I'm Having a Bad Week
If you want to be my friend:
Please don’t invite me to a surprise couple’s wedding shower. Like, ever. Especially if I only know the couple casually and I’m not invited to the wedding itself.
If you want to be my clothing consignment store proprietor:
Please don’t close up shop with zero warning. Especially before I’ve had a chance to collect the $2.24 you owe me. That’s just bad business.
If you live in my neighborhood:
Please don’t go to a club and talk to someone else’s girlfriend. Particularly when that someone is absolutely fucking nuts and as a result drives by your house and unloads his gun into it. It gives your neighbors a sense of uneasiness, and causes them to wonder if COPS will be filmed in your development the next time they’re in town.
If you want to sell me gluten-free chicken nuggets for $6.00 a box:
Maybe for that price you could find a way to make them taste marginally better than a McNugget. Just a suggestion.
If you’re Netflix:
You’re not fooling anyone, dicks. I know that you purposely take an extra long time to send out new DVDs so that no one can actually get their money’s worth each month.
If you work in the Starbucks drive through:
It’s really unnecessary to speak like Yoda while taking my order. I know you’ve been working since 5:45 a.m., and if it’s too early for me to crack a smile, it’s too early for you to attempt to be cute.
If you’re the hostess in the restaurant where I ate Saturday night:
You’re 16. That’s too young to call me “honey.” I don’t take offense at being called “ma’am.” I don’t even take offense at no longer being carded. Unfortunately, I am literally old enough to be your mother. Just to be safe, strike the word “honey” from your vocabulary.
If you're Rascal Flatts:
There was no need to remake that song "Life is a Highway." It sucked the first time.
If you're XM radio:
Please stop playing Rascal Flatts on my stations. I don't believe in cross over artists, and neither should you.
Please don’t invite me to a surprise couple’s wedding shower. Like, ever. Especially if I only know the couple casually and I’m not invited to the wedding itself.
If you want to be my clothing consignment store proprietor:
Please don’t close up shop with zero warning. Especially before I’ve had a chance to collect the $2.24 you owe me. That’s just bad business.
If you live in my neighborhood:
Please don’t go to a club and talk to someone else’s girlfriend. Particularly when that someone is absolutely fucking nuts and as a result drives by your house and unloads his gun into it. It gives your neighbors a sense of uneasiness, and causes them to wonder if COPS will be filmed in your development the next time they’re in town.
If you want to sell me gluten-free chicken nuggets for $6.00 a box:
Maybe for that price you could find a way to make them taste marginally better than a McNugget. Just a suggestion.
If you’re Netflix:
You’re not fooling anyone, dicks. I know that you purposely take an extra long time to send out new DVDs so that no one can actually get their money’s worth each month.
If you work in the Starbucks drive through:
It’s really unnecessary to speak like Yoda while taking my order. I know you’ve been working since 5:45 a.m., and if it’s too early for me to crack a smile, it’s too early for you to attempt to be cute.
If you’re the hostess in the restaurant where I ate Saturday night:
You’re 16. That’s too young to call me “honey.” I don’t take offense at being called “ma’am.” I don’t even take offense at no longer being carded. Unfortunately, I am literally old enough to be your mother. Just to be safe, strike the word “honey” from your vocabulary.
If you're Rascal Flatts:
There was no need to remake that song "Life is a Highway." It sucked the first time.
If you're XM radio:
Please stop playing Rascal Flatts on my stations. I don't believe in cross over artists, and neither should you.
posted by Cory at 2:26 PM
4 Comments:
I totally agree with you on netflix- blockbuster is better about it, but not by a long shot. Although, you get free rentals at the store once a week, so you don't have to wait as long between movies, which is nice when I use them.
hope you're week gets better!
Good stuff! Not your misery of course, but your description of your misery!
I hate too hate being called honey by anyone any age...with exception of course to my honey.
I only like being called honey by exceptionally large black women. And by my mom. Oh, and by close friends. But anyone else, hell no.
This is good stuff, Cory - you crack my shit up. In a good way!
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