Like The Movie

Yesterday found me in Bath & Body Works again. One of my many quirks is the inability to have a gift card in my wallet and not spend it. I don’t understand all that stuff about savoring it and enjoying the anticipation. Screw that, I choose instant gratification every time.

I don’t get the concept of this store anymore. They’ve got the original line of products, the aromatherapy line, the Breathe line, the Tutti Dolci line, Henri Bendel candles, all the shea butter stuff, seasonal stuff, kids’ stuff, antibacterial stuff, and for less obvious reasons, candy. I finally settled on some butter cream scented hand lotion (which makes me want to lick my hands), and a few things from the C.O. Bigelow line, which I am compelled to refer to as the “Deuce Bigelow Male Gigolo” line. You know, for more obvious reasons.

Happy Monday

I'm a lucky woman. I am 32 and have the skin problems of someone 20 years younger than me. My skin seems to get worse as the years go by. Just for kicks I went on Sonya Dakar's website and asked for a skincare analysis or some crap. This is what I got back:

After reviewing your information, I have come up with a regimen to work with your skin type. I have chosen:

Bergamot Wash: (am & pm) Soothing wash that leaves skin feeling soft and pure while ridding excess oils…No harsh drying detergents
Triple Action Organic Scrub: (Irritation) (pm, 3x/week) Decongest pores w/ linipack seeds (3 sizes) to deep pore cleanse, polish, and brighten.
Irritation Relief Complex: Therapeutic skin prep to reduce redness and sensitivity…w/ bacopa monniera and marine extracts!
Aromasol Mist: (Acne) (am & as needed, throughout day) Post cleansing toner and shine control (for your purse), antibacterial…NO Alcohol…this will help control unnecessary breakouts by eliminating bacteria!!!!
Seaweed Liposomes Gel: (Acne) (am &pm)Direct topical vitamin boost to the skin…protect against free radical damage and detox for skin
Cellular Patch Cream: Proven to reduce wrinkles, increase collagen synthesis, and firm by 55%!
Omega-3 Repair Complex: (Discoloration) (am & pm) Strengthens skin…essential for healthy tissue development and balances sebum by restoring natural moisture levels.
Hydrasoft Lotion: (Irritation) (am & pm) ULTRA-light moisture lotion.
Visualift Eye Cream: NEW!!! Just featured TOP 75 in Town & Country magazine to lift and firm eye area while reducing fine lines and wrinkles!
Acne Fighter: Blemish spot treatment w/ benzoyl peroxide, sulfur, and aloe vera!

Yeah...this regimen may work for someone who is willing to pay upwards of $700 for skincare products on a regular basis. It may even work for someone who is very disciplined. This would never work for someone like me who has a short attention span, is extremely lazy, and who is lucky if she gets the shampoo and conditioner in the right order and walks out of the house in matching shoes in the morning.

Here are some tips for clearing your skin above and beyond your skincare routine:
-Drink at least 8 – 10 glasses of water a day…take half of your weight, divide by 8 = minimum glasses of water /day!!!
-Get plenty of sleep
-Avoid dairy products, shellfish, flour, sugar, and caffeine.
-Eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and take a multivitamin.
-Consider a supplement such as apple pectin, spirulina, or acidophilus to aid in digestion!

Mmmkay. I do drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. I refuse to even enter my weight into a calculator to divide it by 8. Plenty of sleep? Check. Avoid flour, sugar, and caffeine? Not bloody likely. I already take a multivitamin, and do Prilosec and Lactaid count as supplements? I will probably just stick to Oxy products and complain about my acne just like any other adolescent would. P.S. exclamation points are unnecessary and unprofessional when you are trying to sell me something.

In other news: We received our first Christmas card of the season today from a couple you may know named George and Laura Bush. Please don't ask me how this happens every year, because I can't answer that.

