I Miss You Guys

I am on vacation right now. While I'm not stuffing my face with baked goods or writhing on the floor due to internet withdrawals, I can be found zipping through the Pennsylvania countryside in this sweet rented Monte Carlo:


Sweet meaning slightly embarrassing as if we picked it ourselves. This is what a coupon for a double upgrade will get you. Be back soon. Happy New Year.

*Update*

Re: comments. For those of you not in the know, my sister Bridget's nickname used to be "Birge" (rhymes with singing a dirge.) One day at school Christine walked up to Bridget and her friend and said "Hi Birge." Her friend got indignant and said "Don't call my friend Sperm!"

You're welcome.

Happy Birthday Brijida!

Today you turn 30. Don't worry, it's not as bad as you think. You're fabulous and
you produce cute offspring. You're the best sister anyone could ask for. I love you.

Wednesday Story

Once upon a time Bridget worked at Bennigan’s in college. She had the unbelievable perk of getting ½ priced food for up to four people at a time. One night she and her best friend and I ate there and ordered an entire table full of food. I ordered fajitas among many other things and boxed up the leftovers to take home. After dinner we met friends and ended up drinking alcohol and whatnot at someone’s house. At about 2:00 am we began the long drive home and Bridget announced that she was starving. I said she could have the leftover fajitas, and at the time she thought it was a great idea. I drove while she scarfed down the food, and she got very quiet. I looked over and she had her mouth open directly in front of the air conditioning vent, as the fajitas were quite spicy and she had nothing to drink.

File Under "Things That Piss Me Off"

Today I received a Christmas card from my wedding reception site. Enclosed was a "gift certificate" and a message that said something to the effect of "in appreciation of you holding your event at our site, we have enclosed a gift certificate for $200 off a full facility rental. Please give it to a friend or business associate. If they use it, we have a special gift for you!"

Deep breath.

Ok you self serving mother fuckers, here is my message back to you: Your facility rental fee cost more than my first car, and it still wasn't large enough to invite everyone we wanted. Why not just give me the "special gift" instead of pimping me out to my friends and business associates? I will not do your sales work for you. Is it just me, or should facilities that are part of the FLORIDA PARKS SERVICES be non-profit? Isn't someone's tax money already paying you? You make me sick and I will strongly advise anyone and everyone against booking their event with you.

Happy Holidays.

Give That Cat a Cigarette

This is an un-staged, un-photoshopped picture of Skipper with her beloved cat nip. I don’t know if she asked her sister to put it on her back, or if she did this herself. I do know that later that night she was resting her little cheek on a sprig while taking a nap as if it was a pillow. Beautiful little weirdo.

Christmas Came Early For Joe This Year

But for me, not so much. Over the weekend TV Land had a 24 hour marathon of Miami Vice. Joe taped 18 hours worth. It would have been the full 24 hours if it wasn’t for football games, etc. He loves this show because he lived in Miami at the time it was filmed and he gets to see all these nostalgic locations. I, on the other hand, HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW! God, it sucks. It was fine when I was 12 and didn’t know any better. The writing and acting are so bad, the clothes embarrass me, and I’ll be damned if Sonny Crockett doesn’t wear eyeliner. At the beginning of each show I express my discontent. Joe says “What? It’s just like the crime shows we watch now.” And then I scream through my tears “Yeah, but the people on Cold Case don’t get laid in every episode or wear white loafers!”

Wednesday Stories Are Back For A Limited Time

Once upon a time I lived in my first apartment alone as a grown up. I was harboring two illegal aliens in the form of cats so that I didn’t have to pay a pet deposit. One day I noticed that my toilet was clogged, so I called the maintenance man. He had to use a snake to unclog the toilet, and the culprit ended up being my eye glasses. Apparently one of the cats batted them off the counter and into the toilet and I probably flushed in the middle of the night without turning the light on. Anyway. I was a weensy bit embarrassed when I learned that he found my glasses in the nether regions of my toilet plumbing, but became increasingly embarrassed when he told me that he couldn’t get the glasses separated from the coil part of the snake because they were entangled by a string. A string with a tampon on the end. Mercifully it was a clean, white tampon because it had spent a long time in the water. This poor man had to cut my glasses in half to get them separated and I could only imagine the thoughts going through his mind “this crazy broad flushed her own glasses down the toilet, and then I had to touch her tampon. My job sucks.”

The End.

Don't Tell Me It's An Urban Myth

Christine and I have been talking about the evil Southern delicacy known as red velvet cake a lot more than usual lately, being the Christmas season and all. It is evil because while we love the cream cheese icing (it's the only reason I eat carrot cake), so much red food coloring goes into one that it makes us uneasy. Today she was researching recipes since it's her husband's favorite, and she discovered that it calls for 1 oz. of red dye. That doesn't sound like a lot, but it equates to 4 small bottles or 1 very large bottle. When she read that she said "I'm going to make it anyway and just leave out the red dye. And I'll call it 'cake'."

