Monday, September 26, 2005


I am in South Florida which I abhor. When I got here I went to Starbucks (huge surprise) while I waited for my friend Renee to get out of a meeting so we could go to dinner. At the table next to me was a couple who was on a first date. It had the definite awkward feel of a set up or a computer date. They were both very cute, but I don’t think she liked him. She left first, and I have been on enough blind/set up/computer dates to know that there won't be a second. I cannot believe that I am quoting Balki of all people (I refuse to learn his real name), but last week on The Surreal Life he made reference to God being the most merciless comedy writer of all. I can attest to that because blind date man walked up to me to talk about my computer at the exact moment I was writing about him and his date. I always have to learn things the hard way.

I'm in Ft. Lauderdale all week for work training. Actually I’m in Boca Raton and the training is in Plantation, but I call this whole 60 mile stretch of I-95 “Ft. Lauderdale” because like Balki's name, I don’t care enough to learn the difference.

People are generally rude here. I don’t fit in because I weigh more than 98 lbs., I'm not tan, and I don’t drive a convertible Mercedes. Part of the reason I hate South Florida is because I’m jealous of certain aspects, not the heat or construction or weird flora, but the culture. For example, this was the largest and best Starbucks I’ve ever been to. It rates up there with the ones in New York City. My yardstick is whether or not they sell sandwiches and such. They do, and they're made fresh daily, which is like twisting the knife in my back. What they also do is charge for wireless internet service. Fuck them and T Mobile. I have given ¼ of my paycheck to Starbucks for as long as I can remember. They owe me some free internet for fuck's sake.

As I was driving down I got hysterical because I was watching through my rearview mirror as a guy drove for miles with a very large piece of cardboard that covered his grill, hood, and the majority of his windshield. He was probably being sensible and waiting for a safe place to pull off the road. I’m so glad that didn’t happen to me because while I would be screaming ala Chevy Chase and trying not to cause a 22 car pile up, I would be mortified by all the people staring at me and thanking God it didn’t happen to them.

I printed off directions from Yahoo or wherever, and I was reading the fine print. It said something like "these directions are only for planning purposes. In case of road changes, etc. it is important to do a reality check before traveling." Where would one get a reality check?