret, then wince when the cashier reflexively looks at your unwashed hair.

8. Buy a bunch of useless crap with the rationale that it's 50% off.

9. Tell your best friend over the phone that the mall is a cluster-fuck.

10. Round a bookshelf to realize that you just taught young children a new word.

3 More Days

2006-12-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

I just got a new client. A young woman by the name of Klinique. My Christmas vacation can't come fast enough.

Oh, Ashley

2006-12-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

You broke our hearts yesterday. We understand though, because not all cats get to live to be almost 19. You gave new meaning to the name Badass. When you were very little you’d climb the drapes and the fireplace bricks. If someone were talking too loudly while you were sleeping on their lap, you’d wake up just long enough to bite a chin, or a nostril, or even an eyelid as if to say “shut the hell up, already.” Remember that time you were bitten by a snake and we stayed up with you all night to see if you’d live? Remember the time I came home and caught you sleeping next to Bridget with your head on her pillow and your arm around her neck as if you were her husband? You even won over Dad. You were a special member of the family and we will miss you.

Last Night at the Christmas Party

2006-12-17T11:31:00.000-05:00

Me: Your co-worker just called me ma'am. Does that mean I'm old, or is he just polite?

Joe: He's just polite.

Me: Good answer.

More Bitching

2006-12-16T11:15:00.000-05:00

Last week I got my first speeding ticket in three years. I'd been so careful. No more 90 mph on I-10, no more zipping through residential areas. I was on a road that is more like a highway and I was in a great mood. As soon as I crested the hill and saw the motorcycle cops, I knew my three year streak was over.

CHiPs: Any reason why you're going 65 in a 45?
Me: Nope. {In my head - because my new car is sweet and I feel the need for speed.}
CHiPs: Didn't you see the sign back there telling you how fast you're going?
Me: Yep. {In my defense, I slowed down when I saw you.}
CHiPs: Don't you think that's dangerous?
Me: I'm not going to argue with you. {Please don't notice that I'm not wearing my seatbelt, Ponch.}

2 minutes later...

CHiPs: Because of the holidays, I'm cutting everyone a break. I just wrote that you were going 9 over instead of 20.
Me: Thank you. {You're far too kind, even though you were looking for a fight.}
CHiPs: Drive safely.
Me: You betcha.

A Little Christmas Cheer

2006-12-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

This morning I was up early and checked our Ebay account. I saw that Joe had won a giftcard to Quizno's Subs. The auction ended last night at 8:47 p.m. Since we don't live and die by Ebay, we hadn't paid for the giftcard by 6:45 a.m. today. This was the nice message from the seller:

I clearly stated Immediate payment, why have i not recieved your payment, should i open a paypal dispute claim? Do you ever plan on paying me? Please contact me, Let me now!!!Communicate!!!
Roockie

This is the response I worked on all day in my mind:

Roockie,

Chill the fuck out, man. Some people only check Ebay once a day. Not paying for an auction within 10 hours does not constitute the need for a Paypal dispute. This makes me think either the card is stolen, or that you desperately need the $20.00. Last time I checked, you couldn't pay rent, pay child support, or buy drugs using your Paypal account, so take it easy already. Oh, and when you want to "yell" at us by email, at least learn basic 3rd grade spelling and grammar, you whiny little bitch.

Up yours,
Cory

I never got to send this letter because Joe made the payment and rose above the bullshit. He's obviously a better person than both Roockie and me.

Joe Thought His New Stocking Was Less Than Masculine...

2006-12-03T17:28:00.000-05:00

Until he saw how much worse it could have been...

I'm Determined to Get a Food Borne Illness This Holiday Season

2006-11-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend I narrowly escaped eating tainted and recalled Honeybaked Ham.

Last night as I was cooking dinner and talking, I dropped my cell phone on the cutting board. The salmonella covered chicken cutting board.

This should send Christine to an early grave for sure.

Transparent

2006-11-29T09:11:00.000-05:00

This morning when I stopped by my dealer's, I noticed that there were messages printed on the napkins:

Less napkins. More plants. More planet. Less napkins.

That's a really nice sentiment, and true to some degree. But I think the real message is:

Less napkins. More profit for Starbucks. Less napkins.

300th Post

2006-11-28T17:28:00.000-05:00

I'd like to institute a new neighborhood covenant/restriction:

All rotten pumpkins must be removed from your yard before you can put up your Christmas decorations.

Oliver Claus

2006-11-26T17:40:00.000-05:00

Again, the only reason I want a dog.

Letters, We Get Letters, We Get Stacks and Stacks of Letters

2006-11-16T13:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Pollyanna,

You’re the only person in my Bunko group who I’ve found I don’t care for. I’m sure you’re lovely, but you’re just not my cup of tea.

Maybe it’s the fact that you use my email address to try to sell your products. Maybe it’s your knack for turning every conversation back to you within 10 seconds. It could be that you never show any interest in anyone else or ask how she is. Oh, I know. It’s that we’ve known each other for almost a year, you’ve been inside my house, and you still call me Cary. That’s it. I refuse to correct you because I would then be denying myself an opportunity to roll my eyes at the women of substance surrounding you.

Step outside of your fantastic little life for a minute and get a clue.

Peace Out,

Cary

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Woman in the Publix Parking Lot,

Yes, I realize I was driving the wrong way down a one-way aisle. I did it on purpose. I assure you that no one’s car or person was in danger.

Did you know that as you pantomimed and bounced in your seat and said repeatedly that it was one-way I kept my face as impassive as I could as I stared at you? I understood what you were saying, therefore rolling down your window and trying to tell me a fourth time was completely unnecessary.

I sincerely hope this is the biggest problem you face today, as I don’t think you have the coping skills for a real crisis.

Best,

Your passive aggressive fellow driver

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

2006-11-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

One of the newest things to drive me crazy is the misuse of clichés or commonly used phrases. I’m sure I’m guilty of this too, but it doesn’t bother me when I do it. Imagine that.

On Top Chef last week someone screwed up approximately 3 clichés in one sentence. I don’t remember all of them, but one was “don’t throw me off the bus.” Correct cliché (all of these are in my experience only) = “Don’t throw me under the bus.”

On The Amazing Race one of the guys said his partner was being “snickety.” Is that acting in the manner of Lemony Snicket? Correct cliché = “Being snippy” or “In a snit.”

Once an old boyfriend told me that someone was “tempting the waters of fate.” I just looked at him slack-jawed and wondered how I could’ve ever made out with such a dumb ass. Correct cliché = “Tempt the hand of fate” and/or “Test the waters.”

I have a coworker who I actually like a whole lot, but who constantly tempts the waters of fate with her misuse of names/words/and clichés. We were recently talking about someone who was once looked upon favorably, but who is now in the doghouse with our supervisor. She told me that “the dew was off the lily” and “the glow was off the rose” in so many variations that I eventually forgot just what the fuck we were talking about in the first place. I’m not even sure of the correct cliché in this instance. The bloom is off the rose? She also tells me several times a week that different things are not her bailiwick. Okay, I understand that that’s a way of saying that something’s not your job, but you made me look up the word in the dictionary, and you’re still not pronouncing it right.

Updated to add: don't even get me started on "innocent bystandard."

