Saturday, April 30, 2005

Strange World

I am watching Dr. 90210 and they are showing a woman get her anus waxed and bleached. Oh my Lord. Who would get this done besides a porn star or a stripper? The color of my anus is so low on the list of plastic surgery and procedures I would get. Who thought of this?

Last night we went for Mongolion Barbecue at a nice little neighborhood place. At the next table there was a couple that I could not stop staring at. I was not the only one because I noticed people sneaking looks, laughing, and walking by their table to the bathroom several times. The first one was obviously a man with huge hands, arms, and a very deep voice. He also had breasts and was wearing a bra, and had on a long brunette wig. The other one had his back to me, but again was wearing a bra and had long, unwashed hair. Both had five oclock shadows and carried purses.

Now there is a man on Dr. 90210 who is having gender re-assignment surgery. His name is Kimray. I think he was born a female, but has a goatee and in no way resembles a woman. It's not often that I feel like the most normal person around me.


Sunday, April 10, 2005

19 Things That Are Bothering Me Presently

1. Denise Richards’ eyebrows. Oh, and I don’t care about your divorce.
2. That Rob and Amber are going to win The Amazing Race.
3. The woman at Publix who’s 9-months-pregnant belly was purposely hanging out of her shirt and skirt. It didn’t even look good when Rachel did it on Friends – and you’re not Rachel.
4. Dominic Monaghan’s teeth/accent/mere existence.
5. That my lactose intolerance can change my plans without notice.
6. That those fuckers at my husband's office think it is socially acceptable to neither RSVP to a wedding, buy a gift, nor acknowledge it at all.
7. Everything about Rachael Ray, and the fact that I can't seem to stop watching all 87 of her shows on the Food Network.
8. That last night's Saturday Night Live didn't make me laugh once.
9. All of the Desperate Housewives. Except maybe Felicity Huffman who we all know doesn't really belong on that show anyway.
10. Constantly hearing/reading about the state of Nick and Jessica's marriage. What is the big mystery? I think that the Brad and Jen split proved to us that the tabloids are scarily accurate.
11. That The Shield feels it is so important that it needs an hour and 10 minutes each episode, thereby throwing off whatever I am taping afterwards. Maybe it's the Glenn Close factor.
12. People who pronounce it Abercrombie and Finch and Kimono Dragon.
13. That Joe is intent on making me deaf by the sheer volume of the surround sound.
14. That I can never find a pair of shoes when I need them and have money.
15. My need to obsessively check my Ebay account every 12 minutes.
16. The dumb bitch on The Bachelor who dyed her hair blonde mid season to win the affections of an oaf named Charlie who likes blondes.
17. That Star Jones won't admit that she's had gastric bypass surgery.
18. All those goddamned LIVESTRONG bracelets that every sheep in America is wearing right now. The positivity of your show of support for cancer has been cancelled out by your lack of independent thought.
19. K Fed.


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Don't Go Into the Light Carolann

Holy crap! During the past 15 minutes, the microwave has spontaneously turned itself on twice. I am freaking out. I know that there is probably some reasonable explanation like a short or something, but I prefer to believe that our house is built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground. It is Florida after all.

Is Darius Rucker getting better looking? What happened here? He must have lost weight or is just one of those men who gets better with age like Timothy Hutton and Patrick Dempsey - mmmm. I had to ask someone if that was actually him on the Burger King commercial. I think the appearance on a Burger King commercial dressed as a cowboy signals an upturn in the old music career. That, and the fact that you performed during Super Bowl week with other top headliners like Boyz II Men, Kool and the Gang, and Jon Secada.

Joe's surround sound system came this evening. Since I spent my life's (har har) savings on the wedding, the poor thing had to buy his own birthday gift this year - hey, at least it was from the "marital" account. I don't think he knows I named it that yet, but it works for me. When it got here I said "Happy Birthday to you from you" and he said "Thank you, me."

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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

JC Chasez is an Idiot

I take issue with all these assholes with recording contracts who can’t sing (ex. Yellowcard, Blink 182, Good Charlotte). I have argued at length with my husband about the merits of male singers since he listens exclusively to females, believing they are the only ones with any real talent. It is getting harder and harder to defend my argument, especially when I hear songs like the latest from JC. Ponder if you will the deep meaning of these poetic lyrics:

All day long I dream about sex
And all night long I think about sex
And all the time I think about sex
With you, with you

Ok, we get it. You’re not a homosexual like we all thought. I admit that I may have attended a (free) NSYNC concert back in the day, and maybe paid real money for Justin Timberlake’s album and perhaps even doodled “Mrs. Cory Timberlake” in my Trapper Keeper, but I’m drawing the line on this one.

**Note to all the morons who humiliate themselves each week on Supernanny/Nanny 911: If you already have 2-3 bad ass kids, why continue to have a fourth and a fifth? Don’t you people know what causes that yet?

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Adrienne Curry is Not the Only Reality TV Whore Up in This Bitch

What the hell happened to The Bachelor? I have only watched intermittently being more of a Bachelorette fan personally, and I admit that my interest is waning, but this show is now a joke. These sluts are fighting over this guy? He is the least sincere, most goofy unemployed ass clown – obviously riding the coat tails of his marginally less goofy brother who just happened to fall ass-backwards into a movie career and a relationship with Uncle Jesse’s ex. (Strike what I said about “marginally less goofy.” I forgot that I saw Kangaroo Jack.) And what is with the rose ceremonies? At first I thought that Charlie was just too cool to wear a suit or at the very least a collared shirt, now I see that everyone is wearing jeans. It’s disrespectful to everything The Bachelor used to stand for. The best part of the show last night was after the rose ceremony when they interviewed the embittered castoffs, and one said “Krissily is white trash. And I’m not. And he’ll find that out later on.” Me-ow. These cat fights are the only thing that keeps me watching.

My coworker just showed me a clip of Triumph the Dog at a Star Wars convention. My stomach still hurts from laughing. Where have I been that I haven’t even heard about him? I used to love Conan O’Brien and was a faithful watcher until it became very necessary to get a real job and to get up at a decent hour for said real job.

Last night I cooked Chinese lemon chicken for dinner. My husband has the palate of a picky 4 year old; therefore I make the same basic dishes over and over, make sure that the foods don’t touch on the plate, cut the crusts off, and keep plenty of ketchup in reserve. He actually said “Mmmm!” Oh my God, I don’t even get an “Mmmm” for steak. I said “really?” and in his best Joey Tribianni impression he said “chicken – good, rice – good, lemonade (or sauce, whatever) – good.” Huh.

I am selling my first batch of crap on Ebay, and I have found a healthy, all natural replacement for the drugs I used to take in college. I get high each time I see that people are fighting over my garbage that I was just going to sell at a yard sale for a quarter anyway. Not really, some of the things are new gifts (shhh) that are actually useful or desirable to someone else. That is why I will never reveal my Ebay username; because I might be selling the offensive perfume you thought I’d love.

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