For All My Fellow Children of the 80s

I saw these in the grocery store today:


I don't know if they'll be as good as the original--and I don't really care--but just knowing they exist makes me happy. I didn't buy any. Damn you, class reunion.

The Rules

Last night I was watching a DVD of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episodes. This is one of my favorite shows, and it’s a little scary how much I relate to Larry David’s character, Larry David.

In one episode taking place on Halloween, he refused to pass out candy to two teenage girls who weren’t dressed up. He’s a man of principle after all, which I appreciate. The next morning his yard was covered in toilet paper and he and his wife got into a huge fight over it. He was trying to explain that he didn’t feel like he had to give them candy, and she was like “you had the bowl of candy in your hands, why not just give them some?” His wife then said something to the effect of “you have a lot of rules Larry. Not everyone knows about your rules.”

I have a lot of rules. Not only for myself, but for the general population. I’ve broken some of these rules, but only by accident or because I had no choice. Christine has rules too, and these are the topic of many conversations. These are based on etiquette, experience, and just plain good sense. Sometimes when we point out how wrong something is, someone will say “that’s not true, that’s only according to the rules of Christine and Cory.”

Well then. Let’s go over a few rules. WARNING – this may be as offensive to some as my Bluetooth asshole post. Just because you break one of these rules doesn’t mean I’ll stop liking you, just that I may tsk tsk and then immediately call Christine. It may make you stop liking me though.

1. It’s not okay to have a baby shower for your fifth child.
2. When it comes to wedding and shower gifts, thank you notes are not optional.
3. There will come a day when a woman really should stop wearing a string bikini and shopping in the junior’s department.
4. No white shoes after Labor Day.
5. A bra is an absolute must if you’re going out in public. The only exception to this is if you don’t really need a bra, and you wear layers or dark colors so it’s not obvious.

There are many, many more, but I have to reign myself in sometimes. Please tell me some of your own rules.

Perhaps I Did Inherit My Mother's Short Arms

Because this is what happens when I try to take a self portrait.

Three is the Magic Number

Last night we went to the wedding of a friend's daughter. It was beautiful and lots of fun, though I admit I was dreading the outdoor ceremony when I saw that the temperature reached 95 degrees with approximately 200% humidity yesterday. It was held at an historic hotel on the ocean, so fortunately there was a lovely breeze. There was also an ice cream truck and bar patrons nearby which made the vows impossible to hear. If it had been my wedding, my head would have exploded, but I have control issues, yo.

My friend's daughter is kind and gracious and radiates some sort of Glenda the Good Witch vibe. Her father is somewhat of a difficult character, but then my only point of reference is what my friend, his ex-wife has said about him. If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought that his first name really was "Johnthatsonofabitch." I got teary during the father/daughter dance because instead of "Because You Loved Me" or "Wind Beneath My Wings," the bride chose "Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own" by U2. This song was written by Bono about his relationship with his own father, and reading the lyrics makes me teary all over again. Glenda the Good Bride sang the song to her father as they were dancing, and oh my God here come the tears again.

This wraps up a three month season filled with 3 bridal showers, 3 baby showers, 3 weddings, and one funeral. I'm taking the summer off, but I'll make an exception to attend a special friend's hullabaloo later this year. That's all I can say right now.

Why I Feel Old Part II

MySpace is a very dark place. It’s opened my eyes to a world I never wanted to see. If you’re not familiar with it, you can search names, schools, zip codes, etc. to look for people you know. I’ve done all of the above and I’ve discovered a portal into hell, or at least into John Malkovich's head.

I’ve learned that a friend’s ex-boyfriend is quite possibly illiterate, and I’ve seen pictures of him in his underwear that I was never meant to see. I’ve learned that kids I babysat for get knee-walking drunk every weekend. That’s no big deal since I did the same thing at their age, but I didn’t post pictures of myself on the internet so someone could show them to my parents. I’ve learned that some people in my hometown are racist (not a huge surprise). It’s pretty obvious when their URLs contain the words “I hate N******.” Equally disturbing to the liberal usage of the N word was Christine’s discovery of a profile belonging to a little boy who we babysat years ago. The sweetest, cutest, most innocent boy who once told his mom he "fweated" (sweated) rather than peed his bed, is now 18 and his interests include “gettin laid and smokin Chronic.” I didn’t need to know that. In my mind he’s remained 3 years old, just like the last time I saw him. Do you think it would hurt his action with the ladies if I left him a message saying Stay gold Ponyboy, stay gold?.

Why I Feel Old Part I in a Continuing Series

I’ve been absent mindedly singing a song in my head for the past week or so. It wasn’t until I watched Saturday Night Live this weekend that I learned it was sung by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland. I don’t know who Timbaland is, but his name is fun to say. (I know you just said it out loud.) The song’s title is “Promiscuous” and it’s from the album titled “Loose.” Hmmm. Let’s think about this for a minute. What message are we sending to our kids when they are hopefully learning how to be safe, yet are bombarded by images of free love and casual sex in every movie, advertisement, and in this case song? It makes me furious. I’ve picked out a few lines to share with you.

