Oh No He Didn't

This is worthy of another post. I should probably just wait until the end of this interview before I publish.

What's his name is maintaining his douche bag status with comments like "when we talked on the phone for the first time, we had so much in common and I just knew that if she was pretty then she would be perfect." Have you looked in the mirror sir? Your haircut makes you look like an 8 year old boy who gets beat up on the playground. And please don't try to make us believe that you lived together, but never had pre-marital sex. Maybe your Mamas believe that one, but no one else does.

I'm just glad that Jennifer is able to keep up with her tanning and hair coloring appointments during this trying time.

I Don't Even Know His Name

The best part of my day was when Christine called Jennifer Willbanks' fiance a "douche bag." In the 20 years that we have been best friends, she has never used that phrase. I'm watching Mr. and Mrs. Douchebag's interview with Katie Couric now. What I find unjust is that she is being rewarded for her bad behavior with a $500,000 movie/book deal. Give me a fucking break.

I Got Your Tossed Salad Right Here

I am a terrible blogger. I am blaming everything on my inner ear infection. My ears have hurt for two months now. First I was diagnosed with "swimmer's ear" and told to stop using Qtips. Eew. That is as implausible for me as not using deodorant. I was very disciplined for weeks, albeit less than well groomed, and my ears continued to get worse. During my flight to and from NY last week I was in such agony that I was fantasizing about a plane crash to put me out of my misery. Tired of running into walls and afraid that Joe would make good on his threat to commit me to rehab for addiction to prescription pain killers, I made an appointment with a new doctor. She diagnosed me with an INNER EAR INFECTION, which I had diagnosed myself with two months ago. I am feeling much better despite the fact that these antibiotics make me feel like I have lost IQ points.

It took me two solid weeks to make it through the recording of "Rob and Amber Get Married." That doesn't bode well for CBS if a reality show junkie has to portion out a show as to prevent projectile vomiting. I didn't realize my standards were quite this low. I may as well start watching that new Jerry Hall show. These two assholes are millionaires, got a house as a wedding present, got a Colin Cowie wedding for free, then had the gall to cry about how stressful it all is.

Best Buy is teetering on the edge of my shit list, whose other members presently include Orbitz, Independence Air, Saturn, Wal Mart, and Rob and Amber, Inc. A couple of weeks ago my laptop was seriously ill. Everything was dark and I couldn't play Alchemy at all. We rushed it to the Best Buy hospital and were directed to the emergency room which is run by the Geek Squad. I shit you not. They are even dressed like the geeks in their ad campaign. It would have been funny if I had not been so upset at the time. We met our geek, and things quickly went downhill:

Joe: I think it's the monitor bulb.
Geek: Hmm (turning the computer over) I think it's the monitor bulb.
Me: I think it's an inner ear infection!
Geek: I will have to ship it to Sony since it is under warranty.
Me: How long will that take?
Geek: 2-3 weeks.
Me: Ok. Can I have a loaner during that time?
Geek: We don't do that.
Me and Joe: WHAT?
Geek: Or you can take it to an authorized Sony repair shop.
Joe: Do you know of any?
Geek: No.
Joe: Can you rush it?
Geek: Yeah, I can escalate it. (I don't think that is the proper use of that word, but whatever).
Me: Ok. You can ship it off, but first can you hook it up to a monitor and copy my documents onto my jump drive?
Geek: We charge $59.99 for that service.
Me and Joe: WHAT?

I was so mad by this point that I was shaking and using all my relaxation techniques. Bear in mind that this is my work computer also. We stomped out of the store, but not before Joe bought a new digital camera. I have decided that Best Buy is to Joe what Target is to me - crack.

The computer arrived via Fed Ex after one week. Boy, that escalation works every time. I credit the wonderful people at Sony with this, as Best Buy would have wanted to charge me $89.99 for the additional service.

I was just watching Everyday Italian on the Food Network and the host said that
she was going to toss her salad. I giggle like Beavis every time I hear that out of sickening context. I think it is the only time I act like I'm 12. That, and when I don't get my way at Best Buy.

So Not a Pleasure

Dear Publix,

You've betrayed me again you dirty rotten whore. I have been a loyal customer my entire adult life, and remember my mother shopping at you since we move to Florida 27 years ago. You had it going on with your clean, well-lit stores, your baggers who wouldn't accept tips, and your customer service. Man, your customer service really did make "shopping a pleasure." I would drive across town to pay your exorbitant prices any day for that customer service. And you gladly hired the disabled which was the best part.

Lately you've been slipping. I thought it was just the store in my new neighborhood, but I'm discovering that it is all of your stores. Your staff is downright surly. I am tired of your produce manager almost hitting me with his cart each time, then rolling his eyes and sighing as if I the customer is in his fucking way. I'm tired of your cashiers neither greeting nor thanking me. I'm tired of your 15 year old baggers staring blankly at me while I have a cart full of groceries to take out to the car. An offer to help would be so nice. And as much as it pains me and gives me the willies to bring this up, last summer there were FLIES in the produce department swarming over the rotten onions. What have you become--Food Lion? I had blocked that from my memory until this very moment.

Last night I had to argue about the price of a pineapple which kept ringing up wrong. It was clearly on sale. I could tell by the 4'X 4' poster behind it which said so. The clueless bag girl went back twice and finally saw the enormous sale sign. While standing in line during this excruciating time while everyone in line behind me thinks whatever is going on is my fault, I saw that you had the gall to sell a book about the art of Publix customer service. Obviously that art has gone out of style. I ended up getting the pineapple for free. I also got to push my cart out and unload it myself. In the rain. I'll see you next week though because I have no other viable options until they build a Super Target in my area.

I hate you.

I Love My Family

I have an 18-year-old cousin named Tom. Recently he went to his senior prom and had "a few beers." Well, these few beers interacted poorly with his acne medication (I think it is Accutane or something equally scary). In the words of my father "he totally wigged out and went ballistic." My little cousin is now famous in three counties as the kid who got arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at his own prom. My uncle posted bail and took him home where he proceeded to further wig out and go ballistic to the point where the cops had to be called again. Now I have a story to replace the one where at age 15 he snuck his mother's car from the driveway, crashed it, then reported it stolen. I love this kid.