In Defense of the Fair

2006-11-13T10:26:00.000-05:00

Every fall we go to the county fair. I love the fair. I love the cool weather and watching the sunset over the city and eating things on sticks. It would be easy to put the fair in the same distasteful category as theme parks because it true that they too are loud, crowded, germy, and dangerous.

This was a banner year due to the addition of Purell stations every 10 feet. I no longer had to plan the eating of funnel cake before the petting zoo, and I didn’t have to save my $7.00 bag of cotton candy until I got home. Also, there was this new ride that I was so excited about. I can’t describe it, but it required the removal of my shoes and shoulder harnesses. Because of his height, Joe has a hard time with shoulder harnesses. Apparently the workers (I was going to call them carnies, but I won’t now) couldn’t get the thing to latch properly, which would make the safety light come on. I have underestimated fair workers because I never knew there were safety lights, much less that they were enforced. I almost hugged the man as I thanked him for not allowing us to be catapulted into the next county.

We bought tickets from a woman who looked like the “after” part of a crystal meth advisory poster. If she had been operating the catapult, I can’t say I’d be here to write this.

No Title Tuesday

2006-11-07T09:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was using a public restroom and the girl in the next stall was talking on her cell phone as she peed. I could not believe it. I thought doing that was something only seen on television commercials or an urband legend at the most.

I flushed twice because I'm spiteful that way.

Happy Birthday Alicia!

2006-11-06T17:12:00.000-05:00

I'm not so good at the mushy, plus C. said it all. You are an amazing person with a huge heart. Everyone who meets you loves you. I know this past year will be hard to top, but I hope the upcoming one is your best yet. Thanks for being such a great friend. I love you!

It's Like They Planned the Menu for Me

2006-11-02T20:06:00.000-05:00

When I met Joe he worked at an amazing company that threw amazing Christmas parties. I got to go to places I'd never been. Places you have to pay dues to for the priviledge of later buying dinner. Well, this company was bought and the annual entertainment budget was reduced from $25,000. (I'm not even kidding. This is mind-boggling to a girl who's only worked in human services.) Last year was the final straw. We were insulted when we received the invitation to the holiday party at the zoo. We protested by wearing jeans and laughed at the morons in their semi-formal wear.

Joe changed jobs in January. It's a small company, and we really didn't expect to have a party. Believe it or not, no party is better than a party at the zoo. Today we received an unexpected invitation to one of the old members-only clubs. The invitation has a menu card which I've been carrying around so I can look at it now and then. My mouth waters every time.

Bacon wrapped shrimp with sweet chili sauce
Duck spring rolls with plum sauce
Stuffed mushroom caps
She Crab soup
Salad of mixed greens, glazed pecans, dried cranberries, gorgonzola cheese & champagne vinaigrette
Chargrilled filet mignon
Crab cake with lobster cream sauce
Chocolate layer cake

We've been instructed not to wear denim. I think that's a fair trade.

The Opposite of Fun

2006-11-01T16:21:00.000-05:00

Once again I had to torture myself by carving a pumpkin using a stencil. You can't tell, but on the back is a cat and when lit it casts a shadow. In the middle of all this I started swearing and sweating (and stepped on a shard of broken glass) and said I'd never do it again. I'm oddly pleased by how the rats look like my sister's old guinea pig. I'll leave the question of whether or not I purchased a half-priced stencil book today unanswered.

Last night after our 13th trick or treater dressed up as him/herself, we instituted a new rule: "If you can't be bothered to dress up, we can't be bothered to give you a Snickers or Butterfinger. You will receive a Starburst instead."

Why I Love Her

2006-10-27T09:41:00.000-04:00

Me: I have something to tell you. I’m not sure you’ll want to be best friends after this.

Christine: Oh my God, what?

Me: You know how your tastes change? Well, I can’t eat Dunkin Donuts anymore. They make me sick to my stomach.

Christine: I have to sit down. Are you serious?

Me: Yeah.

Christine: How did this happen? Is this something new? I feel dizzy like I’m going to pass out.

Me: (laughter)

Christine: How can you laugh? I’m in real pain over here.

Me: Oh, sorry.

Christine: Well, since they closed all of my Dunkin Donuts, I guess it makes me feel a little better that you won’t be eating them either. This is really going to affect their profit margin.

Over/Under

2006-10-24T08:11:00.000-04:00

Overrated

Appletinis
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
Dark Chocolate
Rachael Ray
Nip/Tuck

Underrated

Ina Garten of The Barefoot Contessa
Movie theatre popcorn
Coffee made with freshly ground beans
The first 39 seconds of Angeles by Elliot Smith
Cold Case
Low humidity

Someone at Target has a Sense of Humor

2006-10-22T14:45:00.001-04:00

Whip-it! Food-Grade N2O Charger Cartridge

(If there were any kids left that didn't know you could inhale these, well, thanks Target.)

The Happy Hooker Meat Hook

Peggy Got Jumped!

(My personal favorite.)

No dirty name, it just makes me smile.

Anyone But Jeffrey

2006-10-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

Picture stolen from People.

Changes

2006-10-17T17:36:00.000-04:00

To keep everyone updated:

Lukewarm Mama can be found here.

Jen can be found here.

And Confessions of an Anti-Blogger can be found here.

Never Again

2006-10-16T17:42:00.000-04:00

Joe's favorite dinner that I make is orange-glazed salmon. It's a bastardized recipe from a restaurant I once worked in.

Salt and pepper a salmon fillet.
Stick it in the oven.
Boil orange juice and sugar until it reduces to a glaze.
When salmon is almost done, pour glaze over it and stick back in the oven.
Top with fresh basil if the neighborhood geese have not eaten your entire herb garden.

Sounds simple, right? No, no way as my two-year-old nephew would say. Each and every time I fall victim to some law of physics: orange juice will boil over no matter what size pot you use. It will turn into a black, sticky mess that can't be cleaned off the stovetop. I actually used a stockpot tonight, and it still boiled over. I'm done, I hope Joe enjoys his last meal of sorts.

P.S. Boiling orange juice smells like urine. Want to come over?

Conflicted

2006-10-14T09:42:00.000-04:00

Like many women, I have a relationship with my hairdresser. Maybe it's just a relationship in my own mind, but I truly grow attached to them. I think that's normal with the level of trust I place in them. I know, it's just hair, but it's important in the grand scheme of things, especially if I want to leave the house during daylight hours.

First there was Abby who lived and worked in a big, pink Victorian house. Her hair was a frizzled, damaged mass of platinum blonde that stood out at all angles. Her kids and various ex-husbands ran in and out of the pink house, and it wasn't unusual for her to smoke and/or dye her own hair while cutting mine. Despite all of this, my hair never looked better. During those few years I took risks, I cut pictures out of magazines, and I tried cuts shorter than ever. The woman did great hair, but the crazy drove me out of there.

Next was Pete. He was flamboyant and had just won a huge transvestite contest when I started to see him. He was lots of fun in the bitchy, catty, hilarious way that draws me to gay men. My hair looked okay during that time. He never wrote my colors down, so I got something new each time. The last time I saw him he was completely sober and told me and another customer that the book "Flowers in the Attic" was based on him and his siblings. I was absolutely speechless. Again, crazy won and I was out of there.

