What I Did While I Was Gone:

1. Sprayed Reddi Whip directly into my mouth. More than once.
2. Found out that Mikasa has quite a little racket going on selling fake shit under the assumed name “china.”
3. Listened to my 18-month-old nephew say “wow,” “alright,” and “oh boy” 18,000 times and smiled each time.
4. Suffered from heartburn all weekend due to excessive eating and drinking of the chardonnay.
5. Found out that Nick and Jessica are separating. This time for real.
6. Sorted all my Christmas ornaments into two categories: broken and unbroken.
7. Gave relationship advice to a gay man.
8. Made a surprisingly good seafood lasagna for the first time.
9. Drained my car battery by leaving my XM receiver on for four straight days. Again.
10. Discovered an entire untouched pumpkin pie in the refrigerator on Sunday after everyone left.