Anyone But Jeffrey

Picture stolen from People.

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Me: Is this Prison Break?

When can we watch Prison Break?

Will you please record Prison Break?

I want to watch Prison Break.

I really think we should start watching Prison Break.

Joe: What is your new fascination with Prison Break?

Me (lying): Oh, nothing...

Mamas, Don't Let Your Daughters Grow Up To Watch Project Runway

I was infuriated by last week's episode. Not only because
someone undeserving got the boot, but because this pretty
young thing was called "zaftig." I hate that word. She was also
said to be bigger than the other models and was even accused of not having a waist. This outfit was unflattering, being made out of trash and all, but I disagree that she looked like a plus sized model like Heidi Klum said.

If this is what zaftig looks like, sign me up.

Why I Love Rescue Me

I understand that I'm the only person I know who watches this show, but I feel it's my civic duty to tell others how funny it is. The writing is superb. For example, this little gem was said to this guy by his new girlfriend last night:


"You know, for a man who looks like a garden gnome you've got a lot of demands."


Laugh out loud funny, no? Hello? Anyone?

An Ode To Star Jones, Sung To Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River"

*Alternate titles include "I have too much time on my hands," and "I will probably delete this post tomorrow."*


You were obnoxious
You were a bitch
But you didn't know all the ways we loathed you, no
So you took a chance
ABC made other plans
But I bet you didn't think your gig would come crashing down, no

You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out from The View
Now there's just no chance, for you and Rosie, there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it?

You told us you did pilates
Why did you lie about losing weight?
Now you tell us your doctors helped you
Was gastric bypass your fate?

Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With one of your fans
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river
Cry me a river-er
Cry me a river
Cry me a river-er, yea yea

I know that they say
That some things are better left unsaid
Is that what they mean when they say your husband's gay?
(Don't act like you don't know it)
All of these things The Insider told us
Keep messing with my head
You should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it
(Yea..)

You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out on The View
Now there's just no chance, for you and Barbara, there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it?

You told us your contract wasn't renewed
Did you lie for the pity?
Yesterday you tell us you were fired
When you were supposed to wait until July

Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With one of your fans
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river
Cry me a river-er
Cry me a river
Cry me a river-er, yea yea

Oh
The damage is done
So I guess you'll be leaving
Oh
The damage is done
No more on-air product plugs
Oh
The damage is done
See you never
Oh
The damage is done
So I guess you'll be... leaving

Britney, Britney, Britney

This is the expression I've been wearing since watching your Dateline interview last night. I don't know what I found most disturbing. Was it your boobs hanging out of your shirt? Or the mention that you're worth $100 million, then showing your chewed off fingernails with chipped polish? Was it your weird body language and facial expressions when saying how strong your marriage is? Or how about saying that you didn't know your husband's girlfriend was pregnant when you got together? Perhaps it was answering that you didn't know how pregnant you were? "I don't know. Six or seven months." I've personally never met a woman who didn't know exactly how pregnant she was down to the week, but that's just me.

Oh, I know what it was. It was the fact that you requested to do the interview, then showcased your ignorance even further. You gave the general public even more reason to make fun of you. Maybe you did sit on your dad's lap while he was driving when you were young, but I'll bet you weren't an infant, and we all know much better now. For future reference, saying "we're country" is not a valid excuse for any mistake you make.

I did have moments when your pain touched my cold, dead heart. I am sorry that your life has been ruined by the tabloids. But I'm begging you to stop making it so easy for them, and to stop giving them so much material to work with.

Dizouble Dizutch

Did you know that Willie Aames is only 5’5”? I love Celebrity Fit Club because of all the craziness. They fight more than the Surreal Life people. Willie refused to exercise, so they staged a 7:00 a.m. workout intervention. He was so pissed that he punched his front door, gritted his teeth, and said “You’ve got me so infleshed right now!” I know I wasn’t a child star or anything, but what the hell does that mean?

Sandra Lee bugs me. But like Rachael Ray, for some reason I can’t stop taping and watching her show. Maybe I enjoy the feeling of contempt. Today she was making an authentic Indian Dinner, if you can call anything she makes authentic. She goes nuts with the themes each week, right down to the window treatment and her outfit. I guess she couldn’t find a Sari or anything this time because she was wearing a t-shirt with a June Cleaver silkscreen. Go figure.

Saturday night we attempted to eat dinner at the new P.F. Chang’s. We got there at 6:30 p.m. and were told that there would be a 3 hour wait. Hahaha. That’s hilarious. We already knew that the Cheesecake Factory across the street would be a 3 hour wait as well, so we didn’t bother. We walked down to Maggiano’s, and their wait was a mere 2 ½ hours. Apparently we have no original thought. Both of these restaurants had revolving doors. I always thought people with fears of escalators and elevators were weird, because really, what’s the big deal? I am scared shitless of these doors. I can handle it if I am the only one in the door, and I can propel it myself. If it’s already spinning, forget about it. I get all nervous and feel like I am playing double dutch, and if I don’t jump in at exactly the right moment I will lose an appendage. We ended up walking down to Target and eating hot dogs and popcorn for dinner. Not really, that would have been too original for us.