Then came Barbara. Exceedingly normal and I didn't get the feeling that she talked about me as soon as I left. What I liked most about her was her obvious disdain for the human race. She treated me fine, but I could pick up on it in a kind of "takes one to know one" way. I grew attached to her. I felt like I knew her family, and she even did my hair for my wedding. It felt great to sit in her chair with the knowledge that she would cut and color my hair properly with minimal drama. In two years I followed her around to four different shops in my neighborhood. I thought this was weird, but chalked it up to her low tolerance of others. A few weeks ago I called her shop to make an appointment and was told she hadn't worked there in a month. I felt so hurt and betrayed. I felt like I had been so loyal to her and she couldn't even call me to keep me informed. I went ahead and made an appointment at the salon with another stylist. I now look like a middle aged woman with matronly hair, or even a man when I'm not wearing makeup. When I have my glasses on, well, I don't even want to talk about it.

She finally called me yesterday. I don't want to encourage this brand of crazy, but I also don't want hair that requires four different styling products just to look normal. I don't know what to do.

Let's Shop

2006-10-13T18:55:00.000-04:00

I've fallen in love with a company called Uncommon Goods. Below is all the useless, cool shit I want to waste my money on:

Typewriter key bracelet - $140

Winnie the Pooh pillow - $56

Socks for little boys - $22.

License plate map - $3500.

Paper bag vases - $35.

Recycled wrapper clutch - $35.

Saucy tampon cases - $28.

His and Hers key holders - $25 each.

5th wheel birdhouse - $30.

Gnome-be-gone garden statue $125.

Carlos night light - $180.

Really Back This Time

2006-10-11T21:52:00.000-04:00

I had a great vacation last week. My family rented a beach house on a beautiful little island in the panhandle. Perfect weather, no crowds, and bird-sized mosquitos for company.

I also got my laptop back from the Geek Squad (God bless them). While I didn't have it, I had the overwhelming urge to blog daily. Now that I have it back, that feeling will more than likely go away.

File under "Could you just scream from all the cuteness?":

Back

2006-10-06T15:43:00.000-04:00

Tired. Relaxed. Look like a lepper from bug bites. Laptop is at the Sony hospital so I can't upload pictures with ease. Can't form complete thoughts, so enjoy this email I got from a friend. She's getting married next month - in another country. Needless to say, she's handling her nervous breakdown much better than I would have:

Hi everyone,

Would each of you mind sending me your contact number(s)? My cell phone was "damaged" on Sunday, costing me all previously stored information. More specifically, and for humor's sake, I accidentally flushed it down the toilet at Dick's Sporting Goods. Yes, it took the entire phone!

Ah, life.

Updated - I just realized that the subject line of the email was "Goodbye, Moto." Ha!

Found on the Copier This Morning

2006-09-28T14:52:00.000-04:00

And I didn't think anyone I worked with had a sense of humor.

Yum

2006-09-27T08:07:00.000-04:00

Me: Is this Prison Break?

When can we watch Prison Break?

Will you please record Prison Break?

I want to watch Prison Break.

I really think we should start watching Prison Break.

Joe: What is your new fascination with Prison Break?

Me (lying): Oh, nothing...

Best Houseguests Ever

2006-09-26T08:40:00.000-04:00

I can't say one bad thing about my in-laws. I love them. If that makes you hate me, then you should also know that I'm almost finished with my Christmas shopping too. Boo-ya!

Last week I came home everyday to freshly baked bread, cakes, and pies. My lawn was mowed, hedges trimmed, and walls had been painted. I wasn't asked once if I was pregnant yet. If having to lock all of my pay stubs, ratty underwear, and personal items in the trunk of my car was the price, I'd pay it again and again.

Filler Until I Can Stop Cleaning and Hiding Personal Items

2006-09-13T19:04:00.000-04:00

I really don't like email forwards. Those who know me well only send good stuff. Those who don't fill up my inbox with recycled photos and chain letters which make my blood pressure rise. What I'm saying is don't forward me crap, but if you do make sure it's funny. Like this:

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.

http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views.

http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always

http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is

http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9.Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:

http://www.speedofart.com/

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at

http://www.gotahoe.com/

I checked all of these and they're legit. (I'm too lazy to link, plus I have to go clean out my underwear drawer now.)

By Next Tuesday

2006-09-13T15:57:00.000-04:00

Things I Have To Do Before Having Company Next Week:

1. Clean guest room and closet.
2. Repaint a wall in said guest room.
3. Plan meals, make shopping list, and grocery shop.
4. Dust baseboards.
5. Febreze living room furniture.
6. Clean litter box.
7. Clean air conditioning vents.
8. Get carpet professionally steam cleaned.
9. Plant autumn flowers.

Additional Things I Have To Do Before Having Company Since They'll Be At My House While I'm At Work:

1. Paint master bedroom and bath.
2. Line kitchen cabinets with shelf paper.
3. Scrub inside of kitchen trash can.
4. Make sure none of my clean underwear is in the dryer just begging to be folded.
5. Clear a walking path through garage.
6. Organize junk drawers.
7. Make sure all gifts ever received are prominently displayed about house.
8. Clean the bowels of the refrigerator.
9. Hide all marital aids (kidding, Mom!)

Things That Will Probably Happen Before Next Tuesday:

1. I will spend large amounts of time sitting on my arse.
2. All marital aids will be hidden.

Mr. JT - Whatcha Got For Me?

2006-09-12T20:21:00.000-04:00

This morning I rose early to download Justin Timberlake's new album, which was released today. My plan was to burn a CD so that I could show it off to all the 12-year-old girls on my street. They would be like so jealous, you know. Unfortunately my iTunes account wouldn't work and I pitched a complete fit. I had to go to Target to buy it after work (totally worth it.) I don't know what bothers me more - that iTunes is a butthole, or that I had to wait an extra 10 hours to get it. Somehow I'm not bothered at all about my taste in music, for I'm in very good company.

I Still Have The Skeeves

2006-09-11T17:02:00.000-04:00

Because I like to believe that I'm more sophisticated than I really am, I chose a fancy-pants restaurant for my birfday dinner.

Because I like to throw away hard-earned money, I ordered the tasting menu (7 courses of pretentious, small portions of food).

Because I like to please others, I consumed FOIE GRAS-INFUSED STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM. I put it in my mouth and swallowed it. I really did.

I don't know if it was supposed to cleanse my palate like sorbet, but whatever. I have very specific food rules: no veal, no tuna from companies who kill dolphins, and no liver from a goose who was force fed to death.

Lesson learned. Just because it's expensive, just because your waiter looks and talks exactly like Stephen from Top Chef, and just because the restaurant is critically acclaimed does not mean it's good. Next year will more than likely find me at Applebee's eating baby back ribs.

This Is Really Sad

2006-09-04T15:30:00.000-04:00

I predicted this would happen years ago. I know he died doing what he loved, but he leaves behind a wife and two young kids.

Steve - I will continue to say "crikey" in your memory.

How I Prepared For My Class Reunion

2006-09-03T19:12:00.000-04:00

2 months before: Decide to order a brown dress to be “different” since black is my signature color.

