Saturday, October 01, 2005

Don't Worry, The Mom Was Fine

I really made a mistake by pinning all my hopes on this Fall's new TV season. I have been nothing but bored, perplexed, and disappointed. Allow me to illustrate:

My Fair Brady - This show is an embarrassing account of the love affair between Adrianne Curry and Peter Brady who met on The Surreal Life. I don't like to think about other couples in bed, together in the bathtub, wearing lingerie, beating each other in dominatrix fashion, etc. This show has not only made me think about it, but see it and a whole lot more. Eew. Dysfunctional love at its best with lots of sex talk and burping.

Lost - What the hell is going on here? Last season was absolutely riveting because things happened very slowly and the writers always left us begging for more. I hadn't felt this way about a show since Melrose Place started to get really dirty (remember when Kimberly survived the car crash and pulled off her pretty red wig to expose a huge scar? Aah, the good old days.) This season so much is happening that I can't keep up, plus so much of the same background is being given, probably to catch up the newcomers. But why do the rest of us who have watched from day one have to suffer? Again I'm bored, perplexed, and I may have stopped caring what happens to any of them.

The Amazing Race - I hate when they make things family editions. This is the exact reason why Trading Spaces lost its appeal. I don't expect nearly as much swearing or fighting if a bunch of kids are running around. People are actually going to have to monitor what they say and do. Boring.

Alias - Those motherfuckers just killed off Vaughn! I can't speak about this any further.

Survivor - I am only watching this because I read that this season in Guatemala will be the hardest yet. I think they say that every year, but I'm not impressed. My problem is that I can't learn the contestants' names or faces until the last few episodes, then nothing really matters and I wish I could go back and watch the whole thing over so everything will make sense. The only interesting things that have happened so far are that several people almost died from dehydration (I wonder just how much brain damage Mark Burnett would let someone get before he let medical personnel step in?), there is a man named Bobby Jon, and there are these monkeys who live in the trees that do nothing but shriek continuously. No one can sleep and it's hilarious in a sick and twisted way, which is how I like it.

Martha Stewart The Apprentice - First of all, Martha's daughter is a serious sell out. For the past 15 years I have always heard that they didn't get along, Martha was emotionally abusive, yada yada yada. Well Alexis or whatever her name is, is now her right hand man. What happened here? Martha was supposed to be softened by prison, but she still scares the shit out of me. The old her keeps rising to the top despite her best efforts. For example: at last week's meeting, one girl said "I am so embarrassed in front of you right now that I could cry." Martha said "You cry and you're out of here! Women in business don't cry!" Meow.

As I was writing this I was watching a taped episode of The Amazing Race. In a challenge one person had to pull an Amish buggy as if he/she were a horse, one had to push from behind, and two had to ride inside. One family's buggy started rolling down a hill and the brakes didn't work. The mom who was acting as the horse got run over. I'm back in baby! If inflection could be conveyed through the written word, that would have just been screamed in George Costanza's voice.

P.S. If "motherfuckers" pops up while you are spellchecking, the only alternative suggested is "motorbikes." I did not know that (said in Jerry Seinfeld's voice).


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