Friday, June 17, 2005

I Got Your Tossed Salad Right Here

I am a terrible blogger. I am blaming everything on my inner ear infection. My ears have hurt for two months now. First I was diagnosed with "swimmer's ear" and told to stop using Qtips. Eew. That is as implausible for me as not using deodorant. I was very disciplined for weeks, albeit less than well groomed, and my ears continued to get worse. During my flight to and from NY last week I was in such agony that I was fantasizing about a plane crash to put me out of my misery. Tired of running into walls and afraid that Joe would make good on his threat to commit me to rehab for addiction to prescription pain killers, I made an appointment with a new doctor. She diagnosed me with an INNER EAR INFECTION, which I had diagnosed myself with two months ago. I am feeling much better despite the fact that these antibiotics make me feel like I have lost IQ points.

It took me two solid weeks to make it through the recording of "Rob and Amber Get Married." That doesn't bode well for CBS if a reality show junkie has to portion out a show as to prevent projectile vomiting. I didn't realize my standards were quite this low. I may as well start watching that new Jerry Hall show. These two assholes are millionaires, got a house as a wedding present, got a Colin Cowie wedding for free, then had the gall to cry about how stressful it all is.

Best Buy is teetering on the edge of my shit list, whose other members presently include Orbitz, Independence Air, Saturn, Wal Mart, and Rob and Amber, Inc. A couple of weeks ago my laptop was seriously ill. Everything was dark and I couldn't play Alchemy at all. We rushed it to the Best Buy hospital and were directed to the emergency room which is run by the Geek Squad. I shit you not. They are even dressed like the geeks in their ad campaign. It would have been funny if I had not been so upset at the time. We met our geek, and things quickly went downhill:

Joe: I think it's the monitor bulb.
Geek: Hmm (turning the computer over) I think it's the monitor bulb.
Me: I think it's an inner ear infection!
Geek: I will have to ship it to Sony since it is under warranty.
Me: How long will that take?
Geek: 2-3 weeks.
Me: Ok. Can I have a loaner during that time?
Geek: We don't do that.
Me and Joe: WHAT?
Geek: Or you can take it to an authorized Sony repair shop.
Joe: Do you know of any?
Geek: No.
Joe: Can you rush it?
Geek: Yeah, I can escalate it. (I don't think that is the proper use of that word, but whatever).
Me: Ok. You can ship it off, but first can you hook it up to a monitor and copy my documents onto my jump drive?
Geek: We charge $59.99 for that service.
Me and Joe: WHAT?

I was so mad by this point that I was shaking and using all my relaxation techniques. Bear in mind that this is my work computer also. We stomped out of the store, but not before Joe bought a new digital camera. I have decided that Best Buy is to Joe what Target is to me - crack.

The computer arrived via Fed Ex after one week. Boy, that escalation works every time. I credit the wonderful people at Sony with this, as Best Buy would have wanted to charge me $89.99 for the additional service.

I was just watching Everyday Italian on the Food Network and the host said that
she was going to toss her salad. I giggle like Beavis every time I hear that out of sickening context. I think it is the only time I act like I'm 12. That, and when I don't get my way at Best Buy.

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