Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Insult to Injury

The Saturn guy just came and towed my car away. Since the trunk popping device does not presently work, I had to climb over the passenger seat, fold down the backseat, and use my Inspector Gadget arm to get something out of the trunk. While I was contorted in my car, ass end up, I split my fucking work pants! Not just a little, but all the way up the back. I then had to walk back into the house in front of the tow truck guy and try to be cool and act as if my thong wasn't hanging out the back of the 12" hole in my pants.

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Saturn Sucks Dick

If you value your sanity and happiness, never, I repeat never buy a Saturn product. I am sitting at home--while I should be at work--waiting for the roadside assistance service to come figure out why my 2 year old car won't start. Just last week I was at the dealership due to my "check engine" light being on. I never got a clear answer about why it was on, just that they were ordering a part and would call me. Must not be a part very vital to the actual engine to let me drive around for another week. This will be the second time that this vehicle with 22,000 miles has had to be towed to the dealership. I drove a Nissan for 11 years and 130,000 miles and never had to do anything but replace the brakes once. I am as patriotic as the next person and believe in keeping jobs for the citizens of America, but my selfish needs win out here: I WILL NEVER BUY ANOTHER FUCKING AMERICAN MADE CAR FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. The service manager at Saturn and I have become buddies, and while she is lovely, this should never happen. Every time I've had work done they give me a comment card to fill out. Were you satisfied with your service visit? Yes. Were you satisfied with the work done on your vehicle? Yes. Would you recommend Saturn of Regency? No. And then I fill up the whole card with my own comments about how the best customer service in the world does not negate the fact that you sell a shitty product. No wonder they have such great customer service. They have to overcompensate. They're like a man who drives a Corvette to overcompensate for his small penis.

On a lighter note: Tom Cruise is making a complete ass of himself. His publicist needs to jack him up by his shirt collar and say "look dude, you're acting like an asshole." It was excruciating to watch him on Oprah the other day. If I were Katie Holmes I would be completely turned off and slightly terrified that he was going to kill me in my sleep and make a suit from my skin. Ick.

Grrr. This is an odd phenomenon that I have found since I began working: everytime you have a Monday off for a holiday, the Tuesday following is twice as bad as any normal Monday would have been. It's almost not even worth it. Almost.


Thursday, May 19, 2005

Gimme Gimme Gimme Some

Yesterday Joe had to get his wisdom teeth out. Since I and everyone else I know got theirs out at half the age Joe is now, there was plenty of material by which to torture and horrify him. I told him about the pain that is dry sockets, medication that makes you vomit, and irrigating entire meals out of the holes in your jaw bones. Bridget threw in the part about whole broccoli florets getting stuck in there, and Christine remembered that she made the mistake of eating pizza and many days later irrigated out a piece of green pepperoni. She maintains that this was the worst thing that she has ever gone through. This from a woman who has had encephalitis, given birth naturally, and gets her hoo-ha waxed on a regular basis. The best part of yesterday was when we were watching Lost and at the end they flashed on a marooned ship. In Joe's Vicodin induced stupor, he swore it was a village of headhunters. Aborigines, if you will. We argued about that for a few minutes and I even doubted my own sanity until I came to work today and someone validated that it was indeed a ship.


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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Recent Taco Bell Experience

Drive Thru Lady: Can I take your order?
Me: May I please have a Nachos Bell Gr--
Drive Thru Lady: Huh?
Me: A Nachos Bell Grande, no meat, and a medium lemonade.
DTL: Drive around.
DTL: Oh wait, we don’t have lemonade.
Me: How about a Mountain Dew?
DTL: Ok, pull to the window.

I pull up as she is checking her cell phone for messages.

DTL: $3.95

She then throws my change into my bag full of nachos.

DTL: I’m just going to put your change in your bag ok?
Me: Stunned silence.
DTL: Is that all right? (As she’s handing me my bag sans napkins, fork, and sauce.)
Me: Uh, well--
DTL: Huh?
Me: Sound of tires screeching out of the parking lot and a lot of swearing under my breath about no good customer service/stupid kids/no work ethic.

I am obviously aging.


Thursday, May 05, 2005

I'm Passing All This Typing Off as Work

I am so scared by Mary Kay Letournea. She lives in a fantasy world. What does a 22-year-old boy have to offer a woman her age with six children? He must have a huge penis because I think he’s lacking in the brains and personality departments. She acts like she’s a teenager, dressing in her Kangal hat and track pants, and she is actually HAVING A WHITE WEDDING which I have no doubt that Entertainment Tonight is footing the bill for. How else would two unemployed people pay for the event of the year?

Speaking of unemployed people, we were watching The Amazing Race last night and at the end they had a clip of Rob saying “I cannot lose this race.” I turned to Joe and said “Yeah, because then me and Ambah would have to get real jobs, yo.” I know they are going to win and I know that they will get one million dollars from CBS to broadcast their wedding, and they will end up being the next Trista and Ryan and never really have to work again. Nice life.

Recently, my sister woke up with a migraine. She went to work and pushed through the pain all day. She didn’t eat, only drank water and popped Excedrin. After work she went to a focus group meeting because getting paid $50.00 for doing no work is an evening well spent according to our family. Unfortunately for her, they weren’t testing toilet bowl cleaner or scotch tape as they had in the past. They were testing calcium chews that night. Yes, ooey gooey calcium chews in assorted flavors like caramel and chocolate. On the drive home after the meeting, she began to feel a bit "off." She was on the expressway and had no time or place to pull over before she threw up all over herself and her husband’s brand new car. She continued to barf with tears running down her face until she could pull into a gas station. She pulled herself together, waited until she felt a little better and then continued home. Only to throw up on herself again. And again. She then had to walk into her house covered in her own filth and explain to her husband that she had just puked in the only new car he has ever owned.

Somehow I managed to spend $300.00 at Wal Mart yesterday – the most evil place on earth. I have a strong moral dilemma each time I need to make a major purchase like eye glasses or aluminum foil. Should I continue my long standing boycott of the evil empire who puts small companies out of business, bullies others, and who thinks “No need to give good customer service to all the sheep because with these low prices we know they’ll be back tomorrow?” Or should I be drawn into their lair of price cuts and savings? Well, the latter won yesterday. Each time I go, I say "never again will I contribute to the wealth of those ungrateful redneck descendants of Sam Walton."

I just wish I hadn’t noticed that they get the new People magazine on Thursday, rather than Friday like everywhere else.

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Sunday, May 01, 2005

Getting Even Stranger...

Oh my freaking God! I just saw the gender confused couple at the mall just now. They were dressed in the same outfits. I could not have made this up if I tried.