Just what the hell is red dye made of anyway? It can't be anything good if people are allergic to it. And what is this fear of ours? We certainly aren't health food nuts as we injest plenty of preservatives and additives and macaroni and cheese every day. We discussed these points and then it came to her. She said "We are the red m&m generation." Red stuff is bad in our minds because we ate red m&m's when we were very young, then they were suddenly taken away because someone died from them. Remember how scary that was? This, along with other important things happened during very formative years. I still don't eat red m&m's, swim in the ocean (Jaws), or eat Pop Rocks candy while drinking soda. I wouldn't want to end up like that kid from the Life cereal commercials you know.

Welcome To My Internal Dialog While Working, And No I'm Not Schizophrenic

Is Quentin the father of Julia’s baby on Nip/Tuck? Because she slept with Sean that one time and she’s kind of a slut. I always thought she was unlikable, but she tried to kill her mother in the last episode. What if Quentin’s the father? I think he’s smarmy and hard to look at and I was really looking forward to him being written off the show. It’s his lips. I don’t like his lips. Who’s the carver? Is it Quentin or is that just too obvious? Is it Matt? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s someone we haven’t met yet. No, it’s Quentin. But that’s way too obvious. It’s Quentin. Or Matt.

What am I going to eat for lunch?

Why does it take nine months to release a hardback book into a paperback? I know that’s the gestational period for a human, but for a paperback? Or is that just some arbitrary amount of time the publishing house comes up with? I really want to buy the sequel to “Something Borrowed” but it won’t be released until March. I looked for it on ebay and someone was selling it for a dollar, but charging $14.99 for shipping like I wouldn’t notice that. What a douche. How can I rationalize spending $25.00 for a new hardback book? Barnes and Noble only has one copy and the dust jacket is all jacked up and I could never get my money back on ebay. Maybe I’ll go to the library. No, then they’ll have to order it and it will take a week and I want it now. Now. At least before the weekend. I’ll go by Barnes and Noble on my way home. No, that’s silly. Yes, I really want it and I never buy new books. Except those two new books I bought from Amazon last week. No, absolutely not. Maybe.

Something warm to eat because it’s cold and rainy out.

I really hope I get Kathy Griffin tickets for Christmas. She is so funny. I watched her act last night on Bravo and I’m just going to buy my own tickets if I don’t get them. I’ll go by myself if I have to. Why did she and her husband get a divorce? They were so cute together. I think I’m getting the tickets. It’s the only thing I really asked for.

Burger King. Yeah, I haven’t had that all week.

Myspace makes me feel like such a loser. I know I’m slow to catch on, but I only have two friends and my two friends have like 75 friends each. I don’t have the patience to figure out how to load a picture or anything, so I would be trying to invite friends to be my friends and they’d be like “who the hell is that?” I’ll worry about that later. Who would be able to find me through this thing? Everyone. Oh, who cares? I’ve already Googled my name and anyone could find me. Come to my job even. With a machine gun. Oh my God. I never thought about how many people must hate me from my last job where I had to fire them. I’m not going to think about that.

I won’t get fries. Just a hamburger.

Is my cat going to get sick from eating the Christmas tree? Why is she doing that? Does it taste good or is it just the sensation? I hope she’s not eating the tinsel because I’m finding it all over the house. I’ll check the litterbox. She’s such a freak. But so cute.

No, a cheeseburger. And a Coke. Yeah.

I think I’m going to see Brokeback Mountain by myself tomorrow. I’ll go after work. I haven’t done that in so long. I can’t think of one single person who would want to see that movie with me. How would I explain that it’s a western where two men fall in love? I don’t like westerns. How graphic are those love scenes going to be? I’m just going to go by myself. I’m going to get popcorn. Without butter though. And a Coke. I don’t need any candy. Just popcorn.

I think I’m getting a chest cold.

Why’s my printer so slow?

I’m sick of Starbucks.

I need to get motivated.

Why in the hell is the air conditioner on?

I’m going to go get Burger King now.

And drive by Barnes and Noble.

Maybe.

Mindless Filler

Dudes. I’ve painted myself into a corner with this blog. This week has been book ended by terribly tragic news and it affects my ability to stay light and superficial and shit. Maybe one day I’ll have a place to write about serious things, but until then I’ll share with you something I stole from Alicia’s myspace thingy.

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
Yeah.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Getting married and going to St. Lucia.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Losing a good friend and having a tremendous three month long allergic reaction to a goose down feather bed which I couldn’t figure out.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
At my in-laws’ house in Pennsylvania. I discovered that night that rednecks aren’t indigenous to the south when their neighbors kept shooting off a cannon until 2:00 am.

5) Who were you with?
Joe and his family.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
At my in-laws’ house in Pennsylvania listening to some redneck shoot off his cannon.

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
Joe and his family.

8) Did you keep your New Year's resolution of 2005?
I never make them.

9) Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2006?
See above.

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
I already was.

11) If yes, with who?
My husband, duh.

12) If yes, do they know?
I believe he does.

13) Are you still in love with them?
Yes.

