Dearest Skipper,

Enough with the hairballs already. You eat hairball control food, you eat hairball control treats, you live in air conditioned comfort 24 hours a day, and it’s not even summertime. There is no excuse for this. I could handle it if they were tidy cylinders of hair that didn’t leave a mark on the floor, but yours are always accompanied by vomit. Large amounts of vomit. And why always on the carpet and never on the linoleum? Could you give me a break once in awhile? Most childless people don’t have to buy an industrial grade steam cleaner, and if they do they certainly don’t have to use it every three days like at our house. Most cats are not given the nickname “Barf” by their father either. I won’t shave you at this point, but I make no promises about next year. I stick up for you each time someone calls you fat, could you help me out here?

I Still Love You,
Mom