Note to Self:

Don't ever go to Target on the last night of tax free week again.

I'm In a Funky Way

Last night I was driving home after happy hour and I happened to be listening to the 90’s station on XM. The song “Vibeology” by Paula Abdul was playing, and I was horrified that I remembered every single word of it. I may have even liked it when it came out. Now that I think about it, I remember riding around with my friend Alicia and singing it loudly. Is this song as embarrassing to Paula now as it is to me? How am I supposed to respect her and take her seriously as an American Idol judge now?

Well, the hits kept coming, and I ended up sitting in my driveway and singing EVERY SINGLE WORD of “Step by Step” by New Kids on the Block. What the fuck? Eventually the spell was broken when they played something by Shaggy. Good thing or I would probably still be sitting out there now.

Below are the lyrics for us all to enjoy. I think I broke my Spellcheck on this shit:

Ooh work it baby
A give me that vibe
Uh what is it?
Ya got that vibeology
That V-I-B-Eology
Your body is pumped
Next to me
Ya got that sensuality
And oh I love what ya do
When ya do what ya do
Ya got me pumped
In the groove
When ya move
I'm in a funky way I'm
I'm in a funky way I'm
Horny horns!!
I'm in a funky way a
Give me that
I'm in a funky way a
Give me that vibeology
Vibeology now what is that?
Well it's the study
Of the chemistry
Between you and me.
Vibeology
Feelings you send me
Vibeology
A funky beat and then he's
Ooh Vibeology
Oh the vibes the vibes
Vibeology
Ayee, ayee...
I'm in a funky way a
Give me that
I'm in a funky way a
Give me that vibe
I'm in a funky way a
Give me thatVibeology
Those vibes they keep
Getting to me
I don't know what to do
A give me that vibe
I'm in a funky way
Oh I'm in a
A give me that vibe
I'm in a funky way
Vibeology
I'm in a
Uh it would be very
Unvibeolistic of you to
Uhruh
Not get into the vibes
I'm Sending you
Right there uh you see
Love is like a...
And oh I love what ya do
Ya got me pumped
In the groove
When ya move
I'm in a funky way
Vibeology
A funky beat and then he's
Ooh
Vibeology
Oh the vibes the vibes
Vibeology
Ayee...ayee…

You Say Potato

Since the day that we subscribed to Netflix a couple of months ago, Joe and I have disagreed about the pronunciation of the word “Queue.” I have no personal experience with this word, but I do know that English was always my strong subject. I am usually the one who people come to when they need a definition or want to know how to spell a word. I pronounce it “Quay.” Joe, whose strong subjects were advanced calculus and quantum physics, but who pronounces shallots “sha-lotts,” pronounces it “Cue.” One night I was talking to my sister on the phone and we were giving each other movie recommendations. I said “I’ll add that to my Quay.” She began laughing hysterically and said “No, no, no, it’s pronounced “Cue!” Joe, who was sitting next to me, caught wind of this and they started double teaming me with increasing levels of glee. Now I know how it feels to be the youngest of three kids who are tortured by the older ones. I began to panic and did the only thing I could think of. I yelled “I’M CALLING MOM!” and hung up on my sister.

I stand corrected.

Bitch Brigade

Tonight I have a meeting of the Bitch Brigade. This is a group of women who I met when we all worked together in a land where crazy ruled, the maintenance man had more power than the program directors, and it was not unusual for someone to quit after their first day on the job. This group was started as a sanity-saving measure, but we have stuck together and continued to meet weekly, if only to shudder at the memories, drink lots of vodka, and talk about sex.

The last time we met at the place we're going tonight, Lisa wanted us to meet a man who was a romantic possibility. He sat down and we all made polite small talk. That is, until Erika made Melanie laugh so hard that she simultaneously spewed beer out of her nose and wet her pants.

I'm not sure he ever called Lisa again.