N: You expect me to let you just let you hit it?
But will you still respect me if you get it? {That would be a big, resounding NO that you hear Nelly.}

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

T: Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need {I know that men look for promiscuous women, but have they ever really sung about it?}

N: What kind of girl do you take me for? {This is just a guess, but a promiscuous one?}

T: It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you don't like {Yeah, it’s called the clap.}

You can click on the link to hear the song. I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make me want to dance every time I hear it despite the lyrics.

Public Service Announcement

If you ever find yourself in the Taco Bell drive through and you order the pintos and cheese, make sure you check your bag for a spork. Otherwise you'll later find yourself fashioning a scooping tool out of the plastic lid, just like cavemen would have. And the beans won't taste nearly as good.

Only On The Clean Laundry

Only ever on the clean laundry.

In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

My sister: Do you ever have those days where you can't talk, like the words just won't come out right?

Me: Uh, yeah. Just today I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't tell them why I was there. I was like "contacts here I am for."

My sister: Ok, Yoda.

To The Jerk In The Green Suzuki:

Hi. The next time you're behind me when the light turns green and the guy in the truck in front of us is asleep at the wheel, I'd appreciate it very much if you wouldn't lay on your horn. You see, it looked like I was the one laying on the horn, therefore I'm the one who got the bird. Just something to keep in mind.

Thanks in advance.

Reliving This Makes Me Itchy

Last night I attempted to make quesadillas, which is standard fare around here. I pulled out the sandwich press/waffle iron/panini maker thing we got as a gift. It has interchangeable plates that are removed to clean. Or not clean in this case. It turns out that melted cheese does not come off in the dishwasher, and it turns out that roaches enjoy dining on the cheese when the plates aren't checked for cleanliness when they're put away. I noticed the two roaches the size of my hand clinging to the plates while I was walking through the kitchen. I screamed so loudly that my throat still hurts and I threw the plates into the sink from a distance of five feet away.

I know this is Florida which is a popular excuse, but I don't have roaches. I don't have them because I won't accept them. The house simply isn't big enough to live with the knowledge that they're running around free in the next room.

I thought this coming weekend would be free. I now suspect that a large part of it will be spent spraying for roaches, taking everything I own out of the kitchen cabinets and rewashing it, and taking long baths in Clorox.

Big Bunch of Nothing

I'm back from vacation and I don't have much to report, unless you want to hear endless stories about how cute my nephew is.

I would eat him if it were legal. Ok, just one more.

We went to the aquarium in Atlanta. It was really cool, but this guy freaked me out:

Because he reminded me too much of him:

Oh, and my Dad was interviewed for CNN while we were eating lunch. I doubt he made the cut because some idiot walked behind him and waved at the camera.

*******

Christine sent me this picture of a natural sourpuss. Can you believe that she found it in the carton she bought? It's a shame that it went bad before she could say that it looked like a famous person and sold it on eBay for thousands of dollars.

*******

Why has no one that I know watched Top Chef? I really need to talk to someone about how boring Katie Lee Joel is, how I want to throttle Tiffani, and about my inappropriate crush on Tom Collichio.

*******

In typical Monday fashion, I put on my favorite bra today which happens to be black. It wasn't until lunch time that I realized it glaringly showed through my shirt. I always love the first day back from any vacation.

Hell Yeah

It's my goal to eventually fill this blog with nothing but these things. Feel free to take it, you know you want to.

1. How did you get the idea for your profile name? I can't believe I've never told this story. Once I was checking into a hotel by myself for work and as I was walking through the parking lot a car stopped right in front of me, blocking my way. I tried to walk around the back of the car to pass, but the guy shook his head and backed the car up. I realize that he was trying to be nice by letting me pass in front, but I'm sure I gave him a dirty look because it annoyed me. Later as I was waiting for the elevator, he walked by with his wife and since I didn't stop him and say "oh, thank you so much for letting me pass in front of you!" he made a comment to her about me being a "sourpuss." Loud enough for me to hear of course. I've tried to live up to that name ever since.
2. What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? Nothing, but Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" plays in heavy rotation in my head.
3. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? I think I may have cried when Kurt Cobain died. Maybe JFK Jr. too. Not because I adored them, but more like realizing how fragile life is and that young people actually die.
4. What color underwear are you wearing? Black.
5. Do you want a baby? Absolutely. But not today.
6. What does your dad do for a living? I don't know his title, but he works for a utility company and is in charge of inventory and safety.
7. What does your mom do for a living? Secretary for a law firm.
8. What are your pets' name(s)? Barbie and Skipper. I realize I have a problem.
9. What color are your bed sheets? White this week.
10. What are the last 3 digits of your phone number? 074
11. What was the last concert you went to? I truly can't remember. I don't like concerts whatsover.
12. Who was with you? Again, I can't remember.
13. What was the last film you watched? Unfortunately it was The Pink Panther with Steve Martin.
14. Who do you dislike most at this moment? Someone I work with.
15. What food do you crave right now? None, which is odd.
16. Did you dream last night? Yes.
17. What was the last TV show you watched? Saturday Night Live rerun.
18. What is your favorite piece of jewelery? Engagement ring.
19. What is to the left of you? Kitties.
20. What was the last thing you ate? A slice of American cheese.
21. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? This guy named Joe.
22. Who last MSN'd you? What's that?
23. Where is your significant other right now? At work.
24. Do you have a crush? Yes.
25. What is his/her name? Patrick Dempsey.
26. When was the last time you had your hair cut? March and it looks rough.
27. Are you on any meds? Yes.
28. Do you have a mental disease? Doesn't everyone?
29. What shirt are you wearing? A blue t-shirt.
30. Are you sexy? I'm dead sexy and you're crap.
31. What's your favorite store? Target, Dillards, Barnes and Noble.
32. Are you thirsty? Yes.
33. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? I am married.
34. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss? My family.
35. Where do you work? For an agency who serves adults with developmental disabilities.

