Girl I Must Warn You…

My BFF Christine requested that I tell the story about a notorious urban legend in our home town while we were growing up. There was a boy named Ron Wolfe who went to school in a neighboring town, and rumor had it that he stole someone’s girlfriend, and that someone was good friends with Bel Biv Devoe. (This stuff is highly plausible when you’re 16.) Around that time BBD was putting out an album and they hid a threatening message in that song “Poison.” You know that line that you always thought said “wrong move, you’re dead?” If you listen very closely it clearly says “Ron Wolfe, you’re dead.” Go download it from iTunes right now and tell me it doesn’t say that. I’ll wait.

Ok. One night Alicia and I were at someone’s house doing a bunch of underage drinking and not much else. In walk a couple of guys we didn’t know. We lived in such a small place that there was literally no one we didn’t know, so this was very odd. People started whispering that this was THE Ron Wolfe, he who lived under the constant threat of death by Bel Biv Devoe and probably Bobby Brown too. Someone dared the host to covertly play the tape with the song “Poison” on it. As soon as it came on this guy yelled “Hey! Ron Wolfe – that’s me!” Because we equated him with danger, this scared the shit out of us and the party broke up immediately amid our screams.

Fast forward about 2 years. Christine and I are working at Marineland with a woman named Janet. Janet was looking for a nice young woman to introduce to her son Ron. She chose Christine and pestered her on a weekly basis all summer to meet him. This was never going to happen because a) Christine already had a boyfriend, b) she didn’t want to be in the same room with this woman, much less have her as a future mother-in-law, and c) Ron’s last name was Wolfe. Yes, that Ron Wolfe.

Wrong move, and she'd probably be dead too.