Thursday, July 07, 2005

Stop It Already

So Jerry Hall is the latest person to perplex me. I have been so strong, and not watched her reality show once this summer! I don’t care about her looks or love life or whatever. It’s her goddamned accent. She needs to pick either Southern or British—preferably Southern since she is in no way British—and stop fading in and out and overlapping them. Shit. She is right up there with Madonna and Kathleen Turner. Is it a conscious decision? Because we all know the truth ladies: Texas, Michigan and Missouri, respectfully. Cut that shit out.

My current project is copying all my cds to my computer, selling all my cds, and applying all proceeds to buying an iPod. This is a brilliant plan on so many levels: a) clutter fucks with my my feng shui, b) I am cheap, c) it makes me feel smart that I know how to copy music onto my hard drive. Who knows, sending pictures by email might be next.

In other boring news, the doctor thinks the inner ear infection is now an allergy. I'm on antihistamines and ear drops that kill "bacteria and fungus" - ugh. This theory explains the post nasal drip, the chest congestion, and the feeling that my head is going to explode via my cheekbones. Since I am highly qualified I prefer to diagnose myself, preferably with the worst possible ailment. I disagreed with her decision and thought about it for the rest of the day.

Me: But I don't have allergies anymore.
Kitty #1: Sure you don't.
Me: I had my colon cleansed. I didn't go through that for nothing.
Kitty #2: Can you brush my nappy coat for me? Oh, and there's a hairball on the couch for you.
Kitty #1: Mom, can you pick up some more Head and Shoulders because this dandruff on my back is really interfering with my social life.
Me: Son of a bitch.
Joe: Unable to comment because he ran out the back door and broke into cartwheels at the thought of getting rid of his beloved Barf and Bagpipes.
Me (yelling out the back door): They're staying Jerky!

In the meantime, my mucus membranes are presently looking for a good home and will be at the local Petsmart adoption fair this Saturday between 8:00 am and 4:00 pm.



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