6 weeks before: Receive the dress in the mail. See that it's the ugliest brown ever created, complete with copper threads running through it circa 1982. Look online to see if the dress is still available in black. Of course it isn’t. Swear a lot.

4 weeks before: Bleach teeth, get hair did.

3 weeks before: Threaten best friend with death by dismemberment for bailing on reunion.

1 week before: Resigned, look for ugly brown shoes to match ugly brown dress. Buy some; bring them home to find that they don’t match. Drink a bottle of merlot. Get the bright idea to see if the dress is available in black yet. Of course it is. Begin to sweat as I order it. Am told it will arrive in 5-8 days.

4 days before: Am told the reunion is postponed due to Tropical Storm Ernesto. Sing Hosanna in the Highest.

3 days before: Am told the reunion is back on since Tropical Storm Ernesto has become Thunderstorm Ernesto. Weep into my fists.

2 days before: Go to salon to get nails done. Tell the hairless young Asian girl “I’d like some waxing done too.” She says “Your eyebrows? You probably want your lip done too.” “Yeah, um, thanks” I reply.

24 hours before: Miraculously receive black dress in the mail, and it is beautiful. Sit on the couch and tip m&m’s bag directly into my mouth while thinking “Maybe it will be canceled again.”

Decide it might be wise to make a hotel reservation. Do so. Do last minute tweezing, bleaching, waxing, sanding, scraping, and polishing. Put 3 Biore Pore Perfect strips all about face. Asked by husband if I’m auditioning for Braveheart II.

12 hours before: Awaken with a knot in my stomach.

10 hours before: Book it south to meet my girls for lunch. Witness a horrifying car accident directly in front of me that makes me shake for the rest of the afternoon. (No one was hurt – we stopped)

6 hours before: Eat lunch with my girls and their various infants. Feel pains in my uterus that I will away with hard liquor.

5 hours before: Curse my sorry ass when I begin to develop a migraine from drinking in the middle of the day.

4 hours before: Make futile attempt to nap. Take 2 aspirin.

3 hours before: Shake fist at the sky. Take 2 Excedrin.

1 hour before: Realize that I left pantyhose and slip at home. Curse some. Drive to Walgreens to buy hose.

30 minutes before: Realize that I have no time to shower. Get dressed, put on mascara for the first time since my wedding.

During: Stand in a room with a bunch people I don’t know anymore (my girls excluded). Drink Jack Daniels, rock out to 90’s tunes. Take more aspirin. Laugh at self and others as we sit around with coffee mugs in hand complaining that it’s past our bedtimes.

Oy

2006-08-29T15:48:00.000-04:00

There have been times in my life when I've felt good about my accomplishments. There have been times when I haven't thought much about them. Then there have been the times when I've felt like a complete loser, and that I had nothing to show for my life. This has happened since childhood when I'd watch the Olympics or Star Search and realize that if I'd only applied myself, maybe I too could've been a gold medal swimmer or the next Christina Aguilera. (Who am I kidding? There's a certain amount of natural talent required to achieve such things.)

A few years ago Christine was visiting and we were at our favorite bar. There we ran into an acquaintance of hers from college. The girl was getting married the next day - hooray for her. Christine returned home and I called her after I'd looked at the wedding announcements in the Sunday paper. I remember leaving a voicemail that sounded a lot like this: "Did you know that so-and-so is a lawyer? A lawyer! Her new husband's a lawyer too! She's a lawyer and I'm a loser! A loser! Good day." I don't begrudge people their success by any means. You deserve to make six figures your first year out of college if you're willing to work 100 hours a week. I am not.

Imagine my surprise yesterday when I saw so-and-so's picture on a campaign sign. A campaign sign for county judge, no less. I shook my head all the way home, then told Joe about it. He actually knows her (a city of 1.1 million is not so big after all) and said she's favored to win. A judge. At age 33. I thought you had to at least have gray hair to qualify for such stuff.

I'll be over here sitting in the corner and feeling like a loser with nothing to show for her life until the first Tuesday in November. At the earliest.

Am I The Last To Have Seen This?

2006-08-26T15:39:00.000-04:00

Mmmm...

2006-08-23T08:45:00.000-04:00

Me: Do you want some, uh, homemade butterscotch "pudding?" (air quotes)

Joe: Pudding? I thought you were making gravy.

I should know better than to cook something that requires constant stirring.

Further Grief

2006-08-22T19:17:00.000-04:00

Ever since the post from yesterday, people have found my blog by doing a Google search for "gay bondage." That's a new one.

Also, I approved the comment for what I thought was five minutes so Christine could see it. I can't delete it from my MySpace page now. Punishment for my sins? Probably.

Dear Me,

2006-08-22T08:34:00.000-04:00

Hi! How are you? Fine I hope.

Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about your ugly-ass work shirt collection. What gives? You used to have standards and acceptable taste. You've always liked solid colors and simple patterns. That's why I can't understand why you continue to purchase garments like this:

Not only is the pattern hideous, but the cut? I don't think that was ever in style.

And how about this next one? Just because something costs $7.99 at Ross does not mean you need to own it. And while it's a plus that it doesn't require ironing, that doesn't mean it won't melt if exposed to an open flame, or your car seats for that matter. And who is this Susan Lawrence and Suzie in the City of whom you are so fond? I've personally never heard of either of them.

And this one? That you wore with black pants in public TWICE before realizing it was actually dark brown? Grotesque. It may be passable if it was the only ugly shirt in your summer wardrobe, but lo it's just one of many. One of many.

Here's my advice: quit your bitching and go back to the mall for clothes you plan on wearing outside of the house. If you do happen to stumble into Ross, stick with the solids. Please heed my advice, I'm trying to be a friend here.

Regards,

You

Spare Me

2006-08-21T17:26:00.000-04:00

I've known a girl since we were eight or so. We rarely talk, but have emailed over the years. I think her goal in life is to shock me. Not very easy. Disgust me, much easier.

First she told me that she was bisexual - big whoop.

Then she told me that she and her ex-husband had a girlfriend who lived with them and their young son - I say do what you want, but you owe certain things to your young child, such as sheltering them from the fact that you're engaging nightly in a threesome in the next room.

Next I found out that she was into bondage - again, do whatever you want in the privacy of your own home.

Now I just got a MySpace message from her which features a slide show of people in various stages of undress and someone with a ball gag in her mouth.

I don't need this. I've lived in the big city for quite awhile and actually have--gasp--gay friends. I've known swingers. More people are into bondage than I ever would've imagined. Please stop thinking that you're going to expose me to something so shocking that I'll actually give you a reaction.

Good God, I can't wait to see who she'll bring to the reunion as her date.

(C. - that's reason enough to go.)

Feel Free To Just Skim This One

2006-08-21T11:08:00.000-04:00

While I've been on my "I hate blogging" break, I've stored up many things in my pea brain that I feel the need to bitch about:

I read in People that many people (redundant) who had to abandon their pets during Katrina are trying to track them down now that they're back on their feet. The problem is that many other people adopted these "abandoned" pets and now refuse to give them back. I said this last year: a lot less people would have died if rescuers had allowed them to bring along their pets. I know that human lives are more important than animals' lives, but what an agonizing decision to leave your little babies behind to face a horrible death. I could cry right now thinking about it. Imagine these poor people who have lost everything, including their beloved animals. After months of searching they discover that their dog didn't die, but was rescued and adopted. Now imagine these other poor people who thought they were doing the right thing by taking in a rescued dog. It's been a year; of course they don't want to give him back. Nobody wins.