The Heat Has Effected My Mental Stability

To the CD Warehouse guy: $14.00 is insufficient for the amount of cds I sold to you today.
To my future iPod: You'd better be worth it.
To the stupid fucking dust cloud: Get the hell out of here because I can't breathe.
To the Publix cashier: It would be wise not to say "yeah" after customers say "thank you."
To Archway: Thank you for making such delicious cookies, namely the iced molasses ones.
To Me: You're not real bright for eating most of the package of cookies on the way home.
To Bob Sheiffer: Thank you for making the news bearable. I like your smirk and your snappy ties.
To Spellcheck: Fuck is too a word.

Summertime Haiku

Oh Summer you suck
My hair looks like an afro
I hate you so much

Oh Summer you blow
It is 8 hundred degrees
And that’s in the shade

Summer, I hate you
All my shows are in reruns
Kids are in the streets

Summer, how could you?
Burned my feet on the driveway
Next to dried earthworms

Oh Summer, you dick
Your name should be “Oppressive”
It’s so hard to breathe

Summer, my worst foe
Spontaneous Combustion
What? It could happen

More Ratings and Whatnot

Surreal Life 5 – Hot diggity. Is this a train wreck or what? Janice Dickinson makes even Omarosa look like a nice person. I can tell that Janice is playing to her audience and being the crazy "first supermodel" plastic surgery junkie that she is, but she crossed the line during the bowling episode. Even retarded people know that calling someone “retard” is offensive. And calling someone "Rainman"? Oh no she didn’t. What bothers me the most is that this bitch is raising children who will grow up to be just as nuts as she is. I can’t wait until next week. I give it an A so far.

Ted’s Montana Grille – Hmmmm. Where to begin? We met our friends Theresa and Chris and their two precious daughters here last Sunday. I already border on being a vegetarian some days because I’m so repulsed by meat. Other days all I want is a big steak. Anyway, I’m in one of my anti-meat moods lately and the thought of eating somewhere that served so much Bison freaked me out. Because of my years upon years in the restaurant industry, I am a “foodie,” though I’ve never used that word in a sentence until now. I know good food, and enjoy trying new things, but I will never jump on this bandwagon of thinking that game meat is nouvelle cuisine. I may have formed these opinions based on growing up in Smalltown, FL where everyone had a gun rack and dog cages in their pickup trucks. Here is my free association with game meat: Venison – something the men in my hometown would hunt for and feed their families with for an entire winter. If you hit a deer with your car, you didn’t even have to put forth the effort to strap on your hunting gear and load up the dogs – and no, I’m not kidding. Quail – birds that sit on telephone wires that boys shoot with pellet guns. Elk – aren’t they endangered? Rocky Mountain Oysters – an urban myth because I can’t imagine anyone putting those in their mouth. Bison – disgusting, dirty animals that the Indians would hunt and use their hides for blankets. Ugh. So back to my review: the husbands got bison burgers and enjoyed them thoroughly. Because Joe and I play little games to amuse ourselves, I agreed to eat a bite of his hamburger in exchange for getting to pick that afternoon’s movie. In a blind taste test I would not have gagged, but knowing what I was eating put a real damper on things. The creamed spinach was out of this world, the service was friendly, but inefficient, and they had a revolving door at the front of the restaurant which always scares the shit out of me. To sum up, I probably would not eat here again if given the choice. But in order to spend time with those two little girls again, I would probably eat at Larry’s House of Rocky Mountain Oysters. D

The Wedding Crashers – This is the movie I had to eat bison in order to see, so I probably would not admit that it was bad, had it been bad. It was predictable, but funny, and a nice break from all the psychological thrillers I’ve been seeing lately. It felt like a guilty pleasure and I think Owen and Vince were terrifically cast. Christopher Walken was a bonus, though underutilized. Plus, I can’t imagine any better way to spend an oppressively hot Sunday afternoon than in cold darkness while being forcibly entertained. I give it a B.

