Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Girl I Must Warn You…

My BFF Christine requested that I tell the story about a notorious urban legend in our home town while we were growing up. There was a boy named Ron Wolfe who went to school in a neighboring town, and rumor had it that he stole someone’s girlfriend, and that someone was good friends with Bel Biv Devoe. (This stuff is highly plausible when you’re 16.) Around that time BBD was putting out an album and they hid a threatening message in that song “Poison.” You know that line that you always thought said “wrong move, you’re dead?” If you listen very closely it clearly says “Ron Wolfe, you’re dead.” Go download it from iTunes right now and tell me it doesn’t say that. I’ll wait.

Ok. One night Alicia and I were at someone’s house doing a bunch of underage drinking and not much else. In walk a couple of guys we didn’t know. We lived in such a small place that there was literally no one we didn’t know, so this was very odd. People started whispering that this was THE Ron Wolfe, he who lived under the constant threat of death by Bel Biv Devoe and probably Bobby Brown too. Someone dared the host to covertly play the tape with the song “Poison” on it. As soon as it came on this guy yelled “Hey! Ron Wolfe – that’s me!” Because we equated him with danger, this scared the shit out of us and the party broke up immediately amid our screams.

Fast forward about 2 years. Christine and I are working at Marineland with a woman named Janet. Janet was looking for a nice young woman to introduce to her son Ron. She chose Christine and pestered her on a weekly basis all summer to meet him. This was never going to happen because a) Christine already had a boyfriend, b) she didn’t want to be in the same room with this woman, much less have her as a future mother-in-law, and c) Ron’s last name was Wolfe. Yes, that Ron Wolfe.

Wrong move, and she'd probably be dead too.


Blogger Barbara said...

It is amazing how possible everything is in the world of a teenager, isn't it? I laugh and blush at how ... overwhelmingly gullible ... I was then. But boy, it sure would be great to wake up some morning with that feeling that anything really is possible. sigh

I have to go find out who Bel Biv Devoe is ... I have honestly never heard of him. Can you tell I grew up in the sticks?

2:19 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...


I was too old to have picked up on BBD in high school - as in, I'd graduated by the time they formed in 88.


2:25 PM  
Blogger C. said...

Oh no you didn't. This is why you must immediately change careers and find someone to pay you for this kind of crap.

Didn't it take us all summer to figure out he was THE Ron Wolfe??

Also, I'm having some sort of flashback involving his mom actually telling us people wanted to kill this correct, or am I making this up?

4:04 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

Hey Ron Wolfe might have been a step up compared to you-know-who!!!! Now I've got to go and figure this whole BBD thing out... God I'm old.

10:21 PM  
Blogger Dramedy Girl said...

That is hilarious. I think if I look hard enough around here I might still have Poison on tape.... :)

11:46 PM  
Anonymous Angie said...

I am afraid BBD came after my time. Thanks for visiting my journal. It is nice to meet you.

6:16 AM  
Blogger Allygator said...

I am so retarded -- it was YOU in my memory and not Theresa (as I mistakenly posted in Christine's blog)...though I could swear she was there too. We were at Ted's house, I remember that. I really was drunk that night, wasn't I?!?

9:21 AM  
Blogger T said...

Woman- reading your posts makes my day you know that? My 8 year old keeps giving me these strange looks because I am laughing my butt off at the computer ;)

9:46 AM  
Blogger Kelley said...

That is too funny! I love me some urban legends.

5:47 PM  

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