This JonBenet Ramsey thing? Bullshit. I am unqualified to comment on this since I haven't been keeping up with it, but I just don't think that guy did it.

Duvet covers are the devil's handiwork. Who thought of this? I accidentally bought one because the package said "duvet." "Duvet" and "duvet cover" are very different. I tried to put a lightweight comforter into it last night. I had to climb inside the actual cover to straighten it, and it was still lumpy. Then it was so heavy that I may as well have stuffed it with bricks. Then it slipped completely off the bed in the middle of the night and I woke up freezing. If only it weren't so pretty.

This blogging thing doesn't come easy anymore. The ideas and words just don't flow like they used to. I wish I didn't care about stats and comments, and I wish I didn't resent people who get hundreds and even thousands of hits each day who are not that interesting and/or can't spell. Please don't misinterpret this as a plea for anyone to beg me to keep blogging. I'm not one of those jerks who need reassurance or validation from the blogging community from time to time (I'm sure you've seen them). It's just a hobby; it's not a big deal.

Next month I'm going to my 15th high school reunion and turning 33. I'm not prepared for either one of these mentally. I don't even know how to begin.

I've started misspelling common words lately. For instance, I just spelled accidentally "accidently." The other day I was writing something by hand and had to think of an alternative to "necessarily" because I couldn't remember how to spell it. Is that a sign of age? It's one thing to have never known, but to just lose skills? I'm worried about my mental state.

Mamas, Don't Let Your Daughters Grow Up To Watch Project Runway

2006-08-19T20:04:00.000-04:00

I was infuriated by last week's episode. Not only because
someone undeserving got the boot, but because this pretty
young thing was called "zaftig." I hate that word. She was also
said to be bigger than the other models and was even accused of not having a waist. This outfit was unflattering, being made out of trash and all, but I disagree that she looked like a plus sized model like Heidi Klum said.

If this is what zaftig looks like, sign me up.

Why I Love Rescue Me

2006-08-16T18:21:00.000-04:00

I understand that I'm the only person I know who watches this show, but I feel it's my civic duty to tell others how funny it is. The writing is superb. For example, this little gem was said to this guy by his new girlfriend last night:

"You know, for a man who looks like a garden gnome you've got a lot of demands."

Laugh out loud funny, no? Hello? Anyone?

There Is Something A Little Too Human About These

2006-08-15T17:27:00.000-04:00

It may be the fingernails.

How I Ruined My Own Life

2006-08-07T17:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I bought a book called "A Consumer's Dictionary of Food Additives." When I got home I looked up an unknown ingredient in my favorite cheese. It went a little something like this:

Rennet - enzyme from the lining membranes of the stomach of suckling calves.

OMFG.

I'm thinking about going vegan.

I'm Having a Bad Week

2006-08-02T14:26:00.000-04:00

If you want to be my friend:

Please don’t invite me to a surprise couple’s wedding shower. Like, ever. Especially if I only know the couple casually and I’m not invited to the wedding itself.

If you want to be my clothing consignment store proprietor:

Please don’t close up shop with zero warning. Especially before I’ve had a chance to collect the $2.24 you owe me. That’s just bad business.

If you live in my neighborhood:

Please don’t go to a club and talk to someone else’s girlfriend. Particularly when that someone is absolutely fucking nuts and as a result drives by your house and unloads his gun into it. It gives your neighbors a sense of uneasiness, and causes them to wonder if COPS will be filmed in your development the next time they’re in town.

If you want to sell me gluten-free chicken nuggets for $6.00 a box:

Maybe for that price you could find a way to make them taste marginally better than a McNugget. Just a suggestion.

If you’re Netflix:

You’re not fooling anyone, dicks. I know that you purposely take an extra long time to send out new DVDs so that no one can actually get their money’s worth each month.

If you work in the Starbucks drive through:

It’s really unnecessary to speak like Yoda while taking my order. I know you’ve been working since 5:45 a.m., and if it’s too early for me to crack a smile, it’s too early for you to attempt to be cute.

If you’re the hostess in the restaurant where I ate Saturday night:

You’re 16. That’s too young to call me “honey.” I don’t take offense at being called “ma’am.” I don’t even take offense at no longer being carded. Unfortunately, I am literally old enough to be your mother. Just to be safe, strike the word “honey” from your vocabulary.

If you're Rascal Flatts:

There was no need to remake that song "Life is a Highway." It sucked the first time.

If you're XM radio:

Please stop playing Rascal Flatts on my stations. I don't believe in cross over artists, and neither should you.

Yes, I'm Home Again on a Friday Night

2006-07-28T21:58:00.000-04:00

Sitemeter never fails to crack me up. The most popular search item is for Sourpuss Alcohol, which I've never heard of. Also how much it costs, where to buy it, and how many calories it has. The searches are always, always from Canada, and the amount of searches rise drastically on Fridays. I guess all those wild and crazy Canadians are trying to get their parties started.

It's So Freaking Hot Here

2006-07-27T17:11:00.000-04:00

How hot is it? For starters, I left a magazine in my car today and when I picked it up it fell apart because the glue had melted.

We're going to south Florida this Saturday. I think we're wicked smart.

I Probably Shouldn't Have Access To A Debit Card

2006-07-26T19:40:00.000-04:00

Last week I had to train a bunch of people at work, therefore I had to make a trillion copies and assemble packets. I gave myself a 15 minute window to complete this task. Surprise! I was the only person in the office and the copy machine was out of toner. I couldn't tell you where extra toner was, and highly doubt that we even had a backup. I booked it to Kinko's and made the copies just in time. For the low price of $45.53. I'm almost afraid to submit the receipt for reimbursement.

Later that day I went to the grocery store and noticed that they had manchego cheese, which I'd been wanting to try. I couldn't find a price, and didn't think it would cost that much. When I got home and looked at the receipt, I saw that it cost $7.83 for a 4 oz. piece. I don't normally spend that kind of money on cheese, being lactose intolerant and all. The worst part is that it's so delicious and I can't wait to buy some more. Only 57% of the calories come from fat, so I don't see why I shouldn't.

Little Bunny Frou Frou

2006-07-21T22:24:00.000-04:00

I was just watching the news and saw a story about a pet python who ate a queen-sized electric blanket - which was still plugged in. This happened when it was enjoying its weekly meal of a bunny [Oh my freaking God! Who could feed a cute little helpless bunny to a disgusting snake every week? That borders on psychotic in my opinion, but then owning an 82 foot long snake does too]. It took two hours for the vet to remove the blanket. The snake's owners have some serious issues:

1. They own a snake who could eat them in their sleep.
2. They have no problem buying and sacrificing precious animals to sustain this beast.
3. They feed the snake on their bed.
4. They use an electric blanket. In July. If Missouri is in a state of emergency from the heat, I can't imagine that it's much cooler where they live.

Other People, They Make Me Laugh

2006-07-19T19:53:00.000-04:00

My friend Beverly talking about someone who angered her:

She's a hater. She's just a big old glass of Hatorade.