Bionaire Hepa Air Cleaner – Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you. My life has drastically improved since the horrid feathers have gone bye bye and my air is once again allergen-free. Though noisy, worth every dime. Even if it is just psychological, I feel so much better. A

Starbucks Apricot Granola Thingy – I am not proud of how much money I spend at Starbucks. When I worked there, a regular customer confided that he spent $300.00 a month there. When you realize that your car payment isn’t even that much, it puts things into perspective quickly. I don’t spend close to that amount, though I could probably sponsor several of Sally Struthers' children instead. Something I get a kick out of is how people try to delude themselves that certain foods are good for them, or low fat, because of the name or a particular ingredient. Since I plan to alienate and offend everyone I know through the writings on this blog, I will tell the story of the day my dear friend Beverly and I were making lunch for our clients, in big assembly line cluster-fuck style. We were making grilled cheese sandwiches that were fried in butter, and she said to me “they’re really not that bad because the bread is whole wheat.” Oh, sweet Beverly. I still laugh when I think about that one. Back to the granola bar: it was thick like a coffee cake with bits of real oatmeal and a layer of delicious apricots. That's where the wholesome goodness ended. There was so much butter and sugar in this thing that I should have just had the Summer Berry Stack which is what I wanted in the first place. Rules to follow when buying Starbucks’ delicious yummies: “lower fat” does not mean low fat, it just means that it has less fat than a Big Mac, and you will never find anything substantial or healthy unless you live in a city big enough that your Starbuckses (?) carry sandwiches and salads, which mine do not. Next time I need something hearty and healthy enough to replace my missed lunch, I will just go to Albertson’s next door and buy something. That would require walking though. C-

Starbucks Green Tea Crème Frappucino – First, I need to make it very clear that I did not pay money for this. I was innocently waiting for my drink and saw that there were free samples in miniature cups sitting on the counter. Based on the pictures I’d already seen, this thing looked so nasty. My mom has a thing about blue drinks; maybe I have one about green. The first taste was sort of like an orange creamsicle. Then everything went wrong and it began to taste quite earthy. Who thought it was a good idea to mix grass and vanilla ice cream? Look Starbucks Concept People: if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. Bring back all the cute seasonal merchandise and my Chocolate Brownie Frappucino and let’s call it a day. Okay? F

Rescue Me Season 2 – I had my reservations about watching this last summer because I didn’t know that Denis Leary was a real actor, and because we already watched Third Watch, which filled the FDNY/NYPD quota for the week. This is the best show on TV right now. Denis is an actor, and a good one at that. His character is a complete fuck up, and I still want him to come live with me so I can take care of him and bake him cookies. I could do without his sex faces though. FX pushes the envelope like no other station. On last week’s episode, they actually said the word “twat” in addition to several other words I’d never heard on prime time television. I would also like to thank FX for filling the void in my life until the next season of Nip/Tuck. A+

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper – Uh, it tastes exactly like regular Diet Dr. Pepper, only it is red in color. What the fuck? C- for leading me on. Tease.

Today

Coolest thing I saw today: Publix provides sanitizing wipes for shopping cart handles.

Most bizarre/compelling thing I saw today: Two lizards mating on the window screen. I feel a little ashamed of myself, but I was looking out the window and saw these two going at it. I got as close as I could without scaring them and I saw that when they were finished, his penis tucked neatly back inside his body in what looked like a kangaroo's pouch. Amazing. I need to go shower now. I feel so dirty.

Seen In Suburban Connecticut

Poor Baby

My cousin Jeff and his family visited us over the July 4th weekend. His daughter is 11 months old and is beautiful in a Sinead O’Connor sort of way (not that Sinead is beautiful – I think she’s a wretched bitch, but I’m trying to say that the child is bald.) So Jeff’s wife dresses the baby in head to toe pink, puts bows in her hair, paints her toenails, and argues the merits of piercing the child’s ears with her husband, all because she's tired of strangers saying “what a cute little boy!” So Saturday night my dad comes over, says hello to everyone, pats her on the head and says “Hi there little guy.”

