Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

This past weekend I was feeling uninspired and thought that I’d lost my writing mojo forever. Well, I have been bombarded with news this week and it’s only Tuesday.

Did anyone hear about that kid who found the razor blade in his chicken sandwich in his high school cafeteria? Since he wasn’t hurt I blew it off because I am more concerned with other news, like who stole Britney’s baby pictures. I found out today that THIS HAPPENED AT MY HIGH SCHOOL. I am not kidding. I haven’t done a full investigation yet, but it sounds like the razor blade was inserted after the chicken left the factory. If they are trying to frame one of my lunch ladies I’m going to go down there and kick someone’s ass because nobody makes better yeast rolls and garlic bread than my lunch ladies. If the maker of the baked goods is in prison, then the kids I babysat for will only have taco boats to look forward to. Whatever the hell those are. The children need the bread, it’s part of the whole high school experience. So I say suck it up kid. Who hasn’t found something random in their food? Yours just happened to be dangerous and newsworthy.

While we’re on the subject of high school: There was this girl who graduated two years before me. I didn’t know her, but that’s completely irrelevant to the story. This girl ditched college to become a model in the modeling metropolis of Orlando, FL. Christine and I have been tracking her “career” for years so that if she ever becomes the next supermodel, we could say that we went to school with someone famous. God, we sound like such losers when I see this in writing. Anyway, we have seen her pictures in Seventeen magazine, sales flyers, a Caboodles ad, and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t in a Subway commercial. Apparently she is now a French Pop star with a hit single. When news of this makes it across the Atlantic and she's on a VH1 special, we are going to blow this shit up (the words of Christine and I couldn’t have said it better.) I want to be the person who sends in the yearbook photos and tells VH1 all about the Podunk town she came from but won’t claim. I also want to tell them her real age because it’s not very common to start your new pop career at age 34. I’ll bet she’s shaved off at least 8 years. I am so excited I could burst.

Thirdly, though I don’t know if that’s a word, I graduated with another girl who I actually used to be friends with, but now not so much. She apparently hates us all and her mom has put the call block on the reunion committee so we can’t contact her. She is proof that anyone can be found through the glorious workings of the internet. She’s going to be sorry that she ever became a lawyer because now her profile is on her firm’s website with a picture and everything. She’s also going to be sorry that her office is in my sister’s neighborhood because now I’m going to hand deliver her reunion invitation. Boo ya!

I should probably quit caffeine again.



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