Thursday, July 21, 2005

More Ratings and Whatnot

Surreal Life 5 – Hot diggity. Is this a train wreck or what? Janice Dickinson makes even Omarosa look like a nice person. I can tell that Janice is playing to her audience and being the crazy "first supermodel" plastic surgery junkie that she is, but she crossed the line during the bowling episode. Even retarded people know that calling someone “retard” is offensive. And calling someone "Rainman"? Oh no she didn’t. What bothers me the most is that this bitch is raising children who will grow up to be just as nuts as she is. I can’t wait until next week. I give it an A so far.

Ted’s Montana Grille – Hmmmm. Where to begin? We met our friends Theresa and Chris and their two precious daughters here last Sunday. I already border on being a vegetarian some days because I’m so repulsed by meat. Other days all I want is a big steak. Anyway, I’m in one of my anti-meat moods lately and the thought of eating somewhere that served so much Bison freaked me out. Because of my years upon years in the restaurant industry, I am a “foodie,” though I’ve never used that word in a sentence until now. I know good food, and enjoy trying new things, but I will never jump on this bandwagon of thinking that game meat is nouvelle cuisine. I may have formed these opinions based on growing up in Smalltown, FL where everyone had a gun rack and dog cages in their pickup trucks. Here is my free association with game meat: Venison – something the men in my hometown would hunt for and feed their families with for an entire winter. If you hit a deer with your car, you didn’t even have to put forth the effort to strap on your hunting gear and load up the dogs – and no, I’m not kidding. Quail – birds that sit on telephone wires that boys shoot with pellet guns. Elk – aren’t they endangered? Rocky Mountain Oysters – an urban myth because I can’t imagine anyone putting those in their mouth. Bison – disgusting, dirty animals that the Indians would hunt and use their hides for blankets. Ugh. So back to my review: the husbands got bison burgers and enjoyed them thoroughly. Because Joe and I play little games to amuse ourselves, I agreed to eat a bite of his hamburger in exchange for getting to pick that afternoon’s movie. In a blind taste test I would not have gagged, but knowing what I was eating put a real damper on things. The creamed spinach was out of this world, the service was friendly, but inefficient, and they had a revolving door at the front of the restaurant which always scares the shit out of me. To sum up, I probably would not eat here again if given the choice. But in order to spend time with those two little girls again, I would probably eat at Larry’s House of Rocky Mountain Oysters. D

The Wedding Crashers – This is the movie I had to eat bison in order to see, so I probably would not admit that it was bad, had it been bad. It was predictable, but funny, and a nice break from all the psychological thrillers I’ve been seeing lately. It felt like a guilty pleasure and I think Owen and Vince were terrifically cast. Christopher Walken was a bonus, though underutilized. Plus, I can’t imagine any better way to spend an oppressively hot Sunday afternoon than in cold darkness while being forcibly entertained. I give it a B.

Bionaire Hepa Air Cleaner – Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you. My life has drastically improved since the horrid feathers have gone bye bye and my air is once again allergen-free. Though noisy, worth every dime. Even if it is just psychological, I feel so much better. A

Starbucks Apricot Granola Thingy – I am not proud of how much money I spend at Starbucks. When I worked there, a regular customer confided that he spent $300.00 a month there. When you realize that your car payment isn’t even that much, it puts things into perspective quickly. I don’t spend close to that amount, though I could probably sponsor several of Sally Struthers' children instead. Something I get a kick out of is how people try to delude themselves that certain foods are good for them, or low fat, because of the name or a particular ingredient. Since I plan to alienate and offend everyone I know through the writings on this blog, I will tell the story of the day my dear friend Beverly and I were making lunch for our clients, in big assembly line cluster-fuck style. We were making grilled cheese sandwiches that were fried in butter, and she said to me “they’re really not that bad because the bread is whole wheat.” Oh, sweet Beverly. I still laugh when I think about that one. Back to the granola bar: it was thick like a coffee cake with bits of real oatmeal and a layer of delicious apricots. That's where the wholesome goodness ended. There was so much butter and sugar in this thing that I should have just had the Summer Berry Stack which is what I wanted in the first place. Rules to follow when buying Starbucks’ delicious yummies: “lower fat” does not mean low fat, it just means that it has less fat than a Big Mac, and you will never find anything substantial or healthy unless you live in a city big enough that your Starbuckses (?) carry sandwiches and salads, which mine do not. Next time I need something hearty and healthy enough to replace my missed lunch, I will just go to Albertson’s next door and buy something. That would require walking though. C-

Starbucks Green Tea Crème Frappucino – First, I need to make it very clear that I did not pay money for this. I was innocently waiting for my drink and saw that there were free samples in miniature cups sitting on the counter. Based on the pictures I’d already seen, this thing looked so nasty. My mom has a thing about blue drinks; maybe I have one about green. The first taste was sort of like an orange creamsicle. Then everything went wrong and it began to taste quite earthy. Who thought it was a good idea to mix grass and vanilla ice cream? Look Starbucks Concept People: if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. Bring back all the cute seasonal merchandise and my Chocolate Brownie Frappucino and let’s call it a day. Okay? F

Rescue Me Season 2 – I had my reservations about watching this last summer because I didn’t know that Denis Leary was a real actor, and because we already watched Third Watch, which filled the FDNY/NYPD quota for the week. This is the best show on TV right now. Denis is an actor, and a good one at that. His character is a complete fuck up, and I still want him to come live with me so I can take care of him and bake him cookies. I could do without his sex faces though. FX pushes the envelope like no other station. On last week’s episode, they actually said the word “twat” in addition to several other words I’d never heard on prime time television. I would also like to thank FX for filling the void in my life until the next season of Nip/Tuck. A+

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper – Uh, it tastes exactly like regular Diet Dr. Pepper, only it is red in color. What the fuck? C- for leading me on. Tease.