Monday, September 19, 2005

Warning: Random

Which is worse: pretending not to see your cat lick the butter off your toast, or talking yourself into believing that animals' mouths truly are cleaner than humans' and then eating the toast? Hey, at least I don't kiss her on the mouth.

Evil ear/sinus pain 2005 has transformed into a very sore back molar and something that looks like a goiter under my right jaw bone. The pain and--because I'm me--the fear is extraordinary. I went to the dentist this morning to get checked out. Pretend you are a dentist and your patient has made it very clear that she is in extreme pain and that her molar is so sensitive that she can't bite down all the way. Would you then take a metal instrument and bang down on that particular tooth? Me neither. I have had braces, surgery for wisdom tooth removal, and countless fillings. Today was the first time I ever cried in the dentist's chair. To his credit, he felt so bad that he patted my shoulder and kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Oh, and he prescribed me Vicodin so all is forgiven.

Yesterday I lost quite a few hours of my life because AMC was having a high school movie marathon. Not Bring it On or 10 Things I Hate About You, but the true classics like Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Dazed and Confused. I love them all, but no other movie sums up my high school experience like Dazed and Confused. We too drove around all night and hung out in parking lots, Seniors tortured Freshmen girls, we had keg parties in the woods, we avoided the police, we always looked for someone to buy us beer, we snuck in at dawn, and there were several older has-beens who continued to hang out with us long after they graduated. Unfortunately, none of them were Matthew McConaughey like in the movie, but you can't have everything. Even though this movie took place 15 years before I graduated, it is a classic because so many things are universal regardless of time or place. Go rent this if you grew up in Smalltown, FL and haven't already seen it.

I also watched The Surreal Life and was rightfully horrified when Balki started crying. Janice was telling him about being molested as a child and he got hysterical. This has undoubtedly been the best season so far. Hey Jose - your ex-wife told the whole world that you have no testicles. Caprice - did you and Madonna attend the same fake British accent class? Carey Hart - you appear so normal, why would you want to marry a man, uh, I mean Pink? Peppa - you are the sanest person in the house. Omarosa - if you want to portray such a high class princess, it would probably be wise to stop saying "shut the fuck up" 30 times per episode. Balki - where have you been for the past 20 years? Janice - I admit that you are my favorite, but I have to agree with Omarosa that your children are probably severely damaged.

I hope to bring you a post sponsored by Vicodin later, or have I already?


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