14) Do you regret it?
No, I would hope not.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
No.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
I don’t think so. I’ve gotten quite anti-social in my old age.

17) Who are your favorite new people in your life?
My nephew Evan.

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
I guess March because the wedding planning was over and I got to go on vacation.

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
St. Lucia.

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
Georgia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Connecticut, New York, Nevada.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
Yes, but not to death. More like to emotional problems.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
The Wedding Crashers, but I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain or Walk the Line yet, so I'm not committing.

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
"Galvanize" by The Chemical Brothers (did that come out this year?) and "Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand.

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
I haven’t had a record since I was 14. I’d have to say X&Y by Coldplay.

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
I truly dislike concerts. Is that un-American?

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
N/A.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
The usual amount.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
Only prescription.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
What the hell kind of question is this? One. I'm sure my mother wanted that picture in her head.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Just being catty and gossiping.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
I didn’t catch anyone in a lie.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
Not on purpose.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Yeah, my featherbed.

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
Entirely too much.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
Getting married, getting a good review at work when I had no idea what my boss thought of me.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
Splitting my work pants.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
To have enjoyed my wedding more.

40) What are your plans for 2006?
To continue my life just the way it is.

I've Never Used The Words Flotsam and Jetsam Before In My Life

My love affair with argyle started in the fifth grade. For Christmas I received a baby blue sweater with pink and white argyle on the front and matching legwarmers. Yes, legwarmers. I was so Jennifer Beals in Flashdance standing at the bus stop in my new outfit carrying my Smurfs lunchbox. I would have beaten my own ass if I was an 8th grader at the time.

Imagine my delight when I saw that argyle was making a comeback in places other than the old men’s department at Sears. Yesterday I wore my new fuzzy sweater and had a miserable day. It’s odd how acrylic can feel so soft to the touch, but once you put it on it feels like tiny pins are pricking you all over. I made the mistake of wearing black pants and had blue lint down to my ankles by the end of the day. I even had to take out my contacts because some of the flotsam and jetsam got into my eyes. When I got home I tore off the sweater and seriously contemplated returning it to the store or throwing it in the trash. But it’s too pretty, so expect another post in the future about how uncomfortable it is.

Why This Marriage Thing Works For Me:

Me: I'm going to the mall now, I'll be back in a little while.
Him: You may want to zip up your fly before you go.

Later that day...

Me: This carrot cake is so good.
Him: You have some on the front of your shirt.

I Haven't Rated Anything In Awhile

Starbuck’s Eggnog Latte – Oh, these are dangerous. For those of you not in the know, they steam half milk and half eggnog and the resulting product is beyond words. I plan to dedicate all five pounds of my holiday weight gain to this beverage. Speaking of seasonal beverages, this season I’ve mixed things up a bit and had a peppermint hot chocolate once or twice, but never a gingerbread latte. When I worked there I made the mistake of smelling a bottle of gingerbread syrup and when I opened my eyes I expected to see dog shampoo, you know the disgusting green kind. Stick with the eggnog latte – A.

Licorice Altoids – I don’t even like Altoids, but I love licorice. I think I bought these because I was trying to cut out everything with artificial sweeteners, including gum and mints. These are so curiously strong that they are physically painful. I gave one to my brother-in-law and it brought tears to his eyes. I wouldn’t buy them again, but I may try the ginger ones in the future. C-

Grey’s Anatomy – I have loved Patrick Dempsey since I was a teenager. He has only gotten better with age and just may be number one on my list of celebrities I can sleep with and not get in trouble with my husband. Everyone has one of those, right? I love this show because it’s not such a serious medical drama like ER, and has the feel of a night time soap opera of yore, plus it’s funny. A

Sushi and Subs – This is a restaurant I have avoided for years because I don’t think of sushi when I think of subs, and vice versa. On my neverending quest for a lunch that is moderately healthy and won’t make me want to nap afterwards, I tried it. The sushi that is, not the subs because that would just be weird. It was equivalent to the sushi sold at Publix, but less expensive and a larger quantity. I don’t have any visible signs of food poisoning yet, so I will give it a B.

Pet Peeve #39

If I ever hear another educated professional call a manila folder a VANILLA folder, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

God, I'm Old

Today I was talking to a coworker about a client who was misbehaving. I couldn’t come up with the right expression because “he was going off” is so 1990’s. She explained to me that “off the hook” means good and “off the chain” means bad. She was kind enough not to say that nobody even uses these expressions any longer. I constantly catch myself wanting to tell people that they’re “the bomb” when they do something nice for me. I looked at my younger cousins in bewilderment when they once said that a song was “sick”, but that the radio station had been “blowing it up.” I made the decision not to say “awesome” anymore awhile ago. I said it in the 80’s with the preface of “totally,” I said it by itself when it made a comeback in the 90’s, but now I can’t even hear it without cringing. I say “dude” and “peace out” for its comedic value, but is “cool” still acceptable for everyday use? Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I realized that I sound like Andy Rooney writing about this. If you don’t know who that is, you’re not old enough to be reading my blog.