Another Reason I Don't Like Summer

As I sit here and watch the finale of The Real Gilligan’s Island, I am painfully reminded of how much summertime tv sucks. I remember the train wrecks that were Paradise Hotel, The Simple Life, and The Restaurant and how I actually looked forward to them every week out of absolute necessity. I am so glad that Gilligan’s Island is over because a) it was a stupid Survivor knockoff with no originality, and b) if Skipper Charlie said “It’s on like a chicken bone” one more time; I was going to rip off my skull and hurl it at the television set. I live in Redneckville, USA and I have never before heard that expression.

This summer the only things saving my sanity are Netflix, 30 Days (Morgan Spurlock is oddly compelling and totally sexy), and new episodes of Rescue Me. I was really excited about the new season of Bridezillas, but they have made it less of a documentary and more of a parody, replete with theme song and everything. I tried very hard to watch Being Bobby Brown, but was horrified and disgusted. They are complete morons. Case in point: they went to the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas at the height of tourist season, with a camera crew, and then acted all put out when people stared and wanted their autographs. The strangest part is that Bobby and Whitney are absolute batshit crazy soul mates. They act like teenagers, and neither is worse than the other. It is perfectly normal to break into a slow dance in a crowded hallway or to dance and make up a song while buying sunglasses. I’ll probably keep watching, just for these moments, and to help me feel better about my own life.

I Don't Even Know His Name

The best part of my day was when Christine called Jennifer Willbanks' fiance a "douche bag." In the 20 years that we have been best friends, she has never used that phrase. I'm watching Mr. and Mrs. Douchebag's interview with Katie Couric now. What I find unjust is that she is being rewarded for her bad behavior with a $500,000 movie/book deal. Give me a fucking break.

I Got Your Tossed Salad Right Here

I am a terrible blogger. I am blaming everything on my inner ear infection. My ears have hurt for two months now. First I was diagnosed with "swimmer's ear" and told to stop using Qtips. Eew. That is as implausible for me as not using deodorant. I was very disciplined for weeks, albeit less than well groomed, and my ears continued to get worse. During my flight to and from NY last week I was in such agony that I was fantasizing about a plane crash to put me out of my misery. Tired of running into walls and afraid that Joe would make good on his threat to commit me to rehab for addiction to prescription pain killers, I made an appointment with a new doctor. She diagnosed me with an INNER EAR INFECTION, which I had diagnosed myself with two months ago. I am feeling much better despite the fact that these antibiotics make me feel like I have lost IQ points.

It took me two solid weeks to make it through the recording of "Rob and Amber Get Married." That doesn't bode well for CBS if a reality show junkie has to portion out a show as to prevent projectile vomiting. I didn't realize my standards were quite this low. I may as well start watching that new Jerry Hall show. These two assholes are millionaires, got a house as a wedding present, got a Colin Cowie wedding for free, then had the gall to cry about how stressful it all is.

Best Buy is teetering on the edge of my shit list, whose other members presently include Orbitz, Independence Air, Saturn, Wal Mart, and Rob and Amber, Inc. A couple of weeks ago my laptop was seriously ill. Everything was dark and I couldn't play Alchemy at all. We rushed it to the Best Buy hospital and were directed to the emergency room which is run by the Geek Squad. I shit you not. They are even dressed like the geeks in their ad campaign. It would have been funny if I had not been so upset at the time. We met our geek, and things quickly went downhill:

Joe: I think it's the monitor bulb.
Geek: Hmm (turning the computer over) I think it's the monitor bulb.
Me: I think it's an inner ear infection!
Geek: I will have to ship it to Sony since it is under warranty.
Me: How long will that take?
Geek: 2-3 weeks.
Me: Ok. Can I have a loaner during that time?
Geek: We don't do that.
Me and Joe: WHAT?
Geek: Or you can take it to an authorized Sony repair shop.
Joe: Do you know of any?
Geek: No.
Joe: Can you rush it?
Geek: Yeah, I can escalate it. (I don't think that is the proper use of that word, but whatever).
Me: Ok. You can ship it off, but first can you hook it up to a monitor and copy my documents onto my jump drive?
Geek: We charge $59.99 for that service.
Me and Joe: WHAT?

I was so mad by this point that I was shaking and using all my relaxation techniques. Bear in mind that this is my work computer also. We stomped out of the store, but not before Joe bought a new digital camera. I have decided that Best Buy is to Joe what Target is to me - crack.

The computer arrived via Fed Ex after one week. Boy, that escalation works every time. I credit the wonderful people at Sony with this, as Best Buy would have wanted to charge me $89.99 for the additional service.

I was just watching Everyday Italian on the Food Network and the host said that
she was going to toss her salad. I giggle like Beavis every time I hear that out of sickening context. I think it is the only time I act like I'm 12. That, and when I don't get my way at Best Buy.

I'm Passing All This Typing Off as Work

I am so scared by Mary Kay Letournea. She lives in a fantasy world. What does a 22-year-old boy have to offer a woman her age with six children? He must have a huge penis because I think he’s lacking in the brains and personality departments. She acts like she’s a teenager, dressing in her Kangal hat and track pants, and she is actually HAVING A WHITE WEDDING which I have no doubt that Entertainment Tonight is footing the bill for. How else would two unemployed people pay for the event of the year?