What I Did While I Was Gone:

1. Sprayed Reddi Whip directly into my mouth. More than once.
2. Found out that Mikasa has quite a little racket going on selling fake shit under the assumed name “china.”
3. Listened to my 18-month-old nephew say “wow,” “alright,” and “oh boy” 18,000 times and smiled each time.
4. Suffered from heartburn all weekend due to excessive eating and drinking of the chardonnay.
5. Found out that Nick and Jessica are separating. This time for real.
6. Sorted all my Christmas ornaments into two categories: broken and unbroken.
7. Gave relationship advice to a gay man.
8. Made a surprisingly good seafood lasagna for the first time.
9. Drained my car battery by leaving my XM receiver on for four straight days. Again.
10. Discovered an entire untouched pumpkin pie in the refrigerator on Sunday after everyone left.

This Is All Somehow Joe's Fault

When Joe and I moved in together two years ago, he mentioned that the only thing of mine that he didn’t like was my old, rusted, white coffee maker. I didn’t take offense since I’d had this coffee maker for years and probably did need a new one. The ice was then broken and I felt like I could fairly pick one thing of his to get rid of. It was an arrangement of RED and PURPLE silk tulips in some kind of an urn (a gift, no doubt) that sat on the dining room table. This thing was bigger and taller than a medium-sized child and matched nothing in the house. Things worked out in my favor though, because the tulips went up into the attic, and he bought me a new coffee maker.

Joe will drive across town to save a quarter on a can of tuna fish, but he does not skimp in the gift department. He researched and shopped around and surprised me with the most magnificent coffee maker I ever did see. It was a Melitta and it actually ground the beans inside the machine with little mess and made a great cup of coffee. The only problem was that there was a design flaw, and a vital part of it broke several months ago. It was still operable, but not really, and I was bothered by the unsightly black Velcro that was holding the thing together.

Last week I decided that I’d just go ahead and buy a new machine, because I can rationalize spending a lot of money on absolute necessities i.e. food, shelter, electricity, and coffee. I knew I had to have a machine that ground the beans inside, because once you have known this sort of Heaven, there’s no turning back. All Melitta products were immediately ruled out, and the only thing left was this way complicated Cuisinart model. It makes an even better cup of coffee, and it’s totally worth cleaning all 16 removable parts each night. It even makes up for me having to take a small electronics operating class at the local community college on Tuesday and Thursday nights to learn how to use it properly.

If You Don’t Know Me By Now

You will never never never know me.

During the last season of Third Watch (may you rest in peace), one of the male characters who was from the city went to his girlfriend’s house in the country to meet her parents. The girlfriend’s dad was going to take him on a tour of the farm and the guy was all nervous and tried to make a joke. He said “did you know that cows are outstanding in their fields?”* The parents just looked at him blankly and one said “was that supposed to be a joke?” It was one of my favorite TV moments and I have not the slightest clue as to why it struck me as so funny.

Today I was shopping at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and I saw a kitchen towel with an embroidered scarecrow and the words “outstanding in my field.” I snatched it right up. Poor quality? Yes. Will I use it? No. Do I even decorate for Thanksgiving? Not really. It will be hung in a place of honor in my kitchen and I will try not to yell at people when they wipe their hands on it. I may keep it out all year long.

*Get it? Like certain professionals are outstanding in their fields and cows are out standing in their fields. It’s hilarious for Pete's sake.

Dear Cindy from the B52’s,

Hi! You don’t know me, but my sister’s friend’s son is your son’s best friend. I’m going to meet you Cindy. I need to know how you go from being a B52 to a suburban mom. I need to see what your hair looks like now, because surely you can’t still have a beehive. I need to hear if your voice really does drip with honey, and if you walk around quietly humming “Rock Lobster.”

The next time my sister’s friend’s son has a birthday party, I’m coming. I don’t care if I’m not invited. I’ll be the childless woman in her thirties jumping around on the Moonwalk with all the six-year-olds. I’ll try to act real cool and promise not to ask you for my own private concert. Hopefully you’ll let me hang out with you and join in your conversations about the good old days when you hung out with R.E.M. in Athens, G-A as y’all call it. Maybe you don’t talk about those things anymore. Maybe your conversations are more geared towards the weather, the price of gasoline, and getting restraining orders against people like me. I’ll take my chances.

Can’t wait to meet you,
Cory

Wednesday Story

Once upon a time when I was in middle school, my friend Daniel had to care for an egg baby. You know how Home Ec classes did this by blowing all of the egg out of the shell? This was an elaborate process that involved naming the egg, drawing a little face on it and maybe even clothes, making a shoebox bed for it, and then carrying the shell around for a week as if it were a baby, and if you broke or lost it, you failed the project.