My two-year-old nephew, when asked if he wanted to be put in time out:

YEAH!!!

My sister from her desk at work:

Someone in my scent radius is wearing baby lotion. Baby lotion! On an adult! Someone else is clipping their nails. I have to cover up my coffee cup in case one comes flying over my cubicle wall.

*******

Yeah. I think I'm going to stop trying to bake gluten-free bread.

Well, I'll Be Damned

2006-07-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

My job requires me to spend long periods of the day in other people's homes. Through this arrangement I get to hear/watch/allow myself to be distracted by some ordinarily non-preferred TV shows. I'm current on all the comings and goings of As The World Turns, which I haven't watched in 15 years. I watch way too much Dr. Phil, and if I never see another court show, it will be far too soon.

Maury Povich has sunk to new depths. Was he once a respected journalist, or was that something I dreamed up? If you're not watching his show, he specializes in paternity testing. It's all very dramatic in a Jerry-Springer-Rikki-Lake-I'm-not-your-baby's-daddy-fist-fight sort of way. Today there was a woman who told her tale of giving up a baby 22 years ago because she was homeless, etc. A family member ran into the long lost daughter and said "you look like so and so." The daughter told the family member that she was adopted and her birthday was ____. Of course it was the exact same day that the woman gave her baby up for adoption.

The tears started flowing before the test results were even announced. When it was determined that the long lost daughter was indeed the woman's, I had to excuse myself from the room. The fact that a Maury Povich episode touched me makes me loathe myself in new and different ways. I can't even blame this on PMS.

Oh, Nooooo!

2006-07-17T17:55:00.000-04:00

I just noticed that Joe was drinking a bright red concoction that I don't remember buying. I asked him what it was, and he said that it was Kool Aid. That he bought in college 12 years ago. Or was it 15?

I am horrified. He started to tell me that we may have some Spam that's around 6 years old. My reply was "Thank you. I haven't had anything to blog about lately."

My Recipe For Creamed Corn

2006-07-13T20:09:00.000-04:00

Cut the kernals off 4-5 ears of fresh corn.
Saute in a skillet with no less than 1/2 stick of butter.
Add salt and pepper.
Stir often.
Turn down heat and add a little milk. Allow to simmer.
Serve corn and exclaim "Oh my God, this is right up there with my mother's!" (Quick aside - I've never once heard her compliment her own cooking. It may be a Southern thing that I didn't inherit.)
Wrap up uneaten corn.
All next day say little prayers that your husband didn't eat the corn before you could get home.
Heave a sigh of relief when you see that he didn't.
Microwave for two minutes.
Eat entire bowl in less than 3 minutes, crying out to the cats "this is some of my best work ever!"
Lie on couch moaning in pain and holding stomach for the rest of the evening.

Further Evidence That I Married My Father

2006-07-12T22:04:00.000-04:00

(And that makes me feel kinda icky on the inside.)

While growing up, my dad pretended to hate all of our pets. The cat we've had the longest (18 yrs.) still lives with him. Initially, he told everyone that my sister and I left her there when we went to college, and "oh-damned-cat-how-I-hate-her" became his mantra. This cat has it pretty good for being so hated. She eats nothing but Science Diet food, which requires him to drive 30 minutes to buy. She sleeps in his bed and they cuddle while watching TV each night.

I've had my cats for 9 years now. When Joe and I first discussed living together, I said "what about the cats?" I was prepared to give the "we're a package deal" speech, but didn't have to because he said "they can come too." No problem, I thought.

Joe can't be in the same room as a hairball. They literally make him sick (with good reason). The cats are furry, they shed like mad, the litter box stinks, they're loud, and I really think he comes from the school of thought that real men only like dogs.

When I got home today, I guess I opened the front door quietly or too quickly, because I caught him lying on the couch with one of the cats. She may have even been touching him. I yelled "busted!" and haven't been able to stop laughing since. He's never going to live this one down.

It's Only Monday and I've Already Been to ABC Liquors

2006-07-10T17:27:00.000-04:00

I saw this on a wine bottle named "Big Ass Chard" and thought it was worth sharing:

It should probably be offensive, but I like that they made the guy fat too. Not as fat, but not exactly Jack Sprat. I didn't mean for that to rhyme. I should stop drinking now.

Let's Do This

2006-07-10T09:01:00.000-04:00

I stole this from someone who doesn't read my blog, so it's all good.

Only Drinks in my hell:

* Red Bull and vodka
* White Zinfandel
* All beer since it gives me migraines
* Peach Nehi soda (did I spell that right?) and all other flavors as well.

Only Food in my hell:

* Pickled beets
* Okra
* Mustard
* Organ meats or any meat that shouldn't be eaten by humans i.e. dog, cat, horse.

Only Occupations in my hell:

* Anything requiring me to work in the hot sun
* Customer Service rep
* Collections agent
* Anything involving numbers such as a CPA

Only Music in my hell:

* Yanni
* Kenny G
* Christian Pop
* All Country (sorry friends)

Only President in my hell:

* I'm not going to get into this one. I'll only say that if a democrat had won the last election, we'd all hate him too.

Only Authors in my hell:

* Danielle Steele
* Maeve Binchy
* Fern Michaels
* Any romance writer who has featured Fabio on a cover

Only Husbands in my hell:

* Cheaters
* Liars
* Someone who refuses to work
* Someone who can't be trusted with money (gambler, heavy drinker, etc.)

Only activities allowed in my hell:

* Mowing the lawn
* GYN exams
* Spending any time out in the sun and/or heat
* Having yard sales

I Know the Answer is "No One Cares, You Self-Absorbed Pain in the Ass"

2006-07-07T20:06:00.000-04:00

But the question still remains: What am I going to wear these with?

These shoes are so pretty that I want to lick them. Unfortunately, everyone else at the outlet mall thought so too, because the only color left in my size was "crushed berry." I only wear black shoes. Twice a year I wear brown. I may just wear them around the house in my pajamas. What? I've done that with other new shoes before. It's totally normal.

I'm Scared

2006-07-06T12:52:00.000-04:00

Phase III of Operation: Class Reunion© possessed me to pay a small fortune for these yesterday. It brought back memories of that summer four years ago when my BFF* and I used the original, wimpy Crest Whitestrips for what I believe was Operation: We're Both Single at the Same Time, So Let's Find New Boyfriends©.

I can't describe the pain and misery these caused. Sure, they worked, but at what price? I had to give up margaritas and everything else sour for several months. We had to invent a new language which involved moving our mouths as little as possible. We had to turn away the air conditioning vents in our cars because the air blowing on our teeth was agony. We may have shed a few tears from time. Someone may have even explained to her boss why she was acting so funny. But our teeth were white. We must have recovered before meeting our new boyfriends, because really, who wants to date a girl who has to rearrange every part of her life to minimize teeth pain caused by vanity?

*My BFF is no secret, I just didn't want to throw her under the bus. Wait a minute, I just remembered her post about me getting so drunk I lay face down on the grass in front of a Denny's. In a dress and heels. Nevermind, CHRISTINE!