Bad Day Turned Good

Yesterday I left work a little early. Every time I do this, my Karma slaps me right in the face. Normally it is in the form of a big project, or a new client, etc. Anyway, whenever I leave early on a Friday I know it’s coming and I brace myself. I drove down to the good mall because I had an NY&Co. coupon and the store closer to my house is closed for renovations. I had to park far away because apparently everyone left work early that day. It was pouring rain with no end in sight. I walked as fast as I could and prayed the entire time because the lightning and thunder were happening simultaneously right above my head and I was holding onto a metal pole in the shape of an umbrella. Do you know how hard it is to walk fast in wet flip flops? Your feet either fall out or are jammed so far forward that it is painful. I make it into the mall without serious injury, but with the uncomfortable and slightly embarrassing problem of my jeans being soaking wet to my knees. I shiver uncontrollably down the escalator to find that the fucking NY&Co. is CLOSED FOR RENOVATIONS! Argh. They are sending me excellent coupons just to taunt me, knowing full well that every store in a 30 mile radius is closed. Ok, fine. I have a couple of other errands to run while at the mall. First, I can’t find the enormous Hallmark store in its usual location. I can’t even find a crappy Carlton Cards or anything. Second, I go into a Limited Too for the first and hopefully last time in my life to get my niece a birthday gift. When I have passed this store before, it always looked like a cute lavender and pink haven in which I would have manipulated my mother into shopping. Fortunately for her, she was only manipulated into shopping at Au Coton, but that is another story for another day. This Limited Too looked like someone threw up in it. It was jam packed with every piece of clothing, shoe, bathing suit, boogie board, toy, candy, etc. that a preteen girl could beg her parent for. I was completely overwhelmed by the choices and sizes and kids running around, so Megan will be receiving a gift card this year. I made it out of the mall, through the torrential downpour, and into my car in one piece. Any part of my jeans that had dried, were now wet again so I decided to drive through Starbucks for some tea to warm up. This is when my luck changed, maybe because my Karma decided to take off early on Friday too. When I pulled up to the window the kid handed me my tea and said “on the house.” That has never happened to me before. I drove off after pulling him through the window and kissing him full on the mouth. I stopped by Barnes & Noble and almost tripped over a group of teenagers sitting on the floor making posters. “What’s going on?” I thought, and then remembered that the latest Harry Potter was going on sale at midnight. Oh my God. I haven’t laughed this hard all day. I hear the cashiers telling customers to come back at 6:00 pm to get their lottery ticket for a place in line to buy the book. Concerts, ok. Star Trek movies – I don’t get it – but ok. Harry Potter book? Give me a break, losers. I don’t know how J.K. Rowling can handle the pressure not to let down all the Muggles each time. I had to get the hell out of there, so I made my way home and find that my mother’s birthday gift had arrived early. It's an original Little Golden Book of “Little Black Sambo,” which the censorship Nazis stopped publishing because it was considered racist. This was one of the two books my mom and aunt had when they were kids. I am so happy at this point with visions of my mama crying from nostalgic joy when she opens it. Anyway, I got in the house, dried off, opened a beautiful handmade afghan that was sent as a wedding present, cried a little, ate a tasty chicken dinner, and sat on the couch for the rest of the evening with my best pal. I hope you did the same, Karma.

Ratings, Reviews, and a few Rantings.

Dark Water – I am a huge Jennifer Connelly, psychological thriller, and NYC fan, but none of those things could save this movie. While the plot was somewhat clever, I felt like the same scenes were being repeated over and over. I believe that Joe took a quick nap in the theatre, I don’t like sad endings, I had to check my watch at some point, and therefore I give it a C-. Sorry, Jennifer.

War of the Worlds – I protested seeing this movie ever since Tom Cruise went off the deep end, but it was raining all weekend, I wanted popcorn, and there were very few movies that we could agree on. I honestly didn’t want to put another dime in that maniac’s pocket, or should I say the Church of Scientology’s pocket. I do like Dakota Fanning even though she’s in a really awkward stage right now. Again, the whole movie was the same scene over and over with the running and the carrying and the destroying of the people. Highly implausible ending. I did have to check my watch more than once and the blood grossed me out, so I give it a C.

Starbucks Coffee Almond Fudge ice cream – Holy crap this is good. It may just replace Baskin Robbins’ Jamoca Almond Fudge because it is as creamy and rich as Hagaan Dazs or Ben & Jerry’s. The only drawback is that it is loaded with caffeine and I have to be overly conscious of what time I eat it. That and the fat content alone, which I try not to think about. There is the added bonus that I am the only one in the house who likes coffee-flavored products, so I don’t have to worry about sharing. I give it an A.