One afternoon on the school bus my friend Barbara and I devised a plan whereby we would kidnap the egg baby and hold it for ransom. I don’t think Daniel was egg baby father of the year, because we had no problem sneaking away the egg and running home from the bus stop with it. We hid it safely in the woods, then wrote him a note saying that he could have it back after he bought us potato logs from the Jiffy store. {That was one of the most white trash lines I’ve ever written. Potato logs were a delicacy of potatoes cut into wedges, battered and seasoned with salty goodness, then deep fried. They were to be eaten with fried chicken, but were fine alone too. My mouth just watered. I daresay I may still eat potato logs if Jiffy stores existed today.}

On with the story. Daniel had a complete meltdown which probably involved tears. He didn’t give a crap about his actual offspring; he just didn’t want to get in trouble for failing the class. In my memory we tortured this poor boy for several hours, writing more notes and giving more clues. I don’t remember ever getting my potato logs. By the time my parents got home from work, we clued them into our big hilarious scheme. My mom had no time for our foolish games, but my dad went into the refrigerator and got out a real egg. He went outside to where Daniel was standing in the backyard and said “here Daniel, I found your egg” and threw it at him. This happened in slow motion and Daniel’s face got whiter and whiter the closer the egg got to him. He caught it in his hand with a yellowy splat and everyone but he had a good laugh.

Yes, we eventually gave him his baby back. We probably even apologized for our evil doings. Through no fault of ours he later ended up cracking the egg and failing the project anyway.

The End

I Suffer From An Affliction

It's called "must eat gifts meant for other people." It is impossible for me to keep food or alcohol in the house when I know I have to give it away. It's not that I don't want the recipient to have it, it's just that I can't resist the temptation. We usually buy Halloween candy twice - once at the beginning of October, and another time the day before Halloween because the first batch is gone. If I've ever given you a bottle of wine or God forbid Bailey's, it is more than likely the second bottle I've purchased. Box of Godiva? You probably got a book instead. Edible stocking stuffers? Forget about it. Right now I've hidden this jewel from Hickory Farms in a closet. It's a Christmas gift and you can bet it's calling my name. I don't even like summer sausage or those gross mints, but just knowing that it's in my house makes it that much more delectable. If I broke into this basket it would end like this: nothing would taste as good as it looked, I would stuff myself with those bricks of cheese, I would wallow in self hatred along with water crackers, and then I would kick my own ass because Hickory Farms shit is expensive. I speak from experience.

People Are Strange

I understand that you're not supposed to blog about work, especially while at work, but this is too bizarre. I just overheard a staff arguing that she should get paid for the extra hour she worked when the clocks were set back a couple weeks ago. WTF? I know that math is not my forte, but I'm pretty sure that you get paid based on the number of hours worked, not based on what time your watch said when you got off. I'm so glad I don't supervise anyone anymore because reasoning with people like this makes me feel like I'm going to have a stroke.

PMS Makes Me Even Weirder

I am live blogging while watching The Perfect Man. It stars Hilary Duff and her old teeth. She’s a blogger in this movie, and I really don’t want to have anything in common with her or with any character she plays. I haven’t gotten very far into the movie, but I believe I’ve seen it before, when it was called Mermaids and starred Winona Ryder.

Tonight I made a perfectly wholesome dinner of fish, rice, and orange cauliflower (who knew this existed?). When everything was finished, I looked at it and said “yuck,” and prepared beanie weenies instead. I haven’t craved those since I was eight. They were magically delicious, but now I’m eating cold cauliflower with my hands straight out of the Tupperware because of all the guilt. I’ll balance that out with leftover Halloween candy before I go to bed, and the vicious cycle will continue again tomorrow morning.

Happy Birthday Big Daddy

There are so many reasons I love this man. I could talk about how much he has taught me, supported me, been there for me, etc. Instead, I will talk about how he completely gets my sense of humor and all of my obscure references. A couple of years ago he went with me to buy my stupid ass car. At the end of the six hour car buying process (I do not kid), all the Saturn employees had to line up around my car and sing some song which involved raising their fists in the air and yelling "we thank you!" It was excruciating for everyone and it seemed to last for a full five minutes. In the middle of it I turned to him and said "you know they hate this just like the Bennigan's employees do when they have to sing happy birthday." Maybe he was just punch drunk from the many hours spent in that hell hole, but he laughed and hard.

