Yes, I'm Home Again on a Friday Night

Sitemeter never fails to crack me up. The most popular search item is for Sourpuss Alcohol, which I've never heard of. Also how much it costs, where to buy it, and how many calories it has. The searches are always, always from Canada, and the amount of searches rise drastically on Fridays. I guess all those wild and crazy Canadians are trying to get their parties started.

It's So Freaking Hot Here

How hot is it? For starters, I left a magazine in my car today and when I picked it up it fell apart because the glue had melted.

We're going to south Florida this Saturday. I think we're wicked smart.

I Probably Shouldn't Have Access To A Debit Card

Last week I had to train a bunch of people at work, therefore I had to make a trillion copies and assemble packets. I gave myself a 15 minute window to complete this task. Surprise! I was the only person in the office and the copy machine was out of toner. I couldn't tell you where extra toner was, and highly doubt that we even had a backup. I booked it to Kinko's and made the copies just in time. For the low price of $45.53. I'm almost afraid to submit the receipt for reimbursement.

Later that day I went to the grocery store and noticed that they had manchego cheese, which I'd been wanting to try. I couldn't find a price, and didn't think it would cost that much. When I got home and looked at the receipt, I saw that it cost $7.83 for a 4 oz. piece. I don't normally spend that kind of money on cheese, being lactose intolerant and all. The worst part is that it's so delicious and I can't wait to buy some more. Only 57% of the calories come from fat, so I don't see why I shouldn't.

Little Bunny Frou Frou

I was just watching the news and saw a story about a pet python who ate a queen-sized electric blanket - which was still plugged in. This happened when it was enjoying its weekly meal of a bunny [Oh my freaking God! Who could feed a cute little helpless bunny to a disgusting snake every week? That borders on psychotic in my opinion, but then owning an 82 foot long snake does too]. It took two hours for the vet to remove the blanket. The snake's owners have some serious issues:

1. They own a snake who could eat them in their sleep.
2. They have no problem buying and sacrificing precious animals to sustain this beast.
3. They feed the snake on their bed.
4. They use an electric blanket. In July. If Missouri is in a state of emergency from the heat, I can't imagine that it's much cooler where they live.

Other People, They Make Me Laugh

My friend Beverly talking about someone who angered her:

She's a hater. She's just a big old glass of Hatorade.

My two-year-old nephew, when asked if he wanted to be put in time out:

YEAH!!!

My sister from her desk at work:

Someone in my scent radius is wearing baby lotion. Baby lotion! On an adult! Someone else is clipping their nails. I have to cover up my coffee cup in case one comes flying over my cubicle wall.

*******

Yeah. I think I'm going to stop trying to bake gluten-free bread.

Well, I'll Be Damned

My job requires me to spend long periods of the day in other people's homes. Through this arrangement I get to hear/watch/allow myself to be distracted by some ordinarily non-preferred TV shows. I'm current on all the comings and goings of As The World Turns, which I haven't watched in 15 years. I watch way too much Dr. Phil, and if I never see another court show, it will be far too soon.

Maury Povich has sunk to new depths. Was he once a respected journalist, or was that something I dreamed up? If you're not watching his show, he specializes in paternity testing. It's all very dramatic in a Jerry-Springer-Rikki-Lake-I'm-not-your-baby's-daddy-fist-fight sort of way. Today there was a woman who told her tale of giving up a baby 22 years ago because she was homeless, etc. A family member ran into the long lost daughter and said "you look like so and so." The daughter told the family member that she was adopted and her birthday was ____. Of course it was the exact same day that the woman gave her baby up for adoption.

The tears started flowing before the test results were even announced. When it was determined that the long lost daughter was indeed the woman's, I had to excuse myself from the room. The fact that a Maury Povich episode touched me makes me loathe myself in new and different ways. I can't even blame this on PMS.

Oh, Nooooo!

I just noticed that Joe was drinking a bright red concoction that I don't remember buying. I asked him what it was, and he said that it was Kool Aid. That he bought in college 12 years ago. Or was it 15?

I am horrified. He started to tell me that we may have some Spam that's around 6 years old. My reply was "Thank you. I haven't had anything to blog about lately."

My Recipe For Creamed Corn

• Cut the kernals off 4-5 ears of fresh corn.
• Saute in a skillet with no less than 1/2 stick of butter.
• Add salt and pepper.
• Stir often.
• Turn down heat and add a little milk. Allow to simmer.
• Serve corn and exclaim "Oh my God, this is right up there with my mother's!" (Quick aside - I've never once heard her compliment her own cooking. It may be a Southern thing that I didn't inherit.)
• Wrap up uneaten corn.
• All next day say little prayers that your husband didn't eat the corn before you could get home.
• Heave a sigh of relief when you see that he didn't.
• Microwave for two minutes.
• Eat entire bowl in less than 3 minutes, crying out to the cats "this is some of my best work ever!"
• Lie on couch moaning in pain and holding stomach for the rest of the evening.
  

