Shopping for Dummies

Alternate title: My Wednesday Afternoon

1. Stupidly think that the mall won't be crowded because people work on Wednesdays.

2. Forget all gift cards at home.

3. Swear quietly when you realize this.

4. Eat a pretzel.

5. Walk by Bath and Body Works 3 times to see if the crowd inside is still agoraphobia-inducing thick.

6. Dodge several children wearing those shoes with wheels on the bottom.

7. Buy hair products at Trade Secret, then wince when the cashier reflexively looks at your unwashed hair.

8. Buy a bunch of useless crap with the rationale that it's 50% off.

9. Tell your best friend over the phone that the mall is a cluster-fuck.

10. Round a bookshelf to realize that you just taught young children a new word.

3 More Days

I just got a new client. A young woman by the name of Klinique. My Christmas vacation can't come fast enough.

Oh, Ashley

You broke our hearts yesterday. We understand though, because not all cats get to live to be almost 19. You gave new meaning to the name Badass. When you were very little you’d climb the drapes and the fireplace bricks. If someone were talking too loudly while you were sleeping on their lap, you’d wake up just long enough to bite a chin, or a nostril, or even an eyelid as if to say “shut the hell up, already.” Remember that time you were bitten by a snake and we stayed up with you all night to see if you’d live? Remember the time I came home and caught you sleeping next to Bridget with your head on her pillow and your arm around her neck as if you were her husband? You even won over Dad. You were a special member of the family and we will miss you.

Last Night at the Christmas Party

Me: Your co-worker just called me ma'am. Does that mean I'm old, or is he just polite?

Joe: He's just polite.

Me: Good answer.

More Bitching

Last week I got my first speeding ticket in three years. I'd been so careful. No more 90 mph on I-10, no more zipping through residential areas. I was on a road that is more like a highway and I was in a great mood. As soon as I crested the hill and saw the motorcycle cops, I knew my three year streak was over.

CHiPs: Any reason why you're going 65 in a 45?
Me: Nope. {In my head - because my new car is sweet and I feel the need for speed.}
CHiPs: Didn't you see the sign back there telling you how fast you're going?
Me: Yep. {In my defense, I slowed down when I saw you.}
CHiPs: Don't you think that's dangerous?
Me: I'm not going to argue with you. {Please don't notice that I'm not wearing my seatbelt, Ponch.}

2 minutes later...

CHiPs: Because of the holidays, I'm cutting everyone a break. I just wrote that you were going 9 over instead of 20.
Me: Thank you. {You're far too kind, even though you were looking for a fight.}
CHiPs: Drive safely.
Me: You betcha.

A Little Christmas Cheer

This morning I was up early and checked our Ebay account. I saw that Joe had won a giftcard to Quizno's Subs. The auction ended last night at 8:47 p.m. Since we don't live and die by Ebay, we hadn't paid for the giftcard by 6:45 a.m. today. This was the nice message from the seller:

I clearly stated Immediate payment, why have i not recieved your payment, should i open a paypal dispute claim? Do you ever plan on paying me? Please contact me, Let me now!!!Communicate!!!
Roockie

This is the response I worked on all day in my mind:

Roockie,

Chill the fuck out, man. Some people only check Ebay once a day. Not paying for an auction within 10 hours does not constitute the need for a Paypal dispute. This makes me think either the card is stolen, or that you desperately need the $20.00. Last time I checked, you couldn't pay rent, pay child support, or buy drugs using your Paypal account, so take it easy already. Oh, and when you want to "yell" at us by email, at least learn basic 3rd grade spelling and grammar, you whiny little bitch.

Up yours,
Cory

I never got to send this letter because Joe made the payment and rose above the bullshit. He's obviously a better person than both Roockie and me.

Joe Thought His New Stocking Was Less Than Masculine...

Until he saw how much worse it could have been...