Thursday, September 28, 2006

Found on the Copier This Morning

And I didn't think anyone I worked with had a sense of humor.


Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Me: Is this Prison Break?

When can we watch Prison Break?

Will you please record Prison Break?

I want to watch Prison Break.

I really think we should start watching Prison Break.

Joe: What is your new fascination with Prison Break?

Me (lying): Oh, nothing...


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Best Houseguests Ever

I can't say one bad thing about my in-laws. I love them. If that makes you hate me, then you should also know that I'm almost finished with my Christmas shopping too. Boo-ya!

Last week I came home everyday to freshly baked bread, cakes, and pies. My lawn was mowed, hedges trimmed, and walls had been painted. I wasn't asked once if I was pregnant yet. If having to lock all of my pay stubs, ratty underwear, and personal items in the trunk of my car was the price, I'd pay it again and again.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Filler Until I Can Stop Cleaning and Hiding Personal Items

I really don't like email forwards. Those who know me well only send good stuff. Those who don't fill up my inbox with recycled photos and chain letters which make my blood pressure rise. What I'm saying is don't forward me crap, but if you do make sure it's funny. Like this:

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views.

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

5. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is

9.Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at

I checked all of these and they're legit. (I'm too lazy to link, plus I have to go clean out my underwear drawer now.)

By Next Tuesday

Things I Have To Do Before Having Company Next Week:

1. Clean guest room and closet.
2. Repaint a wall in said guest room.
3. Plan meals, make shopping list, and grocery shop.
4. Dust baseboards.
5. Febreze living room furniture.
6. Clean litter box.
7. Clean air conditioning vents.
8. Get carpet professionally steam cleaned.
9. Plant autumn flowers.

Additional Things I Have To Do Before Having Company Since They'll Be At My House While I'm At Work:

1. Paint master bedroom and bath.
2. Line kitchen cabinets with shelf paper.
3. Scrub inside of kitchen trash can.
4. Make sure none of my clean underwear is in the dryer just begging to be folded.
5. Clear a walking path through garage.
6. Organize junk drawers.
7. Make sure all gifts ever received are prominently displayed about house.
8. Clean the bowels of the refrigerator.
9. Hide all marital aids (kidding, Mom!)

Things That Will Probably Happen Before Next Tuesday:

1. I will spend large amounts of time sitting on my arse.
2. All marital aids will be hidden.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Mr. JT - Whatcha Got For Me?

This morning I rose early to download Justin Timberlake's new album, which was released today. My plan was to burn a CD so that I could show it off to all the 12-year-old girls on my street. They would be like so jealous, you know. Unfortunately my iTunes account wouldn't work and I pitched a complete fit. I had to go to Target to buy it after work (totally worth it.) I don't know what bothers me more - that iTunes is a butthole, or that I had to wait an extra 10 hours to get it. Somehow I'm not bothered at all about my taste in music, for I'm in very good company.

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Monday, September 11, 2006

I Still Have The Skeeves

Because I like to believe that I'm more sophisticated than I really am, I chose a fancy-pants restaurant for my birfday dinner.

Because I like to throw away hard-earned money, I ordered the tasting menu (7 courses of pretentious, small portions of food).

Because I like to please others, I consumed FOIE GRAS-INFUSED STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM. I put it in my mouth and swallowed it. I really did.

I don't know if it was supposed to cleanse my palate like sorbet, but whatever. I have very specific food rules: no veal, no tuna from companies who kill dolphins, and no liver from a goose who was force fed to death.

Lesson learned. Just because it's expensive, just because your waiter looks and talks exactly like Stephen from Top Chef, and just because the restaurant is critically acclaimed does not mean it's good. Next year will more than likely find me at Applebee's eating baby back ribs.

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Monday, September 04, 2006

This Is Really Sad

I predicted this would happen years ago. I know he died doing what he loved, but he leaves behind a wife and two young kids.

Steve - I will continue to say "crikey" in your memory.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

How I Prepared For My Class Reunion

2 months before: Decide to order a brown dress to be “different” since black is my signature color.

6 weeks before: Receive the dress in the mail. See that it's the ugliest brown ever created, complete with copper threads running through it circa 1982. Look online to see if the dress is still available in black. Of course it isn’t. Swear a lot.

4 weeks before: Bleach teeth, get hair did.

3 weeks before: Threaten best friend with death by dismemberment for bailing on reunion.

1 week before: Resigned, look for ugly brown shoes to match ugly brown dress. Buy some; bring them home to find that they don’t match. Drink a bottle of merlot. Get the bright idea to see if the dress is available in black yet. Of course it is. Begin to sweat as I order it. Am told it will arrive in 5-8 days.

4 days before: Am told the reunion is postponed due to Tropical Storm Ernesto. Sing Hosanna in the Highest.

3 days before: Am told the reunion is back on since Tropical Storm Ernesto has become Thunderstorm Ernesto. Weep into my fists.

2 days before: Go to salon to get nails done. Tell the hairless young Asian girl “I’d like some waxing done too.” She says “Your eyebrows? You probably want your lip done too.” “Yeah, um, thanks” I reply.

24 hours before: Miraculously receive black dress in the mail, and it is beautiful. Sit on the couch and tip m&m’s bag directly into my mouth while thinking “Maybe it will be canceled again.”

Decide it might be wise to make a hotel reservation. Do so. Do last minute tweezing, bleaching, waxing, sanding, scraping, and polishing. Put 3 Biore Pore Perfect strips all about face. Asked by husband if I’m auditioning for Braveheart II.

12 hours before: Awaken with a knot in my stomach.

10 hours before: Book it south to meet my girls for lunch. Witness a horrifying car accident directly in front of me that makes me shake for the rest of the afternoon. (No one was hurt – we stopped)

6 hours before: Eat lunch with my girls and their various infants. Feel pains in my uterus that I will away with hard liquor.

5 hours before: Curse my sorry ass when I begin to develop a migraine from drinking in the middle of the day.

4 hours before: Make futile attempt to nap. Take 2 aspirin.

3 hours before: Shake fist at the sky. Take 2 Excedrin.

1 hour before: Realize that I left pantyhose and slip at home. Curse some. Drive to Walgreens to buy hose.

30 minutes before:
Realize that I have no time to shower. Get dressed, put on mascara for the first time since my wedding.

During: Stand in a room with a bunch people I don’t know anymore (my girls excluded). Drink Jack Daniels, rock out to 90’s tunes. Take more aspirin. Laugh at self and others as we sit around with coffee mugs in hand complaining that it’s past our bedtimes.

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