I 've Been Extra Clumsy Lately

I don't know why. Carelessness? Tiredness? Laziness? Yes, probably all of those. Anyway, last week while I was plugging in my lap top, I set it on the very broad arm of the couch and it slid off. Upside down onto the tile floor. I had one of those Tom Hanks moments in The Money Pit after the bathtub fell through the floor. After the hysterical laughter came the hysterical tears because there is no way that my warranty covers "dropping by dumb ass owner who doesn't deserve to have anything nice because she won't take care of it." Thankfully nothing major was broken, except for the battery cover. I'm trying to think up a good story for the people at Sony right now. Any ideas?

This morning I was taking a jug of bleach down from a shelf, and pulled down a huge thing of liquid laundry detergent in the process. You know, the big industrial sized one with the spigot and the hole at the top to facilitate the flow. Like this, okay? If you don't know, I can't explain it without a diagram.
Detergent from one end of the kitchen to the other. Just how in the hell do you clean up large quantities of liquid soap? Not with water, or a mop, or even a Swiffer Sweeper. I have no clue, so I just wiped it up with an entire roll of paper towels and only slipped and fell twice. I'll deal with it later, but in the meantime I've had to get up three times while writing this to wash the stickiness from my hands. Keep me away from all babies and antique china until further notice.

This Is So Last Month

There's a new thingy going around where you list 6 weird/unusual things about yourself, then tag other people. This is just to supplement all the weird and unusual things I reveal about myself in my regular posts. Let me know if you played too.

1. I don’t know the difference between effect and affect. It was only last year that I learned the difference between ensure and insure.
2. I pronounce forte “fortay” instead of “fort” even though I know it’s wrong, and sherbet “sherbert” even though I know there’s no R in it. I conform to the incorrect to avoid someone looking at me strangely.
3. I often read books/magazines in stopped traffic and at red lights. I KNOW! That is so dangerous, but my ADD does not allow for down time, and the stereo doesn’t provide me with enough stimulation.
4. Material wealth embarrasses me. I am the opposite of someone who likes to brag. If someone compliments my cell phone for instance, I have to say something negative about it like “Yeah, I like it but it only holds a charge for a couple of hours. It’s such a pain,” then roll my eyes and sigh.
5. I could not properly fold a fitted sheet if my life depended on it.
6. I have no clutter in my house except for one small closet which belongs to Joe. I hate clutter, there’s nothing under any of the beds, and I have frequent yard sales. Many times in my life I’ve needed something and had to buy it new, when it was something I used to own, but got rid of in a purging fit. A lot of the songs on my iPod were purchased and downloaded, even though I used to own the CD but sold it at some point.

Celebrity Loser of the Week:

Dean McDermott. You may know him as the man who left his wife for Tori Spelling, and you may not know him as an actor, but I've heard that he stars in Lifetime movies.

What is it about him Tori? The bedhead he worked on for two hours? The lazy eye?

What makes him the celebrity loser of the week:

I saw these two on the red carpet (I honestly have nothing against her), and someone asked him a question about the borrowed jewelry he was wearing. It was some kind of ring, and he said something to the effect of "it's supposed to match her...uh...(holds the ring up to Tori) nipple." How tacky and embarrassing.

Oh, and there are the three tattoos he's gotten to prove his love for her. First he got this one:

But that wasn't enough, so he got this one:



That lazy eye is growing on me. This tattoo wasn't enough to prove his love either, so he got one more which is a ginormous cross on his forearm with her name in it. No pictures can be found, but I saw it in People magazine, so it has to be true.

Dean, get a life man. It's really hard for Tori to justify leaving her husband for you when you keep acting like an asshole. Your entire body could be covered in tattoos in her honor and it still wouldn't secure you a place in Aaron Spelling's will.