How I Prepared For My Class Reunion
2 months before: Decide to order a brown dress to be “different” since black is my signature color.
6 weeks before: Receive the dress in the mail. See that it's the ugliest brown ever created, complete with copper threads running through it circa 1982. Look online to see if the dress is still available in black. Of course it isn’t. Swear a lot.
4 weeks before: Bleach teeth, get hair did.
3 weeks before: Threaten best friend with death by dismemberment for bailing on reunion.
1 week before: Resigned, look for ugly brown shoes to match ugly brown dress. Buy some; bring them home to find that they don’t match. Drink a bottle of merlot. Get the bright idea to see if the dress is available in black yet. Of course it is. Begin to sweat as I order it. Am told it will arrive in 5-8 days.
4 days before: Am told the reunion is postponed due to Tropical Storm Ernesto. Sing Hosanna in the Highest.
3 days before: Am told the reunion is back on since Tropical Storm Ernesto has become Thunderstorm Ernesto. Weep into my fists.
2 days before: Go to salon to get nails done. Tell the hairless young Asian girl “I’d like some waxing done too.” She says “Your eyebrows? You probably want your lip done too.” “Yeah, um, thanks” I reply.
24 hours before: Miraculously receive black dress in the mail, and it is beautiful. Sit on the couch and tip m&m’s bag directly into my mouth while thinking “Maybe it will be canceled again.”
Decide it might be wise to make a hotel reservation. Do so. Do last minute tweezing, bleaching, waxing, sanding, scraping, and polishing. Put 3 Biore Pore Perfect strips all about face. Asked by husband if I’m auditioning for Braveheart II.
12 hours before: Awaken with a knot in my stomach.
10 hours before: Book it south to meet my girls for lunch. Witness a horrifying car accident directly in front of me that makes me shake for the rest of the afternoon. (No one was hurt – we stopped)
6 hours before: Eat lunch with my girls and their various infants. Feel pains in my uterus that I will away with hard liquor.
5 hours before: Curse my sorry ass when I begin to develop a migraine from drinking in the middle of the day.
4 hours before: Make futile attempt to nap. Take 2 aspirin.
3 hours before: Shake fist at the sky. Take 2 Excedrin.
1 hour before: Realize that I left pantyhose and slip at home. Curse some. Drive to Walgreens to buy hose.
30 minutes before: Realize that I have no time to shower. Get dressed, put on mascara for the first time since my wedding.
During: Stand in a room with a bunch people I don’t know anymore (my girls excluded). Drink Jack Daniels, rock out to 90’s tunes. Take more aspirin. Laugh at self and others as we sit around with coffee mugs in hand complaining that it’s past our bedtimes.
6 weeks before: Receive the dress in the mail. See that it's the ugliest brown ever created, complete with copper threads running through it circa 1982. Look online to see if the dress is still available in black. Of course it isn’t. Swear a lot.
4 weeks before: Bleach teeth, get hair did.
3 weeks before: Threaten best friend with death by dismemberment for bailing on reunion.
1 week before: Resigned, look for ugly brown shoes to match ugly brown dress. Buy some; bring them home to find that they don’t match. Drink a bottle of merlot. Get the bright idea to see if the dress is available in black yet. Of course it is. Begin to sweat as I order it. Am told it will arrive in 5-8 days.
4 days before: Am told the reunion is postponed due to Tropical Storm Ernesto. Sing Hosanna in the Highest.
3 days before: Am told the reunion is back on since Tropical Storm Ernesto has become Thunderstorm Ernesto. Weep into my fists.
2 days before: Go to salon to get nails done. Tell the hairless young Asian girl “I’d like some waxing done too.” She says “Your eyebrows? You probably want your lip done too.” “Yeah, um, thanks” I reply.
24 hours before: Miraculously receive black dress in the mail, and it is beautiful. Sit on the couch and tip m&m’s bag directly into my mouth while thinking “Maybe it will be canceled again.”
Decide it might be wise to make a hotel reservation. Do so. Do last minute tweezing, bleaching, waxing, sanding, scraping, and polishing. Put 3 Biore Pore Perfect strips all about face. Asked by husband if I’m auditioning for Braveheart II.
12 hours before: Awaken with a knot in my stomach.
10 hours before: Book it south to meet my girls for lunch. Witness a horrifying car accident directly in front of me that makes me shake for the rest of the afternoon. (No one was hurt – we stopped)
6 hours before: Eat lunch with my girls and their various infants. Feel pains in my uterus that I will away with hard liquor.
5 hours before: Curse my sorry ass when I begin to develop a migraine from drinking in the middle of the day.
4 hours before: Make futile attempt to nap. Take 2 aspirin.
3 hours before: Shake fist at the sky. Take 2 Excedrin.
1 hour before: Realize that I left pantyhose and slip at home. Curse some. Drive to Walgreens to buy hose.
30 minutes before: Realize that I have no time to shower. Get dressed, put on mascara for the first time since my wedding.
During: Stand in a room with a bunch people I don’t know anymore (my girls excluded). Drink Jack Daniels, rock out to 90’s tunes. Take more aspirin. Laugh at self and others as we sit around with coffee mugs in hand complaining that it’s past our bedtimes.
posted by Cory at 7:12 PM
10 Comments:
What a roller coaster! Now we know why you have been an absentee blogger.
Sounds like in the end, you had a great time!
So enlighten the truly virtual acquaintances with names for the girls we can match faces with funny high school stories.
Alicia planned the whole thing and did such a good job. Christine was absent, and I'm not sure I've mentioned anyone else besides Alicia before.
It's me, Kris, Barbara, Alicia, Theresa, and Kellie.
Dude, you crack me up. This one made me laugh out loud, and in particular the Braveheart II bit. Brilliant. Glad you had fun! For your sake, glad it's over with!
I loved this! And really, it wasn't so bad, was it?!? Were you really drinking Jack Daniels?!? I didn't realize you were so hardcore! ;)
For me, it was nice to get it over with, though I have to admit that I had a great time.
I'm SO glad you came! I miss you already!
I'm calling my mom right now to read this to her (she can't figure out the internet).
g. just laughed till he cried and you know he has a strict, "No reading, ever" rule.
You and your friends look like you had a great time!
SOOOO funny! Glad I never went to any "Class of 87" reunions.
what about the aftermath?
that's the best part...calling up your very best friends and recapping the night. talking about how this one got so fat and he is so bald. and i can't believe SHE had a baby and when did he get so hot and i always suspected he was gay etc. etc.
i'm so happy you had a good time. and you look smashing in the black dress (or should i say smashed?)
How did I miss this post? I've been waiting to hear about the reuntion. I must need extra strength granny glasses ...
Anyway, I'm so glad that your reunion turned out to be fun after all the trials & turmoil leading up to it. That's a great picture of some very lovely ladies, too!!
I went to my 30 yr reunion last year. It was a blast, but it was sad that some of the girls that live in the town, didn't show up... why? because they had put on weight!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA... who hadn't!!! They missed out.
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