Dear Alicia,

Today you turn 32. Congratulations, you've finally caught up to the rest of us hags. I have 16 years of embarrassing moments and stories in my memory bank, but I'll only share one. Remember when we were seniors in high school and we got our graduation announcements with those little name cards that we exchanged? Since you have two middle names and space was limited, you shortened yours to Alicia M. F. T_________. When my father saw this he laughed out loud. He was shocked and truly thought that you did this as a final senior prank. You gained major points in his book because it was such a bad ass thing to do. I almost hated to tell him that the M.F. stood for Mary Francis and not Mother Fucker, as he thought.

Happy Birthday honey. You have a heart bigger than the whole world and you're going to be a great mom.

Love, Cory