Reasons Why I Dislike My Next Door Neighbors

1. They let their large dog defecate in my yard.
2. They don't mow their lawn until it looks like a wheat field at harvest time.
3. They ask that any car blocking their driveway by a fraction of a centimeter immediately move.
4. They have parties and don't invite us (I wonder if it's because they've noticed the mothballs we placed at our property line to keep their dog the hell out?)
5. They have a broken down car in their driveway. At least it's not on concrete blocks. Yet.
6. Once their daughter was having a yard sale and tried to get me to buy some of her toys. When I asked what she was raising money for, she said "My mom's bills, I guess." I have a problem with young children being that burdened.
7. Someone around here is using my wireless connection, effectively slowing my shit down. I don't know who it is, but I don't dislike anyone else on this block, so I blame them.
8. The remote control for their ceiling fans are set to the same frequency as ours, which causes us to wake up either sweating or freezing unexpectedly.
9. I suspect that they're probaby very nice.
10. They obviously dislike us too.

An Ode To Star Jones, Sung To Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River"

*Alternate titles include "I have too much time on my hands," and "I will probably delete this post tomorrow."*


You were obnoxious
You were a bitch
But you didn't know all the ways we loathed you, no
So you took a chance
ABC made other plans
But I bet you didn't think your gig would come crashing down, no

You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out from The View
Now there's just no chance, for you and Rosie, there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it?

You told us you did pilates
Why did you lie about losing weight?
Now you tell us your doctors helped you
Was gastric bypass your fate?

Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With one of your fans
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river
Cry me a river-er
Cry me a river
Cry me a river-er, yea yea

I know that they say
That some things are better left unsaid
Is that what they mean when they say your husband's gay?
(Don't act like you don't know it)
All of these things The Insider told us
Keep messing with my head
You should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it
(Yea..)

You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out on The View
Now there's just no chance, for you and Barbara, there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it?

You told us your contract wasn't renewed
Did you lie for the pity?
Yesterday you tell us you were fired
When you were supposed to wait until July

Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With one of your fans
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river
Cry me a river-er
Cry me a river
Cry me a river-er, yea yea

Oh
The damage is done
So I guess you'll be leaving
Oh
The damage is done
No more on-air product plugs
Oh
The damage is done
See you never
Oh
The damage is done
So I guess you'll be... leaving

I Have Serious Blogger's Block

I wish I were one of those people with endless things to write about. I'm not, so I stole this from MK.

What curse word do you use the most?

That's really hard to narrow down, but I guess fuck and Goddammit.

Do you own an iPod?

Yes. It's pink of course.

Who on your MySpace "Top 8" do you talk to the most?

Christine, Alicia, and Heather.

What time is your alarm clock set for?

7:40 am, which gives me time to hit the snooze button twice.

What color is your room?

White.

Flip flops or sneakers?

Flip flops. I hate wearing socks.

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?

Take the picture.

What was the last movie you watched?

I have no idea.

Do any of your friends have children?

The majority do.

Has anyone ever called you lazy?

Absolutely. In fact, it was my nickname my senior year of high school.

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?

Occasionally Tylenol PM, but only if I'm desperate.

What CD is currently in your CD player?

A mix that I made.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?

Regular.

Has anyone told you a secret this week?

I don't think so.

Have you ever given someone a hickey?

No.

Who was the last person to call you?

My mama.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?

They may as well because I'm probably talking about them too.

Did you watch cartoons as a child?

Yeah, The Smurfs.

How many siblings do you have?

One.

Are you shy around the opposite sex?

No.

What movie do you know every line to?

Sixteen Candles.

Do you own any band t-shirts?

Not anymore.

What is your favorite salad dressing?

Thousand Island if there's cheese on the salad, Blue cheese otherwise. It's all very complicated.

Do you read for fun?

Yes.

Do you cry a lot?

Yes. Especially at theme parks.

Who was the last person to text message you?

Cingular.

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?

Both.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?

Nope.

What is the weather like?

Rainy.

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?

I don't find that attractive, but then I'm not looking for anyone to date.

Is sex before marriage wrong?

Probably, but I only know a few people who haven't had it.

When was the last time you slept on the floor?

Probably at a slumber party.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?

At least 8.

Are you in love or lust?

Love.

Are your days full and fast-paced?

Weekdays are.

Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?

I do. It doesn't mean I care though.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?

33. This is the question that makes me believe a 16-year-old made this thing up.

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?

Yes.

Have you ever been to Six Flags?

In Georgia.

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?

It all depends.

Do you like cottage cheese?

Yes.

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?

Side always.

Have you ever bid for something on eBay?

All the time.

Do you enjoy giving hugs?

Yes.

What song did you last sing out loud?

A jingle from a Frasier rerun. It stayed in my head until I fell asleep last night.

What is your favorite TV show?