Speaking of unemployed people, we were watching The Amazing Race last night and at the end they had a clip of Rob saying “I cannot lose this race.” I turned to Joe and said “Yeah, because then me and Ambah would have to get real jobs, yo.” I know they are going to win and I know that they will get one million dollars from CBS to broadcast their wedding, and they will end up being the next Trista and Ryan and never really have to work again. Nice life.

Recently, my sister woke up with a migraine. She went to work and pushed through the pain all day. She didn’t eat, only drank water and popped Excedrin. After work she went to a focus group meeting because getting paid $50.00 for doing no work is an evening well spent according to our family. Unfortunately for her, they weren’t testing toilet bowl cleaner or scotch tape as they had in the past. They were testing calcium chews that night. Yes, ooey gooey calcium chews in assorted flavors like caramel and chocolate. On the drive home after the meeting, she began to feel a bit "off." She was on the expressway and had no time or place to pull over before she threw up all over herself and her husband’s brand new car. She continued to barf with tears running down her face until she could pull into a gas station. She pulled herself together, waited until she felt a little better and then continued home. Only to throw up on herself again. And again. She then had to walk into her house covered in her own filth and explain to her husband that she had just puked in the only new car he has ever owned.

Somehow I managed to spend $300.00 at Wal Mart yesterday – the most evil place on earth. I have a strong moral dilemma each time I need to make a major purchase like eye glasses or aluminum foil. Should I continue my long standing boycott of the evil empire who puts small companies out of business, bullies others, and who thinks “No need to give good customer service to all the sheep because with these low prices we know they’ll be back tomorrow?” Or should I be drawn into their lair of price cuts and savings? Well, the latter won yesterday. Each time I go, I say "never again will I contribute to the wealth of those ungrateful redneck descendants of Sam Walton."

I just wish I hadn’t noticed that they get the new People magazine on Thursday, rather than Friday like everywhere else.

JC Chasez is an Idiot

I take issue with all these assholes with recording contracts who can’t sing (ex. Yellowcard, Blink 182, Good Charlotte). I have argued at length with my husband about the merits of male singers since he listens exclusively to females, believing they are the only ones with any real talent. It is getting harder and harder to defend my argument, especially when I hear songs like the latest from JC. Ponder if you will the deep meaning of these poetic lyrics:

All day long I dream about sex
And all night long I think about sex
And all the time I think about sex
With you, with you

Ok, we get it. You’re not a homosexual like we all thought. I admit that I may have attended a (free) NSYNC concert back in the day, and maybe paid real money for Justin Timberlake’s album and perhaps even doodled “Mrs. Cory Timberlake” in my Trapper Keeper, but I’m drawing the line on this one.

**Note to all the morons who humiliate themselves each week on Supernanny/Nanny 911: If you already have 2-3 bad ass kids, why continue to have a fourth and a fifth? Don’t you people know what causes that yet?

Adrienne Curry is Not the Only Reality TV Whore Up in This Bitch

What the hell happened to The Bachelor? I have only watched intermittently being more of a Bachelorette fan personally, and I admit that my interest is waning, but this show is now a joke. These sluts are fighting over this guy? He is the least sincere, most goofy unemployed ass clown – obviously riding the coat tails of his marginally less goofy brother who just happened to fall ass-backwards into a movie career and a relationship with Uncle Jesse’s ex. (Strike what I said about “marginally less goofy.” I forgot that I saw Kangaroo Jack.) And what is with the rose ceremonies? At first I thought that Charlie was just too cool to wear a suit or at the very least a collared shirt, now I see that everyone is wearing jeans. It’s disrespectful to everything The Bachelor used to stand for. The best part of the show last night was after the rose ceremony when they interviewed the embittered castoffs, and one said “Krissily is white trash. And I’m not. And he’ll find that out later on.” Me-ow. These cat fights are the only thing that keeps me watching.

My coworker just showed me a clip of Triumph the Dog at a Star Wars convention. My stomach still hurts from laughing. Where have I been that I haven’t even heard about him? I used to love Conan O’Brien and was a faithful watcher until it became very necessary to get a real job and to get up at a decent hour for said real job.

Last night I cooked Chinese lemon chicken for dinner. My husband has the palate of a picky 4 year old; therefore I make the same basic dishes over and over, make sure that the foods don’t touch on the plate, cut the crusts off, and keep plenty of ketchup in reserve. He actually said “Mmmm!” Oh my God, I don’t even get an “Mmmm” for steak. I said “really?” and in his best Joey Tribianni impression he said “chicken – good, rice – good, lemonade (or sauce, whatever) – good.” Huh.

I am selling my first batch of crap on Ebay, and I have found a healthy, all natural replacement for the drugs I used to take in college. I get high each time I see that people are fighting over my garbage that I was just going to sell at a yard sale for a quarter anyway. Not really, some of the things are new gifts (shhh) that are actually useful or desirable to someone else. That is why I will never reveal my Ebay username; because I might be selling the offensive perfume you thought I’d love.