Thursday, May 05, 2005

I'm Passing All This Typing Off as Work

I am so scared by Mary Kay Letournea. She lives in a fantasy world. What does a 22-year-old boy have to offer a woman her age with six children? He must have a huge penis because I think he’s lacking in the brains and personality departments. She acts like she’s a teenager, dressing in her Kangal hat and track pants, and she is actually HAVING A WHITE WEDDING which I have no doubt that Entertainment Tonight is footing the bill for. How else would two unemployed people pay for the event of the year?

Speaking of unemployed people, we were watching The Amazing Race last night and at the end they had a clip of Rob saying “I cannot lose this race.” I turned to Joe and said “Yeah, because then me and Ambah would have to get real jobs, yo.” I know they are going to win and I know that they will get one million dollars from CBS to broadcast their wedding, and they will end up being the next Trista and Ryan and never really have to work again. Nice life.

Recently, my sister woke up with a migraine. She went to work and pushed through the pain all day. She didn’t eat, only drank water and popped Excedrin. After work she went to a focus group meeting because getting paid $50.00 for doing no work is an evening well spent according to our family. Unfortunately for her, they weren’t testing toilet bowl cleaner or scotch tape as they had in the past. They were testing calcium chews that night. Yes, ooey gooey calcium chews in assorted flavors like caramel and chocolate. On the drive home after the meeting, she began to feel a bit "off." She was on the expressway and had no time or place to pull over before she threw up all over herself and her husband’s brand new car. She continued to barf with tears running down her face until she could pull into a gas station. She pulled herself together, waited until she felt a little better and then continued home. Only to throw up on herself again. And again. She then had to walk into her house covered in her own filth and explain to her husband that she had just puked in the only new car he has ever owned.

Somehow I managed to spend $300.00 at Wal Mart yesterday – the most evil place on earth. I have a strong moral dilemma each time I need to make a major purchase like eye glasses or aluminum foil. Should I continue my long standing boycott of the evil empire who puts small companies out of business, bullies others, and who thinks “No need to give good customer service to all the sheep because with these low prices we know they’ll be back tomorrow?” Or should I be drawn into their lair of price cuts and savings? Well, the latter won yesterday. Each time I go, I say "never again will I contribute to the wealth of those ungrateful redneck descendants of Sam Walton."

I just wish I hadn’t noticed that they get the new People magazine on Thursday, rather than Friday like everywhere else.

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