Starbucks Lemon Crumb bar (do you sense a pattern here?) – since I worked at Starbucks for about 9 months a few years ago, it has taken this long to even want to purchase anything out of their dessert case. Not that it is poor quality, or mishandled in a disgusting fashion, but because I was sick of everything they make. This lemon crumb bar threw me against the wall, snatched me up by my shirt collar and said “you will start to come here several times a week again, bitch.” The lemony goodness was like that in a lemon bar. There was minimal crust which gives me heartburn, so that was good. I didn’t really need the crumb topping, but the best part was the consistency the lemon filling took when it was refrigerated. Yowza. I give it an A.

My new faux feather mattress topper – I don’t even know the brand name, nor do I care, just that I bought it at Target, had a wonderful night’s sleep last night, and am no longer dying a slow and painful death by way of feather allergens. A++

Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities – It's rare that I buy a new book and pay full price for it. I was so excited when I saw this book – it was actually on the New York Times’ bestseller list, and while I don’t have total disdain for sororities, I witnessed a fair share of fucked up practices, rituals, customs, and beliefs while visiting my friend Barbara at UF in the early 90’s. I can’t make it to page 20 in this book. The writer can’t decide if she wants it to be documentary style, or if she wants it to read like a novel. I can’t keep up with all the names and combinations of Greek letters. It makes my head hurt. I am determined to finish it though and pass it on to my friends who were in sororities so that we can chat since I can’t find a book club in my city of 1 million people. So far I give it an F.

Equate Exfoliating Daily Facial Cloths – fuck these. Anything that is Equate brand automatically goes down several points before it is even opened. How this all happened: 1. I found myself at Wal Mart for reasons I don’t remember - maybe my blood sugar was low. 2. I remember that I need something to clean my face with. 3. I buy the largest package of these that I can find so that I don’t have to come back to Wal Mart this year. 4. My face breaks out immediately. 5. I am stuck with 179 more of these. Lesson learned: go with your instincts and stay the hell away from Wal Mart. F-

Prozac Nation – Why? Books should never be made into movies, or maybe I should just stop reading altogether so that I’m never disappointed. This movie blew. It jumped from here to there and back again, and so much was skipped over because it was only 96 minutes long. Christina Ricci could not have been better cast as Elizabeth because she is a dead ringer. Jessica Lange was the high point – I love when she plays crazy. She did a bang-up job. Now I have to read the book again to sort out some of the confusion in my head. I give it a D+ only because of Jessica.

I Obviously Have a Fucked Up Sense of Humor

Injustices and Sacrileges

Injustices and Sacrileges:

1. When your XM antenna is broken and you only have two crappy radio stations in your METROPOLITAN city, and they are playing the same crappy Evanesence song at the same time.
2. That Rita’s Italian Ice has discontinued lemon. When I want an Italian ice, 9 times out of 10 I want a traditional lemon – sometimes a raspberry if I’m feeling sassy. I know no one who would want chocolate chip or cinnamon apple.
3. That hurricanes feel the need to rip through the exact same spot two years in a row, and sometimes twice in one season.
4. That show about finding a new lead singer for INXS. Ouch. INXS was my favorite band from “What you need” through “Suicide Blond,” which were also the formative years between 5th and 12th grade. Please honor the dearly departed Michael Hutchence and quit this foolishness.
5. The news story about some redneck asshole in Brunswick, GA who is poisoning the Canada Geese in his development. Why not just get out yer big ol' shotgun and shoot em up? Dick.

Things to be Happy About:

1. Joe surprised me with a new briefcase after I lost mine like a numbskull. He didn't even call me a numbskull - I did that.
2. I found the root of my ear/sinus/congestion/allergy hell: genuine goose down feather bed mattress topper. Mad props to Christine for figuring out that one.
3. Prozac Nation will be delivered today via Netflix. I have wanted to see this movie since it was made 5 years ago, but never released.
4. I made the executive decision to not attend an annual conference that I go to every year. That would be the 3rd major trip in as many weeks in September. I feel so light and free.
5. I am meeting my friends at the Mellow Mushroom tonight and they make the best hummus I’ve ever had. My stomach just growled thinking about it.