It was Rescue Me until this past episode where Tommy raped his estranged wife. I'm not sure I can watch it anymore.

Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with?

Oprah. Shut up.

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

When you have anxiety you always have butterflies in your stomach.

What one thing do you wish you had?

Healthy babies, but not today.

Favorite lyrics?

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Is how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

(Sounds very cynical now.)

What's That Smell?

On Saturday we went to Islands of Adventure. It's not owned by Disney after all, but I am often too lazy to check my facts.

There is a special place in Heaven for the inventor of these water misty things:


Hey - I have an idea! Let's start selling alcohol in the morning, because nothing mixes better than heat, crowds, long lines and drunk people. With an admission price of $73.00, I should think fist fights would be included.

Did you know that some people from other countries don't know that it's socially unacceptable to skip others in line? And then there are others who have a moral objection to wearing deoderant. To be fair, that isn't limited to foreigners by any means.

I saw lots of people in wheelchairs and scooters. Also, lots of older kids being pushed in strollers. I found this unsettling since I've been watching that show Honey, We're Killing the Kids. Something good was that the majority of the restaurants and food carts sold "healthy alternatives" i.e. salads and fruit. Doesn't mean that anyone bought them, just that they were offered. As were turkey legs. It felt a little like being at a Renaissance festival.

One woman who was pushing her 8-year-old son in a stroller thought it would be funny to let go of the stroller as it went down a ramp. It came within inches of knocking me down, causing me to leap out of the way and scream "Jesus Christ" in front of several kids. I think I showed tremendous restraint by not screaming what I really wanted, which was something containing the words stupid, fucking, and bitch.

Right after this happened, I suffered a small psychotic break in which I burst into tears in a restaurant and asked I asked Joe over and over if he thought I would make a horrible mother since I hated theme parks and had limited patience with the human race. That was fun.

I'm not making fun of people with certain body dimensions or prosthetic limbs. I'm just wondering if the park had to make these signs after someone's body part flew off?

I Wasn't Kidding About The Snakes Around Here

Whoever just said "Oh, that's only a harmless grass snake," can come on over and turn the sprinkler system on for me.

Congratulations Alicia!

Alicia became a mom on Friday night to little Jake. Go over and show her some love.

Britney, Britney, Britney

This is the expression I've been wearing since watching your Dateline interview last night. I don't know what I found most disturbing. Was it your boobs hanging out of your shirt? Or the mention that you're worth $100 million, then showing your chewed off fingernails with chipped polish? Was it your weird body language and facial expressions when saying how strong your marriage is? Or how about saying that you didn't know your husband's girlfriend was pregnant when you got together? Perhaps it was answering that you didn't know how pregnant you were? "I don't know. Six or seven months." I've personally never met a woman who didn't know exactly how pregnant she was down to the week, but that's just me.

Oh, I know what it was. It was the fact that you requested to do the interview, then showcased your ignorance even further. You gave the general public even more reason to make fun of you. Maybe you did sit on your dad's lap while he was driving when you were young, but I'll bet you weren't an infant, and we all know much better now. For future reference, saying "we're country" is not a valid excuse for any mistake you make.

I did have moments when your pain touched my cold, dead heart. I am sorry that your life has been ruined by the tabloids. But I'm begging you to stop making it so easy for them, and to stop giving them so much material to work with.

Please Help

We are going to 2 Orlando theme parks this weekend because we enjoy misery and pain. Actually, we got a free pass in the mail for being Florida residents. Walt Disney, Inc. knows that real Floridians would rather take a poke in the eye with a sharp stick than walk around all day in this kind of heat and humidity. My dilemma is that my legs are too white to wear shorts in public. That leaves capri pants, which is fine by me. Unfortunately, at this point in my life I'm not ready to pair sneakers and socks with capris. Only matching sandals/slides, preferably black. Every time we go somewhere that involves walking, Joe asks if my feet are going to start hurting. Last year blisters kicked vanity in the ass and I had to buy a pair of new sneakers mid-trip. Any suggestions from my real and imaginary friends?

**********

Good luck to Alicia and Stephen who will have a new son this time tomorrow!

Blogging By Proxy

My sister has declined to start a blog about her adventures in buying a home. Something about working full time, chasing after a two-year-old, and having to wash dishes in her master bathroom sink every night.

These are some stories that need to be shared. For instance, the tile guy asked for part of his payment in cash. Why, my sister asked my brother-in-law? "Because he spent all his money at the Pink Pony and he wants to go back." (That's a strip club.)

Then there was the fence guy who had to cancel his initial appointment with her because when he "went to get in the car this morning, the door fell right off." We all had a good laugh at that excuse. They rescheduled the appointment and she fully expected him to pull up in a hooptie. Nope. He pulled up in the exact same make and model of car she drives.