I love you Dad. There is no one I'd rather sit through two hours of Riverdance with.

And That's What I Like About the South

I was shopping at Bath & Body Works today--which incidentally is a fucking nightmare at this time of year--and I overheard a conversation between a mother and daughter. The daughter said "I really like the Sweet Pea." And the mom said in her little Southern accent "they have a sweet tea scent?"

Beef Stew Made My Way

4:00 pm – get home and fart around for awhile.
5:15 pm – decide to make beef stew for dinner which you meant to do days ago.
5:18 pm – take beef out of refrigerator. Stare at it for awhile and wonder if the brown color means it’s spoiled.
5:20 pm – sniff meat. Wrinkle nose. Check the sell by date and see that you are within one day of it being officially bad. Say “oh, what the hell” and start to brown beef.
5:30 pm – add seasoning and water to meat, simmer.
6:17 pm - eat half of a can of Pringles because you are starving.
7:00 pm – cut up an ass load of vegetables, add to pot.
7:45 pm – check to see if the vegetables are tender, as the package instructions said they would be by this time.
7:46 – say a lot of swear words and shake fist because vegetables are still raw.
7:47 – turn up heat and tell husband that we may eat sometime before breakfast tomorrow.
8:30 – check the vegetables and cheer when you see that they are finished.
8:31 – realize that neither husband nor you are hungry anymore.
8:32 – say “oh, what the hell,” and ladle stew into bowls. Serve with store bought corn muffins, because it’s ok to spend 3 hours making the stew, but baking own corn muffins may push you over the edge.
8:35 – burn tongue on extremely hot stew. Say a lot of swear words and shake fist when you realize that corn muffins are in fact vanilla cupcakes with cornmeal dusted on top.

Wednesday Story

Once upon a time when I was but a girl, my mom and I came home after a long day of work and school, respectively. My mom walked up the back steps, unlocked the door and held it open for me. As if in slow motion she fell ass over tea kettle off the steps and into the garbage cans and azalea bush. Her mouth made a perfect O as this happened. After I finally stopped laughing and caught my breath, I helped her up and brushed her off. I'm sure it wasn't the last time she wondered just what the hell kind of daughter she was raising.

The End.

I Wanted To Write More, But I Have To Clean Up Cat Poo Right Now

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Buddy Holly, Dianne Farr, Shannon Elizabeth, Evan Rachel Wood, Corbin Bernsen.

2. Where was your first kiss? In a car.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? Nothing more than sticking maxi pads on someone’s house. Unused off course.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? No, but I've wanted to.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? I once did Karaoke when I was intoxicated. I don't know if there were a lot of people there or if I was just seeing double. I also threw up in a sink that night, bruised my tailbone, and almost got arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. What was the question again?

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? Eyes, smile, and height.

7. What really turns you on? I feel funny answering this one since my mama reads this, so I'll say a sense of humor and good hygiene.

8. What do you order at Starbucks? Grande decaf no foam latte with two Splenda and a side of Lactaid.

9. What is your biggest mistake? A boyfriend whose name I can’t even write here because it still makes me sick.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Not physically.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I have been thirsty all week. I also just finished the last half of what is called a "monster bag" of cotton candy from the fair. It made me even thirstier.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Yes, but I didn’t take it as a compliment.

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows? No. My attention span hardly allows for adult movies and TV shows.

14. Did you have braces? Yes. I can still feel the cold goop that they would make molds from. I always thought I would suffocate because it felt like it was running down my throat. Ugh.

15. Are you comfortable with your height? Yes. I’m completely average and have never felt weird one way or the other. Now that I’m married to someone who’s 6’3”, I suppose I wouldn’t mind being 5’7” or so. It’s not something I ever think about.

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Brought me flowers on our first blind date. What if he hadn’t liked me?

17. When do you know it’s love? Because you can finally relax.

18. Do you speak any other languages? I can read minimal Espanol, but that’s about it. Senora Lemus would be so disappointed in me.

