A Little Christmas Cheer

This morning I was up early and checked our Ebay account. I saw that Joe had won a giftcard to Quizno's Subs. The auction ended last night at 8:47 p.m. Since we don't live and die by Ebay, we hadn't paid for the giftcard by 6:45 a.m. today. This was the nice message from the seller:

I clearly stated Immediate payment, why have i not recieved your payment, should i open a paypal dispute claim? Do you ever plan on paying me? Please contact me, Let me now!!!Communicate!!!
Roockie

This is the response I worked on all day in my mind:

Roockie,

Chill the fuck out, man. Some people only check Ebay once a day. Not paying for an auction within 10 hours does not constitute the need for a Paypal dispute. This makes me think either the card is stolen, or that you desperately need the $20.00. Last time I checked, you couldn't pay rent, pay child support, or buy drugs using your Paypal account, so take it easy already. Oh, and when you want to "yell" at us by email, at least learn basic 3rd grade spelling and grammar, you whiny little bitch.

Up yours,
Cory

I never got to send this letter because Joe made the payment and rose above the bullshit. He's obviously a better person than both Roockie and me.

Letters, We Get Letters, We Get Stacks and Stacks of Letters

Dear Pollyanna,

You’re the only person in my Bunko group who I’ve found I don’t care for. I’m sure you’re lovely, but you’re just not my cup of tea.

Maybe it’s the fact that you use my email address to try to sell your products. Maybe it’s your knack for turning every conversation back to you within 10 seconds. It could be that you never show any interest in anyone else or ask how she is. Oh, I know. It’s that we’ve known each other for almost a year, you’ve been inside my house, and you still call me Cary. That’s it. I refuse to correct you because I would then be denying myself an opportunity to roll my eyes at the women of substance surrounding you.

Step outside of your fantastic little life for a minute and get a clue.

Peace Out,

Cary

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Woman in the Publix Parking Lot,

Yes, I realize I was driving the wrong way down a one-way aisle. I did it on purpose. I assure you that no one’s car or person was in danger.

Did you know that as you pantomimed and bounced in your seat and said repeatedly that it was one-way I kept my face as impassive as I could as I stared at you? I understood what you were saying, therefore rolling down your window and trying to tell me a fourth time was completely unnecessary.

I sincerely hope this is the biggest problem you face today, as I don’t think you have the coping skills for a real crisis.

Best,

Your passive aggressive fellow driver

No Title Tuesday

Yesterday I was using a public restroom and the girl in the next stall was talking on her cell phone as she peed. I could not believe it. I thought doing that was something only seen on television commercials or an urband legend at the most.

I flushed twice because I'm spiteful that way.

Next Victim

I was never a big fan of MTV’s Road Rules. I did watch the first couple of all 27 seasons of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge though. It was there that I first saw Theo Vonkurnatowski.

I don’t like Theo. He’s obnoxious and there’s something amiss about his face. I love reality TV, but it makes me insane when people are able to earn a living off appearing in one show after another. Am I jealous? Probably.

Theo’s impressive resume includes:

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Seasons
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes 2
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: He Says/She Says: Battle for the Battle of the Sexes (host)
The Real World/Road Rules Casting Special 2001 (host)
Road Rules Season 9: The Maximum Velocity Tour
Battle of the Network Reality Stars
He’s thanked on Josh Kelley's album "For the Ride Home." WTF?

Imagine my surprise when I recently saw Theo on Last Comic Standing. He’s changed his name to Theo Von. Oddly enough, that’s something we have in common. If my husband’s ancestors hadn’t shortened their surname, I too would have one with as many syllables as Vonkurnatowski.

On last week’s episode he said “I was on MTV Road Rules years ago. I feel like a lot of times people don’t take me seriously as a comedian because I’ve been on television before. Let’s put it up on the stage, let’s see what’s going on.”

Apparently I’m not the only one who's sick of him. Here’s a quote from realityblurred.com: “No, we don’t take you seriously because you’re pretending as though you didn’t also appear on five Challenge shows—including one that debuted 22 hours earlier!—and Bravo’s train wreck Battle of the Network Reality Stars.”

Theo didn’t make it past the second round in Last Comic Standing. He wasn’t that funny anyway, but I think the real reason this happened is so that he’ll have to get an actual job. Hey Theo – it’s called health insurance. It’s called a 401K. And it’s also called a reason to get out of bed before 2:00 pm every day. Try it, it’s about time.