Ain't No Tired Like Having House Guests Tired

2006-07-05T19:59:00.000-04:00

My cousin and his family visited us for the loooong weekend. We had a par-tay (suck it next door neighbors) and I got to use my pretty gay pride lanterns:

We went to the zoo. I will tell you that this fellow was catching something in his hand, but I won't tell you what it was or whether or not he ate it afterwards. Some things are better left unsaid:

This precious little bundle got lost in a department store, which shaved a few years off my life:

We saw fireworks:

That's it for making complete sentences tonight. Hope everyone had a good holiday.

You May Have To Live in Florida To Appreciate This One

2006-07-01T11:47:00.000-04:00

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

*Updated to add - I didn't make this up, I got it in an email. My creativity is limited, you know.

Reasons Why I Dislike My Next Door Neighbors

2006-06-29T08:10:00.000-04:00

They let their large dog defecate in my yard.
They don't mow their lawn until it looks like a wheat field at harvest time.
They ask that any car blocking their driveway by a fraction of a centimeter immediately move.
They have parties and don't invite us (I wonder if it's because they've noticed the mothballs we placed at our property line to keep their dog the hell out?)
They have a broken down car in their driveway. At least it's not on concrete blocks. Yet.
Once their daughter was having a yard sale and tried to get me to buy some of her toys. When I asked what she was raising money for, she said "My mom's bills, I guess." I have a problem with young children being that burdened.
Someone around here is using my wireless connection, effectively slowing my shit down. I don't know who it is, but I don't dislike anyone else on this block, so I blame them.
The remote control for their ceiling fans are set to the same frequency as ours, which causes us to wake up either sweating or freezing unexpectedly.
I suspect that they're probaby very nice.
They obviously dislike us too.

An Ode To Star Jones, Sung To Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River"

2006-06-28T17:52:00.000-04:00

*Alternate titles include "I have too much time on my hands," and "I will probably delete this post tomorrow."*

You were obnoxious
You were a bitch
But you didn't know all the ways we loathed you, no
So you took a chance
ABC made other plans
But I bet you didn't think your gig would come crashing down, no

You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out from The View
Now there's just no chance, for you and Rosie, there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it?

You told us you did pilates
Why did you lie about losing weight?
Now you tell us your doctors helped you
Was gastric bypass your fate?

Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With one of your fans
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river
Cry me a river-er
Cry me a river
Cry me a river-er, yea yea

I know that they say
That some things are better left unsaid
Is that what they mean when they say your husband's gay?
(Don't act like you don't know it)
All of these things The Insider told us
Keep messing with my head
You should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it
(Yea..)

You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out on The View
Now there's just no chance, for you and Barbara, there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it?

You told us your contract wasn't renewed
Did you lie for the pity?
Yesterday you tell us you were fired
When you were supposed to wait until July

Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With one of your fans
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river
Cry me a river-er
Cry me a river
Cry me a river-er, yea yea

Oh
The damage is done
So I guess you'll be leaving
Oh
The damage is done
No more on-air product plugs
Oh
The damage is done
See you never
Oh
The damage is done
So I guess you'll be... leaving

I Have Serious Blogger's Block

2006-06-24T11:52:00.000-04:00

I wish I were one of those people with endless things to write about. I'm not, so I stole this from MK.

What curse word do you use the most?

That's really hard to narrow down, but I guess fuck and Goddammit.

Do you own an iPod?

Yes. It's pink of course.

Who on your MySpace "Top 8" do you talk to the most?

Christine, Alicia, and Heather.

What time is your alarm clock set for?

7:40 am, which gives me time to hit the snooze button twice.

What color is your room?

White.

Flip flops or sneakers?

Flip flops. I hate wearing socks.

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?

Take the picture.

What was the last movie you watched?

I have no idea.

Do any of your friends have children?

The majority do.

Has anyone ever called you lazy?

Absolutely. In fact, it was my nickname my senior year of high school.

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?

Occasionally Tylenol PM, but only if I'm desperate.

What CD is currently in your CD player?

A mix that I made.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?

Regular.

Has anyone told you a secret this week?

I don't think so.

Have you ever given someone a hickey?

No.

Who was the last person to call you?

My mama.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?

They may as well because I'm probably talking about them too.

Did you watch cartoons as a child?

Yeah, The Smurfs.

How many siblings do you have?

One.

Are you shy around the opposite sex?

No.

What movie do you know every line to?

Sixteen Candles.

Do you own any band t-shirts?

Not anymore.

What is your favorite salad dressing?

Thousand Island if there's cheese on the salad, Blue cheese otherwise. It's all very complicated.

Do you read for fun?

Yes.

Do you cry a lot?

Yes. Especially at theme parks.

Who was the last person to text message you?

Cingular.

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?

Both.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?

Nope.

What is the weather like?

Rainy.

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?

I don't find that attractive, but then I'm not looking for anyone to date.

Is sex before marriage wrong?

Probably, but I only know a few people who haven't had it.

When was the last time you slept on the floor?

Probably at a slumber party.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?

At least 8.

Are you in love or lust?

Love.

Are your days full and fast-paced?

Weekdays are.

Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?

I do. It doesn't mean I care though.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?

33. This is the question that makes me believe a 16-year-old made this thing up.

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?

Yes.

Have you ever been to Six Flags?

In Georgia.

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?

It all depends.

Do you like cottage cheese?

Yes.

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?

Side always.

Have you ever bid for something on eBay?

All the time.

Do you enjoy giving hugs?

Yes.

What song did you last sing out loud?

A jingle from a Frasier rerun. It stayed in my head until I fell asleep last night.

What is your favorite TV show?

It was Rescue Me until this past episode where Tommy raped his estranged wife. I'm not sure I can watch it anymore.

Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with?

Oprah. Shut up.

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

When you have anxiety you always have butterflies in your stomach.

What one thing do you wish you had?

Healthy babies, but not today.

Favorite lyrics?

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Is how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

(Sounds very cynical now.)

What's That Smell?

2006-06-20T09:10:00.000-04:00

On Saturday we went to Islands of Adventure. It's not owned by Disney after all, but I am often too lazy to check my facts.

There is a special place in Heaven for the inventor of these water misty things:

Hey - I have an idea! Let's start selling alcohol in the morning, because nothing mixes better than heat, crowds, long lines and drunk people. With an admission price of $73.00, I should think fist fights would be included.

Did you know that some people from other countries don't know that it's socially unacceptable to skip others in line? And then there are others who have a moral objection to wearing deoderant. To be fair, that isn't limited to foreigners by any means.

I saw lots of people in wheelchairs and scooters. Also, lots of older kids being pushed in strollers. I found this unsettling since I've been watching that show Honey, We're Killing the Kids. Something good was that the majority of the restaurants and food carts sold "healthy alternatives" i.e. salads and fruit. Doesn't mean that anyone bought them, just that they were offered. As were turkey legs. It felt a little like being at a Renaissance festival.

One woman who was pushing her 8-year-old son in a stroller thought it would be funny to let go of the stroller as it went down a ramp. It came within inches of knocking me down, causing me to leap out of the way and scream "Jesus Christ" in front of several kids. I think I showed tremendous restraint by not screaming what I really wanted, which was something containing the words stupid, fucking, and bitch.

Right after this happened, I suffered a small psychotic break in which I burst into tears in a restaurant and asked I asked Joe over and over if he thought I would make a horrible mother since I hated theme parks and had limited patience with the human race. That was fun.