What Am I Missing?

I rarely talk about politics, and I try not to blog about them because I'd rather offend people in different ways. So, my question is why in the hell did we drop two 500 lb. bombs on Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi, only to provide him with medical attention directly afterward? I don't get it.

Joe's favorite hobby is saving money and/or getting a good deal on things. He often buys gift cards on Ebay, and usually ends up saving at least 10% at places where we shop and eat. I was just checking our auctions and I saw that he's losing a bid on a $25.00 Outback gift card. The winning price is up to $24.00 and shipping and handling is $1.50. I hope that mathematical genius rewards himself for his coup with a Chocolate Thunder from Down Under.

*Updated - the winning bid was $24.99.

Everything You've Heard Is True

• Bath and Body Works has brought back a bunch of their discontinued scents. Just where in the hell are Grapefruit and Herbal Mist? I wish I'd never heard this news.

• I was just watching Dr. Phil (completely on accident) and there was a woman who got pregnant unexpectedly because her husband had relations with her while she was asleep. Come on now. Who is that heavy of a sleeper? I didn't watch the whole show, but I hope Dr. Phil discussed the topic of rape as well as the pregnancy. What a nice guy she married.

• I've been trying to talk my sister into starting a blog. She and her husband just bought a new house and are doing renovations. Apparently the previous owners were complete pigs. The proof is that a chicken bone was found under the upstairs bathroom vanity. Now that's some good material to work with. (She would want you to know that all vermin have vacated the premises.)

• I just found out that my office is moving tomorrow morning instead of at the end of the month, like we all thought. I've packed exactly half of one box.

• I don't like Mondays.

Got Me Lookin So Crazy Right

I was shopping in Ross today, or Ross Dress For Less as some people call it, and I saw a small boy having a complete breakdown. Someone carried him out and I didn't think anything of it. I then went to Target, or Nirvana as some people call it, and I saw the same kid having another breakdown and being carried out. I remarked to the cashier "I just saw him in Ross and he was having a fit in there too." She said "he's always like that." Doh. What are the chances of her knowing him and/or being related to him? I haven't stuck my foot in my mouth like that in some time.

Also seen today was a mom with a baby daughter carrying a baby bag embroidered with "Biance." Lady, even if you spell it differently everyone is going to give your child shit for the rest of her life for being named after Beyonce Knowles. It's like the girl named Tennille I knew as a kid. As in Captain and Tenille. It's also like the football player Pac Man Jones. I could go on...

This Looks So Uncomfortable

Find your own pose!

I Am Not Very Bright: An Essay In Photos

This morning I wasted several hours sorting through CDs of pictures in an attempt to organize and compress. Is compress the right word? I don't care right now, and that will all make sense later. The whole time I was working on the pictures, I knew in my mind that it was to reduce the number of CDs in my possession, an attempt to further purge clutter from my life. Three hours into the project it occurred to me that CDs don't take up very much space at all.

This afternoon I made my first loaf of gluten-free bread in the bread maker. It turned out like this:


And also like this:


I really don't think it's my fault that it turned out 1/3 of the size it was supposed to. I think the yeast was dead. The dough did look like the blob brother Chet was turned into in the movie Weird Science. How is it that I can still remember his name?

This evening I ate a big dinner, then decided it was time to do a little gardening. Anyone who knows me will say that I don't like hard work, and I don't like the heat. It reached 99 degrees today with a million percent humidity. But really, this flower bed looked terrible. It was a mish mash of several different flowers and bushes which clashed and has been preventing us from winning our development's "yard of the month." Note how big that bush is on the right:


It is great to be a Florida Gator, but not in my freaking yard:


I dug out everything in the aforementioned flower bed. By my own damn self.


I had to lie down in the grass a few times and I'm still seeing spots and in grave danger of vomiting. No snake sightings, but if I were afraid of lizards I would already be dead, rather than waiting to die of heat stroke later tonight.

Next Victim

I was never a big fan of MTV’s Road Rules. I did watch the first couple of all 27 seasons of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge though. It was there that I first saw Theo Vonkurnatowski.

I don’t like Theo. He’s obnoxious and there’s something amiss about his face. I love reality TV, but it makes me insane when people are able to earn a living off appearing in one show after another. Am I jealous? Probably.

Theo’s impressive resume includes:

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Seasons
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes 2
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: He Says/She Says: Battle for the Battle of the Sexes (host)
The Real World/Road Rules Casting Special 2001 (host)
Road Rules Season 9: The Maximum Velocity Tour
Battle of the Network Reality Stars
He’s thanked on Josh Kelley's album "For the Ride Home." WTF?

Imagine my surprise when I recently saw Theo on Last Comic Standing. He’s changed his name to Theo Von. Oddly enough, that’s something we have in common. If my husband’s ancestors hadn’t shortened their surname, I too would have one with as many syllables as Vonkurnatowski.