Further Evidence That I Married My Father

(And that makes me feel kinda icky on the inside.)

While growing up, my dad pretended to hate all of our pets. The cat we've had the longest (18 yrs.) still lives with him. Initially, he told everyone that my sister and I left her there when we went to college, and "oh-damned-cat-how-I-hate-her" became his mantra. This cat has it pretty good for being so hated. She eats nothing but Science Diet food, which requires him to drive 30 minutes to buy. She sleeps in his bed and they cuddle while watching TV each night.

I've had my cats for 9 years now. When Joe and I first discussed living together, I said "what about the cats?" I was prepared to give the "we're a package deal" speech, but didn't have to because he said "they can come too." No problem, I thought.

Joe can't be in the same room as a hairball. They literally make him sick (with good reason). The cats are furry, they shed like mad, the litter box stinks, they're loud, and I really think he comes from the school of thought that real men only like dogs.

When I got home today, I guess I opened the front door quietly or too quickly, because I caught him lying on the couch with one of the cats. She may have even been touching him. I yelled "busted!" and haven't been able to stop laughing since. He's never going to live this one down.

It's Only Monday and I've Already Been to ABC Liquors

I saw this on a wine bottle named "Big Ass Chard" and thought it was worth sharing:


It should probably be offensive, but I like that they made the guy fat too. Not as fat, but not exactly Jack Sprat. I didn't mean for that to rhyme. I should stop drinking now.

Let's Do This

I stole this from someone who doesn't read my blog, so it's all good.

Only Drinks in my hell:

* Red Bull and vodka
* White Zinfandel
* All beer since it gives me migraines
* Peach Nehi soda (did I spell that right?) and all other flavors as well.

Only Food in my hell:

* Pickled beets
* Okra
* Mustard
* Organ meats or any meat that shouldn't be eaten by humans i.e. dog, cat, horse.

Only Occupations in my hell:

* Anything requiring me to work in the hot sun
* Customer Service rep
* Collections agent
* Anything involving numbers such as a CPA

Only Music in my hell:

* Yanni
* Kenny G
* Christian Pop
* All Country (sorry friends)

Only President in my hell:

* I'm not going to get into this one. I'll only say that if a democrat had won the last election, we'd all hate him too.

Only Authors in my hell:

* Danielle Steele
* Maeve Binchy
* Fern Michaels
* Any romance writer who has featured Fabio on a cover

Only Husbands in my hell:

* Cheaters
* Liars
* Someone who refuses to work
* Someone who can't be trusted with money (gambler, heavy drinker, etc.)

Only activities allowed in my hell:

* Mowing the lawn
* GYN exams
* Spending any time out in the sun and/or heat
* Having yard sales

I Know the Answer is "No One Cares, You Self-Absorbed Pain in the Ass"

But the question still remains: What am I going to wear these with?


These shoes are so pretty that I want to lick them. Unfortunately, everyone else at the outlet mall thought so too, because the only color left in my size was "crushed berry." I only wear black shoes. Twice a year I wear brown. I may just wear them around the house in my pajamas. What? I've done that with other new shoes before. It's totally normal.

I'm Scared

Phase III of Operation: Class Reunion© possessed me to pay a small fortune for these yesterday. It brought back memories of that summer four years ago when my BFF* and I used the original, wimpy Crest Whitestrips for what I believe was Operation: We're Both Single at the Same Time, So Let's Find New Boyfriends©.

I can't describe the pain and misery these caused. Sure, they worked, but at what price? I had to give up margaritas and everything else sour for several months. We had to invent a new language which involved moving our mouths as little as possible. We had to turn away the air conditioning vents in our cars because the air blowing on our teeth was agony. We may have shed a few tears from time. Someone may have even explained to her boss why she was acting so funny. But our teeth were white. We must have recovered before meeting our new boyfriends, because really, who wants to date a girl who has to rearrange every part of her life to minimize teeth pain caused by vanity?

*My BFF is no secret, I just didn't want to throw her under the bus. Wait a minute, I just remembered her post about me getting so drunk I lay face down on the grass in front of a Denny's. In a dress and heels. Nevermind, CHRISTINE!

Ain't No Tired Like Having House Guests Tired

My cousin and his family visited us for the loooong weekend. We had a par-tay (suck it next door neighbors) and I got to use my pretty gay pride lanterns:


We went to the zoo. I will tell you that this fellow was catching something in his hand, but I won't tell you what it was or whether or not he ate it afterwards. Some things are better left unsaid:


This precious little bundle got lost in a department store, which shaved a few years off my life:


We saw fireworks:


That's it for making complete sentences tonight. Hope everyone had a good holiday.

You May Have To Live in Florida To Appreciate This One

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

*Updated to add - I didn't make this up, I got it in an email. My creativity is limited, you know.