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Yes. I regret it every time I get my moles checked by the dermatologist.

20. What magazines do you read? People, In Touch, Marie Claire, Jane, Organic Style

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes. I find them quite cheesy, which is why I didn’t have one at my wedding.

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? No, thank God.

23. Do you watch mtv? No way. But I am addicted to VH1.

24. What’s something that really annoys you? What doesn't annoy me? Incompetence, deliberate cruelty, passive aggressiveness, rudeness, ignorance, idiots raising little people to be idiots, people who are mean to their kids, people with a sense of entitlement, and presently my 8-year-old house broken cat who just boo-booed on the carpet.

25. What’s something you really like? Sleep, Coca-Cola, reality TV, books that I can't put down, a clean house, high thread count sheets, a perfect cup of coffee, creme brulee.

26. Do you like Michael Jackson? No. He scares the shit out of me.

27. Can you dance? Enough to get by, but I’ve never enjoyed it.

28. What’s the latest you have ever stayed up? One time in college I went skiing with friends and I think I was up for 41 hours straight. It sucked and I haven’t done it since.

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? No.

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? I do, but I'm always thinking about what my answers will be as I read.

Dear Alicia,

Today you turn 32. Congratulations, you've finally caught up to the rest of us hags. I have 16 years of embarrassing moments and stories in my memory bank, but I'll only share one. Remember when we were seniors in high school and we got our graduation announcements with those little name cards that we exchanged? Since you have two middle names and space was limited, you shortened yours to Alicia M. F. T_________. When my father saw this he laughed out loud. He was shocked and truly thought that you did this as a final senior prank. You gained major points in his book because it was such a bad ass thing to do. I almost hated to tell him that the M.F. stood for Mary Francis and not Mother Fucker, as he thought.

Happy Birthday honey. You have a heart bigger than the whole world and you're going to be a great mom.

Love, Cory

My Husband's All Smart Like

Me: So I’m reading this book called Weird Florida and right now I’m on the part about UFO sightings. It’s so cool, but you don’t believe in them right?
Him: I believe in UFOs, I just don’t believe in aliens.
Me: Then who’s driving the UFOs?
Him: People from the future.
Me: Whaaa?
Him: Time travel is a mathematical equation. It’s just like the speed of light; it’s all based on quantum physics.
Me: How did the people get in the future?
Him: They’re our ancestors in about 900 years.
Me: Are they humans or Earthlings?
Him: Yes, or offshoots.
Me: Does that mean we’re really dead right now?
Him: No, but we are in 900 years.
Me: Where do the time travelers live right at this moment when they’re not piloting the UFOs?
Him: They live on Earth in 900 years, or on the moon or Mars which will be colonized by then.
Me: Ok. If these people have not yet been born, how are they coming back to see us?
Him: It’s like they’re coming back to research things. Like looking at a history book or at photographs.
Me: So, we’re like dead?
Him: No. Think about looking at a star. By the time you see it, the light has traveled millions of light years and the star is not the same by the time you see it.
Me: I just don’t know how we can be here right now if it’s really 900 years in the future.
Him: Sighhhh. Ok, there is something called the time/space continuum…
Me: Hold on, I have to wipe the blood from my eyes. Ok. I can’t talk about this anymore because it’s freaking me out. I guess our beliefs are different, like I believe in aliens, reincarnation, and ghosts and you don’t. Today at work a woman said she was catching a cold and she was going to ask the people at her church later that night to lay their hands on her. I think that’s complete horseshit. Do you believe in that?
Him: Totally. I believe you can transfer life force from one human being to another.
Me: Is it all about the energy and stuff?
Him: Yeah. The energy has the power to heal.
Me: No more Star Trek.

Next time I'll tell you his theory on how the earth will someday end.

Wednesday Story

Once upon a time Bridget and I were kids and we lived in a great big old house with high ceilings. We were playing a game which involved throwing a stuffed dog up in the air repeatedly. Someone--probably me--threw it so high that it broke the glass light fixture. My dad was livid. He was so mad that after he yelled at us he walked back to the living room and for emphasis kicked a small, empty cardboard box that was on the floor. That cardboard box flew up into the air and broke another light fixture. It was the best moment in all of my seven years.

The End