I'm not making fun of people with certain body dimensions or prosthetic limbs. I'm just wondering if the park had to make these signs after someone's body part flew off?

I Wasn't Kidding About The Snakes Around Here

2006-06-19T18:59:00.000-04:00

Whoever just said "Oh, that's only a harmless grass snake," can come on over and turn the sprinkler system on for me.

Congratulations Alicia!

2006-06-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

Alicia became a mom on Friday night to little Jake. Go over and show her some love.

Britney, Britney, Britney

2006-06-16T09:57:00.000-04:00

This is the expression I've been wearing since watching your Dateline interview last night. I don't know what I found most disturbing. Was it your boobs hanging out of your shirt? Or the mention that you're worth $100 million, then showing your chewed off fingernails with chipped polish? Was it your weird body language and facial expressions when saying how strong your marriage is? Or how about saying that you didn't know your husband's girlfriend was pregnant when you got together? Perhaps it was answering that you didn't know how pregnant you were? "I don't know. Six or seven months." I've personally never met a woman who didn't know exactly how pregnant she was down to the week, but that's just me.

Oh, I know what it was. It was the fact that you requested to do the interview, then showcased your ignorance even further. You gave the general public even more reason to make fun of you. Maybe you did sit on your dad's lap while he was driving when you were young, but I'll bet you weren't an infant, and we all know much better now. For future reference, saying "we're country" is not a valid excuse for any mistake you make.

I did have moments when your pain touched my cold, dead heart. I am sorry that your life has been ruined by the tabloids. But I'm begging you to stop making it so easy for them, and to stop giving them so much material to work with.

Please Help

2006-06-15T20:16:00.000-04:00

We are going to 2 Orlando theme parks this weekend because we enjoy misery and pain. Actually, we got a free pass in the mail for being Florida residents. Walt Disney, Inc. knows that real Floridians would rather take a poke in the eye with a sharp stick than walk around all day in this kind of heat and humidity. My dilemma is that my legs are too white to wear shorts in public. That leaves capri pants, which is fine by me. Unfortunately, at this point in my life I'm not ready to pair sneakers and socks with capris. Only matching sandals/slides, preferably black. Every time we go somewhere that involves walking, Joe asks if my feet are going to start hurting. Last year blisters kicked vanity in the ass and I had to buy a pair of new sneakers mid-trip. Any suggestions from my real and imaginary friends?

**********

Good luck to Alicia and Stephen who will have a new son this time tomorrow!

Blogging By Proxy

2006-06-14T09:33:00.000-04:00

My sister has declined to start a blog about her adventures in buying a home. Something about working full time, chasing after a two-year-old, and having to wash dishes in her master bathroom sink every night.

These are some stories that need to be shared. For instance, the tile guy asked for part of his payment in cash. Why, my sister asked my brother-in-law? "Because he spent all his money at the Pink Pony and he wants to go back." (That's a strip club.)

Then there was the fence guy who had to cancel his initial appointment with her because when he "went to get in the car this morning, the door fell right off." We all had a good laugh at that excuse. They rescheduled the appointment and she fully expected him to pull up in a hooptie. Nope. He pulled up in the exact same make and model of car she drives.

What Am I Missing?

2006-06-13T19:02:00.000-04:00

I rarely talk about politics, and I try not to blog about them because I'd rather offend people in different ways. So, my question is why in the hell did we drop two 500 lb. bombs on Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi, only to provide him with medical attention directly afterward? I don't get it.

Joe's favorite hobby is saving money and/or getting a good deal on things. He often buys gift cards on Ebay, and usually ends up saving at least 10% at places where we shop and eat. I was just checking our auctions and I saw that he's losing a bid on a $25.00 Outback gift card. The winning price is up to $24.00 and shipping and handling is $1.50. I hope that mathematical genius rewards himself for his coup with a Chocolate Thunder from Down Under.

*Updated - the winning bid was $24.99.

Everything You've Heard Is True

2006-06-12T16:28:00.000-04:00

Bath and Body Works has brought back a bunch of their discontinued scents. Just where in the hell are Grapefruit and Herbal Mist? I wish I'd never heard this news.

I was just watching Dr. Phil (completely on accident) and there was a woman who got pregnant unexpectedly because her husband had relations with her while she was asleep. Come on now. Who is that heavy of a sleeper? I didn't watch the whole show, but I hope Dr. Phil discussed the topic of rape as well as the pregnancy. What a nice guy she married.

I've been trying to talk my sister into starting a blog. She and her husband just bought a new house and are doing renovations. Apparently the previous owners were complete pigs. The proof is that a chicken bone was found under the upstairs bathroom vanity. Now that's some good material to work with. (She would want you to know that all vermin have vacated the premises.)

I just found out that my office is moving tomorrow morning instead of at the end of the month, like we all thought. I've packed exactly half of one box.

I don't like Mondays.

Got Me Lookin So Crazy Right

2006-06-11T18:41:00.000-04:00

I was shopping in Ross today, or Ross Dress For Less as some people call it, and I saw a small boy having a complete breakdown. Someone carried him out and I didn't think anything of it. I then went to Target, or Nirvana as some people call it, and I saw the same kid having another breakdown and being carried out. I remarked to the cashier "I just saw him in Ross and he was having a fit in there too." She said "he's always like that." Doh. What are the chances of her knowing him and/or being related to him? I haven't stuck my foot in my mouth like that in some time.

Also seen today was a mom with a baby daughter carrying a baby bag embroidered with "Biance." Lady, even if you spell it differently everyone is going to give your child shit for the rest of her life for being named after Beyonce Knowles. It's like the girl named Tennille I knew as a kid. As in Captain and Tenille. It's also like the football player Pac Man Jones. I could go on...

This Looks So Uncomfortable

2006-06-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

Find your own pose!

I Am Not Very Bright: An Essay In Photos

2006-06-10T20:21:00.000-04:00

This morning I wasted several hours sorting through CDs of pictures in an attempt to organize and compress. Is compress the right word? I don't care right now, and that will all make sense later. The whole time I was working on the pictures, I knew in my mind that it was to reduce the number of CDs in my possession, an attempt to further purge clutter from my life. Three hours into the project it occurred to me that CDs don't take up very much space at all.

This afternoon I made my first loaf of gluten-free bread in the bread maker. It turned out like this:

And also like this:

I really don't think it's my fault that it turned out 1/3 of the size it was supposed to. I think the yeast was dead. The dough did look like the blob brother Chet was turned into in the movie Weird Science. How is it that I can still remember his name?

This evening I ate a big dinner, then decided it was time to do a little gardening. Anyone who knows me will say that I don't like hard work, and I don't like the heat. It reached 99 degrees today with a million percent humidity. But really, this flower bed looked terrible. It was a mish mash of several different flowers and bushes which clashed and has been preventing us from winning our development's "yard of the month." Note how big that bush is on the right:

It is great to be a Florida Gator, but not in my freaking yard:

I dug out everything in the aforementioned flower bed. By my own damn self.

I had to lie down in the grass a few times and I'm still seeing spots and in grave danger of vomiting. No snake sightings, but if I were afraid of lizards I would already be dead, rather than waiting to die of heat stroke later tonight.