On last week’s episode he said “I was on MTV Road Rules years ago. I feel like a lot of times people don’t take me seriously as a comedian because I’ve been on television before. Let’s put it up on the stage, let’s see what’s going on.”

Apparently I’m not the only one who's sick of him. Here’s a quote from realityblurred.com: “No, we don’t take you seriously because you’re pretending as though you didn’t also appear on five Challenge shows—including one that debuted 22 hours earlier!—and Bravo’s train wreck Battle of the Network Reality Stars.”

Theo didn’t make it past the second round in Last Comic Standing. He wasn’t that funny anyway, but I think the real reason this happened is so that he’ll have to get an actual job. Hey Theo – it’s called health insurance. It’s called a 401K. And it’s also called a reason to get out of bed before 2:00 pm every day. Try it, it’s about time.

I Want You To Know

That I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but the best for you both.


Especially now that you've broken up. Thank you Alannis Morrisette, because now I've got a new pretend boyfriend. It was getting hard to share Patrick Dempsey with so many other people.

Meet Ryan Reynolds. Can't say that I've ever seen any of his movies, but he's pretty to look at. Witness:





Now for the money shot:

Blogger Is Being Such a Dick

Anyone else been having problems for the last two day? Crikey. It's enough to make me pay actual money for a working blog host.

I just realized that my last four posts have been food related. Ha! Let's move on to celebrities, then I'll bitch some, reality TV, then we'll revisit food.

Good Lord Angelina. Someone paid several million dollars for these pictures, which will be seen by several billion people. We're talking covers of magazines, newspapers, Entertainment Tonight, etc. The least you could have done was to put on a shirt that didn't show off your nursing bra. I've never liked you, but now I've just put you in the same class as Britney Spears. Last class.

Be Ye Not As Stupid As I

If you find yourself in Starbucks and you think the new Banana Coconut Frappuccino looks good, think twice before paying $4.12 for it. It tastes like uncooked banana bread batter.

Why won't they just bring back my Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino and restore some balance in the universe?

I'll Probably Go Back For The Free Wine

Freakville has finally gotten a Super Suppers. If you're not familiar, it's one of those places where you prepare a bunch of meals without shopping, chopping, cleaning up, etc. Pricey, but there's a price for laziness, and I'm willing to pay it. Oh, and they have free wine in the evenings.

I was really excited about this whole concept. Apparently one of the owner's daughters worked for Martha Stewart and all the recipes have been tested, blah blah blah. I haven't decided if I'll go again, but here's my review of the first round of meals:

Cranberry Barbecue Meatballs - Holy goodness. Easy and quite good. I have no idea how I snuck the cranberries past Joe though.

Pecan Praline French Toast Casserole Thing - I made two of these, and one ended up on the bottom of the pile in the deep freezer. All the sticky praline nonsense was squished out of the tin, so I'm not sure I'll ever be able to detach it. It may just stay in there until the next time the circuit breaker flips and we have to throw away an entire freezer full of food again. But, that's a story for another day. The one I did bake was good, but would not be good reheated. Mr. Pickerson is not one for the casseroles, but I would eat it again.

Southwest Chicken with Tropical Fruit Salsa - Yeah, I burned this one so I never got to taste it, but it smelled really good before black smoke filled the house.

Herbed Salmon with Confetti Rice - Acceptable to me, fishy to Joe.

Tarragon Chicken in Bechamel Sauce - I'm not big on tarragon, but this was probably my favorite. My favorite part being that I watched Joe eat and enjoy bechamel sauce.

Chocolate/Pecan/Coconut Pie - Jesus Lord this was a like shaking hands with an angel. That is until I realized that it cost $10 to make, and I still had to buy a pie crust.

Tonight we'll have Sunday Pot Roast on a Monday because I'm a rule breaker, and we still have Pesto Chicken and Crunchy White Fish Filets to look forward to. Plus that other french toast casserole if I can find a putty knife to free it from its sticky confines.

It's Fun To Be Me

I've recently discovered that I have a touch of Celiac Sprue Disease. Woo hoo! I've known for some time that I'm lactose intolerant, am allergic to mold, etc., but I didn't know all that could be related to gluten intolerance. "Feeling like fucking shit after I eat" is not an easily diagnosed symptom, so I'm glad I understand what's going on now.

I've done my research and have read "The Gluten Free Bible." I know what I have to do, but it's not going to be easy. The challenges I faced just today were:

1. Being pressured into taking communion. How do you refuse the Body of Christ just because it comes in spongy white bread form?

2. I ate a hamburger on a 4 for $5.95 tapioca and white rice roll that was really angel food cake without the sugar. It made me gag.

3. Totino's party pizzas were on sale for a dollar each at Publix. I only bought 6 though.