Revelation

The other night I was watching that episode of Seinfeld where something, something, something, and then Kramer said “Why do they ask you for your phone number at Radio Shack when you buy batteries?” Remember that one?

A while ago Joe told me that whenever someone random asks him for his phone number like that, he gives them our neighborhood pizza parlor’s number. I don’t know why, maybe because it's easier than having to make one up each time. I started doing this too, especially when the cashiers at NY&Co. started asking me for mine. I never understood why they did this until the day I was checking out at Bath & Body Works and the girl was all “Can I have your phone number so we can send you coupons?” And I was all “How are you going to send me coupons by phone?” And she was all “The computer looks up the address based on the phone number.” And then the clouds parted and the sun came out.

I have to go to Tonino's now and pick up all of my coupons.

Stop It Already

So Jerry Hall is the latest person to perplex me. I have been so strong, and not watched her reality show once this summer! I don’t care about her looks or love life or whatever. It’s her goddamned accent. She needs to pick either Southern or British—preferably Southern since she is in no way British—and stop fading in and out and overlapping them. Shit. She is right up there with Madonna and Kathleen Turner. Is it a conscious decision? Because we all know the truth ladies: Texas, Michigan and Missouri, respectfully. Cut that shit out.

My current project is copying all my cds to my computer, selling all my cds, and applying all proceeds to buying an iPod. This is a brilliant plan on so many levels: a) clutter fucks with my my feng shui, b) I am cheap, c) it makes me feel smart that I know how to copy music onto my hard drive. Who knows, sending pictures by email might be next.

In other boring news, the doctor thinks the inner ear infection is now an allergy. I'm on antihistamines and ear drops that kill "bacteria and fungus" - ugh. This theory explains the post nasal drip, the chest congestion, and the feeling that my head is going to explode via my cheekbones. Since I am highly qualified I prefer to diagnose myself, preferably with the worst possible ailment. I disagreed with her decision and thought about it for the rest of the day.

Me: But I don't have allergies anymore.
Kitty #1: Sure you don't.
Me: I had my colon cleansed. I didn't go through that for nothing.
Kitty #2: Can you brush my nappy coat for me? Oh, and there's a hairball on the couch for you.
Kitty #1: Mom, can you pick up some more Head and Shoulders because this dandruff on my back is really interfering with my social life.
Me: Son of a bitch.
Joe: Unable to comment because he ran out the back door and broke into cartwheels at the thought of getting rid of his beloved Barf and Bagpipes.
Me (yelling out the back door): They're staying Jerky!

In the meantime, my mucus membranes are presently looking for a good home and will be at the local Petsmart adoption fair this Saturday between 8:00 am and 4:00 pm.

Happy 4th of July

Another Reason I Don't Like Summer

As I sit here and watch the finale of The Real Gilligan’s Island, I am painfully reminded of how much summertime tv sucks. I remember the train wrecks that were Paradise Hotel, The Simple Life, and The Restaurant and how I actually looked forward to them every week out of absolute necessity. I am so glad that Gilligan’s Island is over because a) it was a stupid Survivor knockoff with no originality, and b) if Skipper Charlie said “It’s on like a chicken bone” one more time; I was going to rip off my skull and hurl it at the television set. I live in Redneckville, USA and I have never before heard that expression.

This summer the only things saving my sanity are Netflix, 30 Days (Morgan Spurlock is oddly compelling and totally sexy), and new episodes of Rescue Me. I was really excited about the new season of Bridezillas, but they have made it less of a documentary and more of a parody, replete with theme song and everything. I tried very hard to watch Being Bobby Brown, but was horrified and disgusted. They are complete morons. Case in point: they went to the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas at the height of tourist season, with a camera crew, and then acted all put out when people stared and wanted their autographs. The strangest part is that Bobby and Whitney are absolute batshit crazy soul mates. They act like teenagers, and neither is worse than the other. It is perfectly normal to break into a slow dance in a crowded hallway or to dance and make up a song while buying sunglasses. I’ll probably keep watching, just for these moments, and to help me feel better about my own life.